Registered: Dec 2000
Location: NZ
Posts: 877

While over being nosey in THT I noticed one of my posts on the front page.

A few people commented that I don't post there anymore, or don't come here anymore, or havn't been there lately.

Please explain that while I would be quite delighted in discussing my views on parenting, I can't.

As well as not being able to post, I can't send a PM to people who ask me specific questions. (EMTAE, Im fine, thanks for asking. How are you? ) - So please do not give people the idea that I am ignoring their posts, or do not wish to respond, as that is not the case.

We all know Im banned so that I don't run around saying nasty things about Roogie where his mummy might read them, so lets not pretend I actually had a choice.

Alternatively, redirect people here if they wish to query my views on parenting or any other issue.

Please don't use this as an opportunity to start a 'we hate/love rogue' thread. I'm merely requesting that you have the courtesy not to mislead people about the nature of my absense.

For those who are interested, my disadvantaged son is currently at his fathers, as he is every other weekend. He just won an award for reading, and got player of the day in his soccer team.

Again, despite some valid points that solo parenting is not necessarily the best situation, It is also not the worst. All you solo mothers/fathers, or people that only have access rather than custody of their children, don't dwell on what other people think. Just do your best to be there for them when they need you, and let them know how much you love them.

Just as a point of interest, Bin Ladens father had many wives, and those kids certainly were not in lack of a parent. Look how well he turned out.

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Aug 2001
Location: destination - ????????
Posts: 43

if you've read my post (if you dont know I am TotalAnarchy in THT) then you know my opinion. Bite me or love me. Either way.

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Dec 2000
Location: NZ
Posts: 877

Yes. Cheers TA (destination, whatever)

I agree with what you say. One thing that bugs me however is that people seem to think you should only breed if you know damn well that the person you breed with is a good sort. Yep, but this dosn't rule out unplanned pregnancies. The obvious response to this would be to say you should abstain from sex if you don't want to get knocked up. However, I should point out that I was told when I was 17 that I wouldn't be able to have children - AND I used condoms anyway. Hmm...this can only lead me to the conclusion that the only choice I had was whether to abort or adopt out my son. As I was engaged to his father, and we had brought a house and whatnot together, I saw no reason why I shouldn't go through with the pregnancy, especially as it might have been my only chance. We seemed to be the perfect couple, at the time. Even if I had forseen the relationship ending, I think I would have had my son anyway. As you said, you have to do the damndest to provide them every opportunity possible. It is a lot of hard work being a single parent, but the smile on my sons face every morning is worth it all

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Aug 2001
Location: deep in the heart of...
Posts: 517

some of the finest men i know were raised with little or no father figure. it takes courage, strength & a lot of love for a woman to raise a son practically on her own. i'd say you're doing a damn good job, Muffy.

its funny how single motherhood is much more common than single fatherhood.

best wishes.

__________________

[Ignore Sig]

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Sep 2001
Location: greta white north
Posts: 531

oops, sorry... i thought you decided not to come anymore, my bad..

cheers!

__________________

[Ignore Sig]

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Dec 2000
Location: NZ
Posts: 877

Cheers Lady Sianna.

No worries Mute.

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Sep 2001
Location: ........
Posts: 15083

quote:

---

Originally posted by MuffyTheVampyreLayer
While over being nosey in THT I noticed one of my posts on the front page.

Please explain that while I would be quite delighted in discussing my views on parenting, I can't.

---

Last edited by skalie on 11-25-2001 at 08:11 AM

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Jun 2001
Location: Conn.
Posts: 326

i love Lady Sianna!

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Dec 2000
Location: NZ
Posts: 877

quote:

---

Originally posted by skalie


how long till Muffy gets skalie banned from the THT?

---

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Jul 2001
Location: East Texas
Posts: 367

Muffy, I am here to concede a point to you.
You cannot "know" the heart and mind of the other person.
There is a giant blind spot that you must fill with trust.
But that is philisophical and not personal.
The personal aspect is what burns you.
pardon my self-righteousness but you cannot achieve something you do not believe in except degredation..

I still believe you should at least try to choose.
I still believe your kid will make up their own mind but what you show them is what they use to measure with.

I want my kid to see that you don't have to screw up your whole life and have no control or guidance when you tie into something as important as family.

That is what I want for my child.
That is what I want for every child.
I have said it before and been scorned as patronising

but you are making sure your child sees that he can be what he wants and do what he wants
[i]regardless of where he starts.[i]

you had a rough start, I know that.
But, you seem to believe I am saying you are a bad person.
I'm not realy too concerned with you.

This is my GOAL.

I never suffered your circumstances, but I did make some of your descisions.

You, like wise, did not chose the path I wish to take.

I am hoping and praying I can show my child that when you have the opportunity you can avoid hurting yourself.
You don't have to make a great comeback if you never fall.

If my kid makes it to adulthood unmolested and undiluted and unaccosted perhaps she won't need to have random sex or do lots of drugs and continue a cycle that causes so much suffering in young peopel who have done nothing wrong but have been wronged over and over.

I apologize for topping your old thread.

