Registered: Aug 2001
Location: SF Bay Area
Posts: 581

For those of you in the dark, 'I' am going to let you in on a little industry secret. I am not the work of an individual at all. I am a character developed by a crack staff of former Television and Hollywood screenwriters.

Some of our more distinguished credits include the scripts for several episodes of Touched by an Angel and MacGuyver. As if those weren't impressive enough, we have also penned the screenplays for Look Who's Talking Too and Sense and Sensibility.

So you see, It's not an easy job being S w/o T. It takes diligence and round-the-clock dedication. We may have an opening for a comedy writer soon, if anyone is interested. One of our staffers is leaving us soon to team up with Eric Roberts for a buddy/buddy action comedy flick. The pay is excellent and the benefits are out of this world. PM me your resume if this sounds like fun to you.

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Registered: Jan 2001
Location: California
Posts: 4252

It takes a whole team of people to write that badly?

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Registered: Aug 2001
Location: SF Bay Area
Posts: 581

quote:

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Originally posted by Dog Breath
It takes a whole team of people to write that badly?

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Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Bangor, ME
Posts: 10153

I can drink amazing amounts of beer

then I get loud and obnoxious.

any takers?

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Registered: Oct 2001
Location: Portland
Posts: 41

my job skills include drinking beer, eating pizza, sitting on my ass all day, and complete and utter laziness.. however if giving to opportunity i think i could be a valuable addition to the SwoT team.

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Registered: Jan 2001
Location: California
Posts: 4252

I can eat my own face.

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Registered: Aug 2000
Location: I don't fukn' know!
Posts: 5137

I fuNy! I tel joKEs and stUf!
I B a GrAtE Cu/\/\ic wRtiEr fer j00!

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Registered: Oct 2001
Location: Portland
Posts: 41

cumic?

HOT!

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Registered: Jan 2001
Location: library
Posts: 19562

I could send you my resume, but it has little on it that would reccomend me as a comic writer. Instead I would submit 3800 some odd posts on the asylum as a testament to the fact that I am very funny, even if none of these brain-dead bastards ever laughs at my jokes.

-m

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Registered: Sep 2000
Location: Kansas City
Posts: 7504

quote:

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Originally posted by Speach w/o Thinking
For those of you in the dark, 'I' am going to let you in on a little industry secret. I am not the work of an individual at all. I am a character developed by a crack staff of former Television and Hollywood screenwriters.

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Registered: Feb 2001
Location: Oakland-ish
Posts: 6032

*SMACK!*

that's my resume, baby

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Registered: Jul 2000
Location:
Posts: 5526

quote:

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Originally posted by CHiPsJr


How ironic! My posts aren't the product of a single entity, either. "I" am actually the product of the typing of 10,000 monkeys on 10,000 typewriters over a period of several thousand years.

As if you hadn't guessed that already.

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Registered: Aug 2000
Location: 54.60°N 5.70°W
Posts: 1950

My portfolio of rabidly ironic/satirical asylum prose notwithstanding, I am a dynamic figure, often seen freefalling at 20,000 feet with the Flying Elvis Display Team. Having recently returned from several covert diplomatic missions in Afghanistan, I have written two award-winning plays. My knowledge of carpentry is unparalleled and I hold several patents on new designs for routers.

I duck, I dive, I dodge and weave, and I never use conditioner on my hair. I once drove from John O'Groats to Land's End and was home in time for tea and muffins. My chocolat roulade has won prizes. Last year, I kicked the match-winning penalty for the Irish Lions. I do not perspire.

At home I grow my own syrah vines and while on holiday in France last year I successfully negotiated with a group of Spanish mercenaries who had taken over a small l'hôtel de ville. Occassionally, I teach acrobatics to travelling circus artists.

I have not yet been a screenwriter.

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Registered: Oct 2001
Location:
Posts: 37

Great pay and benefits?! I have to take a crack at this; with the wide assortment of potentially useless talents at my disposal, I've got a real shot at this.

During the cold war, I was a double-agent in the CIA who sold classified information to the Swedish for an 80% stake in the Ricola Corporation. For a short period afterwards, I became a high-profile international financer before losing the better part of my wealth at Aquaduct Horseracing park. Subsequently, I wrote a book that was mistaken as Tom Clancy novel, which shot to the top of the New York Times best seller list. It was titled "I Gambled Away a Fortune in U.S. Secrets - by Tom Chancey."

