Registered: Aug 2000
Location:
Posts: 631

"The Drink" by Paint CHiPs - 12/10/01

Click the link below to read it!

"The Drink" by Paint CHiPs - 12/10/01

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Location Location
Posts: 26383

This is not, I repeat NOT, a cry for help.

This was my final essay for Creative Non Fiction. The assignment was 2500 or so words on a pivotal moment in your life. Since drinking is something I've had to struggle with on and off since I was 16 and I've never really written about it before (in a serious way), I thought I would give it a shot.

But again, I am looking for literary, not personal, criticism.

Of course you can say whatever comes to you, I just thought I would make that abundantly clear.

__________________

[Ignore Sig]

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Jul 2000
Location: seattle-ish
Posts: 11266

Though Ive heard bits and pieces at a time from you over the last year or so.. it very different when you put it all into one story.
I dont really know what to say, besides that it was moving, and very well written.
Good job, brad.

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Sep 2000
Location: The Bottom of the Toyem Pole
Posts: 9453

Good read. What did the prof think?

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Aug 2000
Location:
Posts: 3030

That was wonderfully well written Paint. I hope the teacher loved it. And thanks for sharing.

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Nov 2001
Location: St.louis MO.
Posts: 245

Damn. That is some fine writing Paint. I hope you got an A for it.

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Nov 2001
Location:
Posts: 28

Girlfriend Breakup

Brad are we talking about Sonya here? Just wondering you fucking pile of dogshit.
Clay

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Aug 2000
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 15123

Definitely a good read. You have talent for keeping a story interesting. :+:

__________________

[Ignore Sig]

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Location Location
Posts: 26383

quote:

---

Originally posted by Kugl0
Brad are we talking about Sonya here? Just wondering you fucking pile of dogshit.
Clay

---

__________________

[Ignore Sig]

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Nov 2001
Location:
Posts: 28

quote:

---

Originally posted by PaintCHiPs
Huh?
Why on earth would that have anything to do with Sonja?

---

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Location Location
Posts: 26383

Oh. Hrm, I can't even remember. It very well might have been, though.

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Location Location
Posts: 26383

Oh, and as far as the reaching for drama over embellishing things, I have a tendency to do that in all forms of communication. I am the epitome of the "I caught a fish THIS big guy". Analogies, in particular, are something I've always gone way overboard with. Anything specific you can point out, though?

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Oct 2000
Location: Dumbfucksville!
Posts: 12164

I'm a nobody and these are my comments. I'm a harsh critic, so don't take what I say seriously, okay? I MEAN THIS. I'm not trying to tear you down or do a number on you. But I'm gonna tell you what I think.

You see this sentence here: "Crashing through the thick brush, the leaves and twigs crunching under my feet as I fled, I can’t remember if the tears were because I was screaming inside or if they were because I kept getting whipped in the face with errant branches." The meter is all wrong. And there's too much information in it. This section needs to be taken out: "I can’t remember if the tears were because I was screaming inside or if they were because I kept getting whipped in the face with errant branches." I don't like "errant branches". And if you were getting whipped in the face with branches, you'd know why you were crying. But besides this, I feel it's extraneous and it's just a "writery" thing. Plus it destroys the "crashing" and "crunching" imagery (nice) of an animal/human being chased. Even the "as I fled" at the end of the sentence, could be moved up front: "As I fled through the thick brush, I crushed the leaves and twigs under my feet " Now bring on the next sentence, and don't make it too long. Give out the infomation in small doses. And whatever it is, I'm sure you'd remember why you were crying. Don't say, "I can't remember if the tears were because of this or because of that"; instead, KNOW why you were crying and tell us.

Instead of "I was trying to hunch down, an arm thrown forward to make my way, as I ran down the small hill into a heavily wooded ravine", I would prefer "I was hunched down, an arm thrown forward, making my way down the hill into a wooded ravine." Do you see how I cut it? It makes it easier to read and to follow, and it moves better.

Shit! I could spend a lot of time on this, but not now. I first have to know if we're on the same page here. Art is subjective, and you and I both know this.

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 10178

Longest





Blog




Post



Ever!!!




More Flakes of Reality!!!!!!!!!!!!

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Sep 2001
Location: ........
Posts: 14954

quote:

---

Originally posted by wonderaz
aaaah let's not be dragging up too may worthless old threads, ok? This isn't really helping things.

---

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Mar 2004
Location: USA
Posts: 24299

Paint can write? Who knew?

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Dec 2002
Location:
Posts: 2573

Hasn't that been posted in its entirety before now?

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Location Location
Posts: 26383

Yeah; somebody topped it I guess.

Coincidentally, I've been clean and sober for one year, today.

__________________

[Ignore Sig]

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Feb 2003
Location: Oceanside, CA
Posts: 5071

Congrats, Paint. I'd raise my glass to you, but it seems in poor taste.

__________________

[Ignore Sig]

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged