Registered: Aug 2000
Location:
Posts: 632

Sublime «

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Registered: Jul 2000
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Posts: 26541

Another one with a bit of a story.

karen and I were playing scrabble one day, and when were were finished, I was looking at the board and kept seeing stories in the words being used.

So I wrote down all the words that were used in that game, and made a list. This story uses all the words on that list.

refuel
fun
laden
rancid
at
id
city
sun
up
crop
ohio
raspy
is
no
or
hair
gruel
gowns
teased
lame
quiet
shout
get
row
me
nix

I couln't for the life of me fit the words "jokey", "basil", "zit", "zen" or "logo". So I didn't get 100% of the words in.

What came out was something I'm not quite sure I get entirely.

And for the record, it is only a little autobiographical.

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Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Erehwon
Posts: 7549

so - what were the scores in that game then?

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a /\/\ i n a l

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Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Location Location
Posts: 26541

Shut up.

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Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Oregon. America.
Posts: 2225

Nice job paint. I dig this one, and you've got a fucking brilliant method for introduction and conclusion. You always set it up so even if the story isn't quite conveying or capturing the audience the end will surely fuck with the reader.

I dig that.

Now for my quips. I don't think that you will, although ignore them if you want to, I'm just playing doctor honest, which I know you can handle:

Some of the sentences didn't feel quite right, and the self-exploration section seemed like too much of an epiphany for Rodney. I like the intention, however, perhaps try to cut the dialog down to a few quick sentences. For instance:

"God I hate this city. I could have been, like a farmer in Ohio and shit. Just doin’ my crops, working in the sun, don’t have to worry about any of this shit. Do I do the deal because I want do dull the pain, or do I do it because I am a masochist? I wonder how fine a line that actually is. Man, things were okay back in the day. Prom. Beautiful bubbly lasses with gowns and ribbons in their hair. Getting teased for wearing those lame-ass ruffles. Getting’ laid was the only thing you had to worry about. When did life get so fucking complicated? How did it happen so fast? Or is it just me?"

Divide this section up between the prom thought and the opening bit about ohio and farming. Do the opener about ohio, then have a bit of narration about what is happening around him. After the narration (like "his testicles were starting to mash up against his ass because of the cold blah blah blah" or whatever) go into the bit about prom and youth and bubbly ruffy kind of shit. It works, as many of these thoughts are good drug thoughts, however, you've just described a scattered character, and to syntacticaly convey his disaray perhaps you could allow for less continual internal dialog and more external realism and scenic shit.

If you wanted to convey that he was escaping the drug reality and entering into a brief episode of flowing consciousness then perhaps setting up an external moment of distraction (like "his flesh was numb from the cold shower, and as he lay on broken yellow tiles Rodney began to pass out, to loose consciousness blah blah blah" whatever) This would set us up the bomb! Er... Set us up for a bit of calm inside of his tumutuous hung-over strung out morning episode and make his consciousness of his shitty life more believable.

Anyway, great read and thanks for listening. Despite my gripes I really do enjoy your work, and if you'd prefer me to avoid these occasional expositories on your suckitude (I jest) then I'll keep writing them and you can ignore them .

Cheers Paint,

Wilson.

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Registered: Nov 2000
Location:
Posts: 5131

God story Paint...

Six Shots...

I still have the edited copy if you need it again.

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Sanity is the playground for the unimaginative.
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Send me thine daughters and wives willingly and by first class mail, for I hate waiting 4 to 6 weeks! - Straightman

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Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Bangor, ME
Posts: 10333

nice how you put sublime in there and how the album does seem to sort of cadence itself to a drug users meandering thoughts

especially when he was on heroin at the time

nice

kudos on the word placement also



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"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools."
-Ernest Hemingway

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Registered: Sep 2000
Location: The Bottom of the Toyem Pole
Posts: 9478

PaintCHiPs-

I finally made time to read this and I am glad I did. Good story through and through. I really envy your style and ability.

Looking forward to the next one.

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The Law of Fives is never wrong.

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Registered: Jul 2000
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quote:

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Originally posted by Feral Automaton:

Some of the sentences didn't feel quite right, and the self-exploration section seemed like too much of an epiphany for Rodney. I like the intention, however, perhaps try to cut the dialog down to a few quick sentences. For instance:

Divide this section up between the prom thought and the opening bit about ohio and farming. Do the opener about ohio, then have a bit of narration about what is happening around him. After the narration (like "his testicles were starting to mash up against his ass because of the cold blah blah blah" or whatever) go into the bit about prom and youth and bubbly ruffy kind of shit. It works, as many of these thoughts are good drug thoughts, however, you've just described a scattered character, and to syntacticaly convey his disaray perhaps you could allow for less continual internal dialog and more external realism and scenic shit.

If you wanted to convey that he was escaping the drug reality and entering into a brief episode of flowing consciousness then perhaps setting up an external moment of distraction (like "his flesh was numb from the cold shower, and as he lay on broken yellow tiles Rodney began to pass out, to loose consciousness blah blah blah" whatever) This would set us up the bomb! Er... Set us up for a bit of calm inside of his tumutuous hung-over strung out morning episode and make his consciousness of his shitty life more believable.

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Registered: Aug 2000
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Posts: 4875

I was waiting for cassandra to be dead or have od'ed but it never happened... i guess that would make it predictable eh? oh well. also, this column made me decide I should start doing heroin so I have some stuff worth complaining about in chat.

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Registered: Jul 2000
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quote:

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Originally posted by tack:
I was waiting for cassandra to be dead or have od'ed but it never happened... i guess that would make it predictable eh? oh well. also, this column made me decide I should start doing heroin so I have some stuff worth complaining about in chat.

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Registered: Jul 2000
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Posts: 26541

I was in a pinch so I'm handing this end to my fiction writing class tomorrow as my second short story. I couldn't decide out of all the fiction stories I've done at Asylum (3) which one I would pick but raginghobo thought this was the best. I also used some of Feral's advice (which was similar to Raginghobos) and touched it up a bit.

So what do you all think now? It's still the same, I mean just re-visiting it or reading it for the first time.

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