Registered: Nov 2000
Location: Florida
Posts: 316

Here's a few jokes a friend emailed to me. My apologies if any have been posted before.

Once upon a time, a woman died and went to heaven. When she reached the Pearly Gates she was met by St. Peter. She said, "Am I in heaven?"
He said, "Yes, you are at the Pearly Gates."

"Do I get to come in?" asked the woman.

St. Peter said, "Yes, if you can spell a word."

"What word?"

"Any word."

She said, "Okay, I'll spell love." She did and was allowed to enter.

A few minutes later, St. Peter approached her and said, "I have to leave for a minute. Would you watch the gate?"

She looked astonished and said, "You want me to watch the gate?"

St. Peter said, "Yes."

She asked, "What do I do if someone comes up?"

He replied, "Just what I did. Ask them to spell a word."

As she stood looking around at all the beautiful sights in heaven, she saw a man walking toward the gates. As he drew closer, the woman recognized him. It was her husband. She was shocked!

He walked up to the gates. "What happened?" the wife asked.

"Well," the husband replied, "I was so upset after your funeral that on the way home I had an accident and died. Am I in heaven?"

"You are at the Pearly Gates," she said.

"Do I get to come in?" he asked.

"Yes, but you have to spell a word," she said.

"What word?" he asked.

"Czechoslovakia," she replied.

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One night, a child was having trouble sleeping because he kept hearing noises from his parents' bedroom, so he went in there and saw them having sex. The child asked his dad what he was doing, and his father said, "You have always wanted a baby brother, so I'm putting a baby boy in your mom."
The child becomes ecstatic upon hearing the news. The next day, however, his dad pulled into the driveway and saw his son sitting on the lawn, crying. When his dad asked what was wrong, the child said, "Remember that baby boy you put in mommy? Well, the mailman came and ate him!"

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Shortly after they were married, the newlywed wife was complaining to her mother about her husband's insatiable sexual appetite.
"He wants to do it fifteen times a day -- anytime, anyplace, anywhere; on the table, on the stairs, on the sofa, in the car, in the morning, in the afternoon, and in the evening. I can barely walk anymore."

The mother advises her daughter to tell him she's on her period, which seems like a good idea.

So that evening, when the husband comes home from work, he proceeds to undress himself and his wife, and she stops him.

"I'm sorry sweetie, but it's that time of the month."

The husband gets up, looks at his wife, and says, "It's all good honey. I understand." He puts on a robe and walks away.

The wife is somewhat surprised at her husband's mature reaction, but a few minutes later, he returns holding two glasses and a bottle of Champagne.

So she asks, "What's going on dear?"

"We're celebrating!", he replies.

"Celebrating? What exactly are we celebrating?" she asks.

"ORAL SEX WEEK!"

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A group of girlfriends went on vacation and saw a five-story hotel with a sign that read, "For Women Only." Since they were without their boyfriends, they decided to go in.
The Bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors... go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide, since each floor has signs telling you what's inside."

So they start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads, "All the men here are horrible lovers, but they are sensitive and kind"... the friends laugh and, without hesitation, move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads, "All the men here are wonderful lovers, but they generally treat women badly." This wasn't going to do, so the friends move up to the third floor where the sign read, "All the men here are great lovers and sensitive to the needs of women."

This was good, but there were still two more floors.

On the fourth floor, the sign was perfect: "All the men here have perfect builds; are sensitive and attentive to women; are perfect lovers; they are also single, rich and straight."

The women seemed pleased, but they decide that they would rather see what the fifth floor had to offer before they settled for the fourth.

When they reach the fifth floor, there is a sign that reads:
"There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that it is impossible to please a woman."

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One day, a man noticed that a new couple had moved into the house next door. He was also quick to notice that the woman liked to sunbathe in the backyard, usually in a skimpy bikini that showed off a magnificent pair of breasts.
He made it a point to water and trim his lawn as much as possible, hoping for yet another look. Finally, he could stand it no more. Walking to the front door of the new neighbor's house, he knocked and waited. The husband, a large, burly man, opened the door. "Excuse me," the man stammered, "But I couldn't help noticing how beautiful your wife is."

"Yeah? So?" his hulking neighbor replied.

"Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her breasts are. I would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I could kiss those breasts." The burly gorilla is about to deck the poor man when his wife appears and stops him. She pulls him inside and they discuss the offer for a few moments.

Finally, they return and ask the man to step inside. "Okay," the husband says gruffly, "For ten thousand dollars, you can kiss my wife's breasts."

At this, the wife unbuttons her blouse, and the twin objects of desire hang free at last. The man takes one in each hand, and proceeds to rub his face against them in total ecstasy. This goes on for several minutes, until the husband gets annoyed. "Well, come on already, kiss 'em!" he growls.

"I can't," replies the man, still nuzzling away.

"Why not?" demands the husband, getting really angry now.

"I don't have ten thousand dollars!"

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A 5-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?" says the 5-year-old, "I think it's about time we started swearing."

The 4-year-old nods his head in approval.

"When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say 'hell,' and you say 'ass', okay?"

"Okay," the 4-year-old says with enthusiasm.

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5-year-old what he wants for breakfast.

"Awe, hell mom, I guess I'll have the Cheerios."

Whack!! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out.

The mom looks at the 4-year-old and asks in a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios."

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A nun was sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."
"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.

"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 10 yards."

"Is that when you swore?"

"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.

"Well, no," says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.

"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."

The two nuns were silent for a moment. Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?"

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The Irish Ego


Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to invade next, when his telephone rang.
"Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavy accented voice said.

"This is Paddy down in County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well Paddy," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news! Tell me, how big is your army?"

"At this moment in time," said Paddy after a moment's calculation, "there are myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbor Gerry, and the entire dominoes team from the pub -- that makes 8!"

Saddam sighed, "I must tell you Paddy that I have 1 million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begorra!" said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day Paddy rang back. "Right Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.

"Well, we have 2 combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's tractor from the farm."

Once more Saddam sighed, "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16 thousand tanks, 14 thousand armored personnel carriers, and my army has increased to 1 and a half million since we last spoke."

"Really?!" said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Right Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Ted's ultra-light with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and the bridge team has joined us as well!"

Saddam was silent for a minute, then sighed. "I must tell you Paddy that I have 10 thousand bombers, 20 thousand MiG, 19 attack planes, my military complex is surrounded by laser-guided surface-to-air missile sites, and since we last spoke, my army has increased to 2 million."

"Faith and begorra!" said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Right Mr. Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Paddy "We all had a chat and there's no way we can feed 2 million prisoners."

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Last edited by blank22 on 01-21-2002 at 06:29 AM

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