SocialParasite
100% pure failtanium.
Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Beatrice, Nebraska
Posts: 18816 |
 Idiocy
_ _ _ WASHINGTON, DC--In cooperation with the U.S. Consumer
Product Safety Commission, Wizco Toys of Montclair, NJ, recalled 245,000 Aqua
Assault RoboFighters Monday after three dumb kids managed to kill themselves
playing with the popular toy, ruining the fun for everybody else.
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Above: The Aqua Assault RoboFighter, an awesome toy children can no longer
enjoy, thanks to stupid Weiller, Torres, and Krug (L to R).
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_ _ _ "The tragedy is inconceivable," Wizco
president Alvin Cassidy said. "For years, countless children played with the
Aqua Assault RoboFighter without incident. But then these three retards come
along and somehow find a way to get themselves killed. So now we have to do a
full recall and halt production on what was a really awesome toy. What a
waste."
_ _ _ "My mom won't let me play with my RoboFighter
because of those dumb kids who died," said 10-year-old Jeremy Daigle of
Somerville, MA. "I used to set up army guys around the RoboFighter and have
it run over them and conquer Earth for the Zardaxians. But now I'll never see it
again, all because three stupid idiots had to go and wreck everything."
_ _ _ Each of the deaths was determined to be the result of
gross misuse of the toy, an incredibly cool device that could shoot both plastic
missiles and long jets of water, as well as maneuver over the ground on
retractable wheels.
_ _ _ The first death occurred June 22, when 7-year-old Isaac
Weiller of Grand Junction, CO, died after deliberately firing one of the
spring-loaded plastic missiles into his left nostril. The missile shot into his
sinuses, shattering the roof of his nasal cavity and causing a massive brain
hemorrhage.
_ _ _ Shortly before dying, Weiller told emergency medical
personnel at St. Luke's Medical Center that he had shot the missile into his nose
in the belief that it would travel through his body and out his belly button.
_ _ _ "I've heard some pretty stupid shit in my time, but
that has to take the cake," said Dr. Anderson Hunt, the attending physician.
"Why would any kid think he could fire plastic missiles up his nose and
expect them to come out his belly button? There's no point in feeling bad about
this child's demise, because the deck was obviously stacked against him from the
start. What we should feel bad about is the fact that because of him, millions of
other children will no longer get to fire the RoboFighter's super-cool Devastator
Missiles or soak their friends with its FunFoam WaterBlasters."
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Above: Joshua Schatzeder of Grand Rapids, MI, is forced to play with a boring
little fire truck as a result of the recall.
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_ _ _ Less than one month after Weiller's death, 5-year-old
Danielle Krug fatally suffocated on fragments of the toy after repeatedly
smashing it with a claw hammer in the garage of her parents' La Porte, IN,
home.
_ _ _ "I'm not kidding," said Dianne Ensor, an
emergency-room nurse at Our Lady Of Peace Hospital in La Porte, where Krug was
pronounced dead. "She thought the broken shards were candy. That's what
you'd assume after breaking a plastic, inedible toy, right? Absolutely
un-fucking-believable."
_ _ _ The third and arguably stupidest death occurred August
12, when 11-year-old dumbass Michael Torres held the RoboFighter above his head
and jumped off the balcony of his family's third-story Torrance, CA, apartment,
thinking he would be able to fly like Superman.
_ _ _ "A couple of my fellow emergency workers thought we
should cut the kid some slack, because at least he wasn't trying to eat the toy
or shove it up his nose," said paramedic Debra Lindfors, who tried in vain
to revive Torres. "I considered this for a while, but then I decided no. No
way. If you're 11 years old, you should know that it's impossible to fly. And
poor Wizco's probably going to go bankrupt because of this shit."
_ _ _ As a result of the extreme idiocy of the three children,
the CPSC was forced to order Wizco to stop making the toy and remove it from
store shelves, as well as recommend that parents remove it from their homes.
_ _ _ "I know the overwhelming majority of American kids
who owned an Aqua Assault RoboFighter derived many hours of safe, responsible fun
from it," CPSC commissioner Mary Sheila Gall said. "But, statistically
speaking, three deaths stemming from contact with a particular toy constitutes an
'unreasonable risk.' Look, I'm really sorry about this. Honestly. But our
agency's job is to protect the public from hazardous products, even if those who
die are morons who deserved what they got."
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You know, I was going to type up a signature but then I said to myself: "Why fucking bother? I mean, people just ignore what you have to say anyway, and when they do read what you type up they either flame you or make fun of you for it. So, I say screw them. Screw them with a rusty shovel." Then I realized that there is a midget somewhere out there in southern California that is masturbating right now to what I have to say... All I got to say to that is: Thanks Bob.
Everybody dies frustrated and sad, and that is beautiful.
[This message has been edited by SocialParasite (edited 08-26-2000).]
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08-26-2000 10:48 PM