Much later in my career, I was credited with winning the Nobel Prize in economics in addition to being an accomplished interior decorator and downhill skier. I was kicked off the U.S. olympic synchronized swimming team for beating a judge with the nine-month old infant belonging to a nearby woman in the grandstands. The charges of assault with a deadly minor are still pending.

The highlight of my career was the process of designing and building the Mir spacestation, which has subsequently been incinerated by its unexpected descent through the atmosphere. The lowpoint of my career was my brief stint in a mental institution for treatment of the desulsion that I was Charlton Heston. In my spare time, I enjoy sun-tanning at public locations in the nude, abducting senior citizens from nursing homes, and pretending to be either Hawkeye Pierce or BJ Honeycut at the local hospital.

Other than a few bad habits like schizophrenia and chronic drug abuse, I can't wait to join the workforce.

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Registered: Aug 2000
Location: 54.60°N 5.70°W
Posts: 1950

My modesty is without question. On my weekends, when I'm not remodelling late-Victorian train stations, I may be found designing turbine blades for the next generation of large passenger transport airliners. I have been known to tread water for two days in a row, and I have never been late returning my library books.

Children trust me. I have been caller number one-thousand and have won the weekend for two in Paris. In Australia I led an small Aborigine tribe to victory in the small-claims court, in Sri-Lanka I won the cliff diving contest, and I have been to St. Petersburg several times as a consultant for the Winter Palace's colour schemes. Although still an outlaw in Italy, I hold the record for quickest ascent of the Spanish Steps By Pogo Stick.

I regularly bat 100 not-out, and I can explain the offside rule with ease. Critics swoon over my original line in corduroy evening wear. Last Friday I read War and Peace, Don Quixote and Les Miserables, and still had time that evening to teach my class in french polishing. Although I am a private citizen, I receive fan mail. My violent temper has not yet impacted on my weekly stint at the Samaritan Hotline.

Screenwriting remains a challenge.

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Registered: Feb 2001
Location: Oakland-ish
Posts: 6032

okay you two...

you are both starting to remind me of that person who supposedly submitted similarly written material as his application to some Ivy League University...

I can't find the original...you know what I am talking about.

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Registered: Dec 2000
Location: Sydney, Straya mate
Posts: 346

I can belch and fart at the same time

(it's harder than you think)

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Registered: Mar 2001
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 2451

quote:

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Originally posted by Speach w/o Thinking
Some of our more distinguished credits include the scripts for several episodes of Touched by an Angel and MacGuyver. As if those weren't impressive enough, we have also penned the screenplays for Look Who's Talking Too and Sense and Sensibility.

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Registered: Nov 2000
Location:
Posts: 5131

Where'd I put my papers?

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Registered: Sep 2001
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 54

I think I would be ideal for this job. As I am 1) unemployed bum who can't find a damn job 2) have been told that my whole life story is one joke after another so the plot lines would be hilarious and 3) If they make shows like Ellen, Daniel who cant get a laugh I would have to be a sure in for the lead for this job because they SUCK and my 20 month old son could write better then them!!

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Registered: Oct 2001
Location:
Posts: 37

quote:

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Originally posted by tcsterls
I think I would be ideal for this job. As I am 1) unemployed bum who can't find a damn job 2) have been told that my whole life story is one joke after another so the plot lines would be hilarious and 3) If they make shows like Ellen, Daniel who cant get a laugh I would have to be a sure in for the lead for this job because they SUCK and my 20 month old son could write better then them!!

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Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Montreal
Posts: 2984

I'm not funny at all...and I'm a terrible writer....

You got room on your team for "That GuY" position.

You know when something goes wrong you all just say it was "That Guy's" idea. I could do that.

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"Please pardon my levity, I don't see how to take death seriously. It seems absurd." R A Wilson (R.I.P)

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Registered: Oct 2000
Location: Texas
Posts: 2593

Ok. I've got you all beat:

• I have a cat named Jack Harley
  
• I discovered Green-centered Oreos! *throws up*
  
• and
  
• Because I've LED you all here...........I AM SPARTACUS!
  

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