Registered: Aug 2000
Location: East Bay
Posts: 3439

Silly emails I get

So, I got the following email from my ex, just out of the blue earlier today. Remember this is the ex that said she never wanted to talk to me again...blah, blah, blah Anyway, tell me how I should respond. I have a few ideas but I'd like to get a lot of input. So, here's the email I got:

Hi Tomas,
I'm assuming you still use this e-mail account. Anyway, this may seem strange, coming out of nowhere... I was wondering if you still have my CD-player. If you do, could you please send it to me. I will send yours to you as soon as I got mine. The reason is that your CD-player skips on every little bump on the road and I guess I got fed up with it. I would really appreciate it.
Mariya.

p.s. Again, sorry if this seems strange.

[and then her address was here so that i could send it back to her]

NB: The CD player did not skip before the split. I don't think it started skipping until recently. I had hers, true. It started going all schizo about a month after we parted ways so I bought a new one. She's not getting the new one, obviously. Anyway, this is what I had planned:

"Hi Mariya. You know, after Sept. 11, I kept worrying that perhaps your brother or sister were injured or missing. I take it from your email that you are in good spirits and therefore, nothing is wrong. How's Chester? Man, he was a good dog. I miss him a lot. Give him a hug for me. Well, glad we got to catch up. I have to go now, my girlfriend's calling me. Tomas"

Either that or, "Dear Mariya, You want your CD player back? I have but two words for you: LET'S BOWL!"

Paint has also suggested that I write back saying I don't use this account anymore. That one is good. I like it. But I want to hear from the rest of you, as well! C'mon, let's go! This should be fun!

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Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Location Location
Posts: 26630

quote:

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Originally posted by flocat
Hi Tomas,
I'm assuming you still use this e-mail account.

---

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Registered: Mar 2001
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 2451

just tell her you'll send hers after you get yours, then when you get yours just keep forgetting until it is more than convenient for you to send it (like 5 or six months should do). Then send it postage due.

-g

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Registered: Jul 2000
Location: my mother's bloody womb
Posts: 7310

reply via the babelfish at altavista in spanish, explaining to her that you are no longer in the country due to those drug charges, and that you're now a citizen of venezuela. then tell her that the shipping charges would be more than the piece of shit is worth.


or just reply in good old english, saying:

hey lady this acount belongs to me now i guess your boyfreind let it expire. but thanks for the adress! most peeple are smart enuff to make sure that they chek first to see if its the person tha tthey are looking 4 before sending a fukin adress! ill see you on saturday babee!

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Registered: Aug 2000
Location: NJ
Posts: 2300

Dear mariya, I'm really at a loss for words.
...So i gave a few of my friends the chance to speak for me.

here, you can read what they said here: [link this thread]

-(use someone else's handle and watch the fun ensue)


dear mariya,

EAT MY FUCK< YOU WHORE

-tomas


Dear mariya,

the cd player is in my pants. you want it, come and get it.
-tomas


Dear mariya,
Tomas is dead. Only the cold, blackhearted shell that is FLOCAT remains. flocat burns you in effigy. In an attempt to become one with the Borg, flocat dismantled your cd player in an attempt to become one with the borg flocat dismantled your cd player...
-flocat

ps- we should be together again


dear mariya (if that's your real name),

whay are you following me everywhere? I don't know about this CD player idea. How do i know you're not with THEM? or maybe...you're my only way out. is it a risk i should take? i don't know. Down with the empire.
-flocat

Dear mariya,
the cow is in the brown barn. meet me at 0700 hours at the payphone on the corner of 34th and main. I'll be the one with a red carnation.
long live the empire.
-agent flocat

dear mariya,
don't be a playa hata! get it, player/playa oh god i kill myself.
-tomas

Dear mariya,
maybe you just need more air in your tires.
www.jiffylube.com
-flocat

dear mariya,
WHAT DO I FUCKING LOOK LIKE, A TECH SUPPORT CLINIC?! you said you didn't need me anymore, but what's this? tomas, help me, tomas blah blah i need this. they all come crawling back to me. well i got something to tell you, honey. i WILL survive! This man doesn't need you anymore! HA! ROT IN TEH HELL!
-flocat

dear mariya,
i pawned your cd player for crack money. if you want, we can go looking for it together, and then maybe a little laterwe can get something to eat and i can steal your wallet or something. gimme a call.
-flocat

dear mariya,

beg for it.

-your new master

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Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Oregon. America.
Posts: 2406

Send her a small pack of wolves - let her know that the hunt is on and that red october will be packing potato's by midnight hence!

NIKE! Victory = semen!

...

I hate Mr. CHiPs cause he hasn't got a penis but he's right - you should do what he said cause, despite his eunuchtitude - he's pretty fucking funny.

That "bitch" part left my anus thoroughly expressed! WeRD!



SleEP. juust hnow.

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Registered: Jul 2000
Location: aggressivly happy
Posts: 9180

i say tell her you lost it in that house fire


or you gave it to RiZZ

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Registered: Aug 2000
Location:
Posts: 3030

I like Paint's idea. Either that or send this one:

quote:

---

Originally posted by Spaceboy
dear mariya (if that's your real name),

whay are you following me everywhere? I don't know about this CD player idea. How do i know you're not with THEM? or maybe...you're my only way out. is it a risk i should take? i don't know. Down with the empire.
-flocat

---

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Registered: Aug 2000
Location: I don't fukn' know!
Posts: 5137

tell her you will, then send her a bunch of cd player parts, bukakki style


or just tell her the truth, and if she wanted it back she shoulda asked for it back then, for now it has been sent to rizz, bukakki style.