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Jun 2001
Location: Conn.
Posts: 326

MAC, you never finished your story about me from a really long time ago.

i wanna hear it.

it started with something about RW standing in your living room calling me a punk or some shit....

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Location Location
Posts: 26516

quote:

---

Originally posted by lady sianna


its funny how single motherhood is much more common than single fatherhood.

---

__________________

[Ignore Sig]

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Aug 2001
Location: deep in the heart of...
Posts: 517

quote:

---

posted by Faceplant:

i love Lady Sianna!

---

what on earth prompted that?!



yeah, i know what you mean Paint. and being confuzzled is the least of your worries.

__________________

[Ignore Sig]

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Dec 2000
Location: NZ
Posts: 877

quote:

---

Originally posted by theMAC
...Snip...

---

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Aug 2001
Location: Hilbert Space
Posts: 35783

I think that there might be some confusion between 'optimal' parenting (best-possible) and practical parenting (best under circumstances).

If I picked the 20 best pupils (most successful) from my teaching career, possibly all are from 2 parent families, which is odd as perhaps a quarter to a third of the kids I taught are from single parent families or families with recent divorce/remarraige. That is not the whole of my argument, but I would say that it is hard to imagine a job that is done better by one person thatn done by two working in a properly coordinated manner. When I pick 20 pupils, those are people who could go to any university in the world and look really good; they are flukes in many ways, at the extreme of excellence.

On the other hand, often the two people don't work together in a well-coordinated manner. In that case, it is entirely possible that one person is much better than that particular two people. So many single parent situations are better than the only available 2 parent situation was.

I think that this issue of practicality versus optminality is the hidden problem. It isn't always possible to have 2 parents there (one might die, for starters) and the best that can be done in a given situation can still be very good. Parenting is a practical matter; you just do the best you can. The vast majority of kids aren't 'optimal'; single parent kids can do well and will probably be better off than the children of very unhappy 2 parent families. Without being trivial, being ugly, 'funny-looking' or fat probably causes a lot of trauma to kids too.

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Apr 2001
Location: 0.50
Posts: 9355

i didn't realize i had experience in this until right now. unless i posted something in the thread at tht, i don't know. so i guess it's possible that i am repeating myself. anyway, this:

my sister has a son, but no husband. for reasons i don't care to know she doesn't want the father around, so technically my nephew is a singly-parented child. however, my parents, myself, and my brother are around to help raise him and teach him and help him.

1) why would a father be better than us? he has male role models, he has a loving environment, he has stability.
2) why would an uncle who loves him be better than any other man who loves him? "family" is not a naturally strict concept.

those are serious (ly rhetorical) questions.

structure and circumstance are not important. all that matters is that the child is loved, and that the parent(s) isn't(/aren't) idiots.

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Aug 2001
Location: Hilbert Space
Posts: 35783

quote:

---

Originally posted by Buddha's Penis!
*snip*

---

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Dec 2000
Location: NZ
Posts: 877

quote:

---

Originally posted by Smug Git

I don't think that there is some spooky biological bond between 'man and child' that is necessarily different to other bonds implying that that 'father role' can't be filled.

---

Yay!! The Git wins!

So does BP.

And thanks for sharing that BP - I didn't know you had a nephew. Cool. I'm sure you are a good role model. Does he call you Uncle Penis?

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Apr 2001
Location: 0.50
Posts: 9355

well, yeah. that would be my point, i think.

further more:
muffy isn't raising her son on a houseboat, surviving on seabirds and the pullings from a net. she has clearly stated that there is a large communal structure aiding the effort, as well as 2 other people in her home. i agree, that doesn't say "singly-parented" to me. but then, who is?
what muffy seems to be objecting to is the idea that two Parents make an automatically better environment in which to raise a child, or even an optimal one. i don't think it's a matter of goodbetterbest, or anything that can be measured in such quantifiable terms as single parent or otherwise.

to say that she is "doing her best" implies immediately that better could be done, and that she is not providing optimal care for her child, that he is missing out in some way that she can't directly compensate for. hence the somewhat emotional responses from muffy dear, as this implication would be insulting.

(note: not directed at anyone personally, these are just my sympathetic ramblings)

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Apr 2001
Location: 0.50
Posts: 9355

quote:

---

Originally posted by MuffyTheVampyreLayer
And thanks for sharing that BP - I didn't know you had a nephew. Cool. I'm sure you are a good role model. Does he call you Uncle Penis?

---

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Dec 2000
Location: NZ
Posts: 877

quote:

---

Originally posted by Buddha's Penis!

what muffy seems to be objecting to is the idea that two Parents make an automatically better environment in which to raise a child, or even an optimal one. i don't think it's a matter of goodbetterbest, or anything that can be measured in such quantifiable terms as single parent or otherwise.

to say that she is "doing her best" implies immediately that better could be done, and that she is not providing optimal care for her child, that he is missing out in some way that she can't directly compensate for. hence the somewhat emotional responses from muffy dear, as this implication would be insulting.

---

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Jul 2001
Location: East Texas
Posts: 367

Muffy, I'm sorry to upset you again with my POV.<