OR

you could tell her that Tomas has moved, & send the the link to the guy in the PUFFY thread.

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Registered: Apr 2001
Location: Denver
Posts: 2532

Mariya,
Idea #1: Go buy a new one. That's what I did when your piece of shit crapped out.
Idea #2: Stick with the whole `not talking to you ever again' thing. It was working for ya.
And now that you've emailed me here, rest assured, I'll no longer be using it.

Last edited by Venus on 10-30-2001 at 03:46 PM

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Registered: Aug 2001
Location: Hilbert Space
Posts: 35985

Mariya:

wurble wurble wurble wurble wurble wurble
wurble wurble wurble wurble wurble wurble
wurble wurble wurble wurble wurble wurble
wurble wurble wurble wurble wurble wurble
wurble wurble wurble wurble wurble wurble
wurble wurble wurble wurble wurble wurble
wurble wurble wurble wurble wurble wurble
wurble wurble wurble wurble wurble wurble

Tomas

She will have to translate it herself

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Registered: Jul 2000
Location: A New England
Posts: 9188

Mariya,

The CD that is my soul was scratched by your leaving.
The Player that is my heart skipped a track when I saw you mailed me.
You played me again and again, then cruelly hit eject and put me on the pile with Spandeau Ballet and The Buggles.
Your CD Player I will keep as a constant reminder of the love we shared.
Please don't hate me.

Yours

Tomas

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Registered: Jan 2001
Location: California
Posts: 4252

Dear Mariya.

I loaned your CD player to Hakeim my Libian room mate. It doesn't work at the moment. Maybe if you clean the powder out it will. It is in the mail repackaged in an anonymous package so no one will steal it. Open the package carefully I just saw Hakeim messing with the box.

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Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Los Gatos, California, USA
Posts: 368

Dear Mariya,
I loaned your CD player to my last GF, and damned if she didn't keep it too. When it breaks and she sends me an email about it being broken, I'll forward the message to you.
Thomas


BTW, spaceboys "you need more air in your tires" is my personal favorite. The link to jiffy lube is just frosting on the cake...

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repeat after me:
"I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines"

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Registered: Nov 2000
Location:
Posts: 5161

Every one of these cracked me up.
And Spaceboy rocks.

however,

I think you should auction it on Ebay, no reserve, buyer pays shipping. Send her the fucking link.

Or just send her the Ebay link to one just like hers and let her start harrasing someone else.

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Registered: Aug 2000
Location: Myrtle Beach, SC
Posts: 15181

This thread rocks.

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Registered: Aug 2000
Location: East Bay
Posts: 3439

These are great suggestions. Who would have thought that an email from my ex would make me laugh so much? Well, it's not so much the email from her as it is the emails that could possibly be sent back to her. You guys are absolutely hilarious. Currently, I see this as a toss up between my original one (hey, I wrote it so it holds a special place in my heart), Paint CHiPs's suggestion, or one of Spaceboy's from the following:

Dear mariya,
the cow is in the brown barn. meet me at 0700 hours at the payphone on the corner of 34th and main. I'll be the one with a red carnation.
long live the empire.
-agent flocat

dear mariya,
don't be a playa hata! get it, player/playa oh god i kill myself.
-tomas

Dear mariya,
maybe you just need more air in your tires.
www.jiffylube.com
-flocat

So now, let us vote...or come up with one that you think is better! This thread is fun!

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Registered: Nov 2000
Location:
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If I have to chose I vote for JiffyLube.

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Registered: Jan 2001
Location: California
Posts: 4252

Dearest Mariya.

A Poem:

Suddenly I realized my mistake.
How could she be gone.
The one that is with me is not my own.
I must have her back, I must.
I cast off the one that has been merely giving me pleasure.
I want my CD player back.

P.S. Fuck off.

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Registered: Aug 2000
Location: Yeah, I'm there
Posts: 3317

quote:

---

Originally posted by morgana


hey lady this acount belongs to me now i guess your boyfreind let it expire. but thanks for the adress! most peeple are smart enuff to make sure that they chek first to see if its the person tha tthey are looking 4 before sending a fukin adress! ill see you on saturday babee!

---

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Registered: Aug 2001
Location: Hilbert Space
Posts: 35985

Your CD Player
Now mine, as air of my breath
Fuck off you fat bitch

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Registered: Sep 2000
Location:
Posts: 1925

send her donut powder labelled as anthrax

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Registered: Jul 2000
Location: A New England
Posts: 9188

CD is skipping?
Consider yourself played, bitch.
Mine is working fine.

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Registered: Nov 2000
Location:
Posts: 5161

quote:

---

Originally posted by Gorilla Biscuit
send her donut powder labelled as anthrax

---

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Registered: Jul 2001
Location: Holy shit
Posts: 1126

open up the cd player, put a small fish in it.

when she uses it and it heats up it should produce an interesting smell.

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