Registered: Jan 2002
Location: UK
Posts: 13018

St. Albion Parish News

Hullo,

Well, here we are, having come a long way on our Lenten journey, and it is a very good time to take stock of where we have been, and even more, where we are hoping to go to. I think the first thing we have to do, at this stage, is to get rid of all the baggage that’s going to make our journey more difficult. What are you thinking of, Vicar? you ask. I’ll tell you. We don’t want any more talk of such things as Mr Mittal (who is not my friend) or Mrs Moore, or Mr Enron, or Mr Byers. I’m going to take a leaf out of my predecessor Rev. Major’s book, and draw a line under the whole lot of them!

Now, don’t you already feel that things are getting better? That there’s a new spirit of hope in the air? So where do we go from here? I’ll tell you! We look upwards. We look forwards and not backwards! You see, what I’m offering you is a kind of road map to the future! We all need a road map on our journey. Otherwise you can get lost! And, hey, aren’t there a lot of lost people out there? I think there are! But a road map on its own is not much use, unless you’ve got someone to read that map and tell you what it’s about! And that’s where I come in! Because it’s my job to tell you where we’re going, and how we’re going to get there!
When you travel on my way (the Third Way, if you remember!), using my map, you’ll find that the road leads fast and straight to the future!

You won’t find any road closures, or traffic cones, or tailbacks to hold you back in the past! What I am offering you is what I call “Phase Three” of our journey! So what does that mean? Let me spell it out. P-H-A-S-E T-H-R-E-E. And what does that stand for? It’s obvious, isn’t it? We have had Phases One and Two, and that’s what we’re drawing a line under! But, hey, I wouldn’t want anyone to think that we haven’t come a long way already on our journey from the past to the future! Just remember how things used to be in the harsh and heartless days when Deaconess Thatcher ruled the roost in this parish! Goodness me, how different it all now looks!

As I walk around the parish, I see signs everywhere of how fast things are changing in a more hopeful way! I see daffodils springing up by the roadside! I see blossom on the trees. I see more and more women at our bus stops! I see smiling gay couples, free to walk through our streets without being gunned down! And it all brings to mind the words of that unforgettable hymn of thanksgiving by St Satchmo, “I see trees of green, red roses too, I see them bloom for me and you, and I think to myself, it’s a wonderful world”! Isn’t that a vision worth journeying towards? I’ll say it is!

Yours,

Tony

Thanks very much to Mr Mandelson for his help in compiling the above. His contribution is, as ever, invaluable and his idea about “the third phase” just shows how important it is that he returns to the team for “the third time”! T.B.

Parish Postbag

Dear Sir,
Some of us on the PCC are desperately worried at the way the Vicar seems prepared to support the belligerent and highly un-christian views of the Rev. Dubya. If things go on like this, I for one will have no choice but to

Yours sincerely,
MRS CLARE SHORT,
The Oxfam Shop,
High Street.

The editor reserves the right to cut all letters from members of the PCC who are threatening to resign because of what the Vicar’s up to.

A Special Message From the Rev. Dubya Bush, Church of the Seventh Day Morons, Washington

Brothers and Sisters over there in Grand Britain!

I invite y’all to join with me in the great fight against the Evil One, whoever and wherever he may be! For remember, the Devil has many guises! One minute he is hiding in a cave, like some goddamned, pesky racoon. The next minute he has a moustache and he is sitting in some palace in Baghdad. But my message is clear to him and every one of you. The U.S. Cavalry is coming! And I want y’all over there in little ol’ England town to join me in our mission to kick ass in the name of the Lord. The end is nigh and it’ll be a lot nigher if I have my way! Amen and Alleluia!

The Vicar continued his series of Lenten talks last week with “Foxhunting – The Middle Way”

There was a very good turn-out to hear the Vicar outline his views on what he called “The most important issue facing mankind today”. In the old days, he said you were either for or against hunting. But he wanted to move on from that old-fashioned polarised thinking. He proposed a Third Way, which would be neither pro nor anti, but what he called “Pranti”, from the Greek “prantos” meaning “a man sitting on the fence”.

This third phase in the development of the hunting debate will make everyone happy, said the Vicar.

When it came to questions afterwards, Rev. Blair said that he was very sorry but he had to catch a plane to Barcelona to see his new friend Monsignor Silvio Mussolini to discuss their continuing friendship and agreement about the “right way” to do things!

Editor: Alistair Campbell

Last edited by philjit on 03-30-2002 at 01:45 PM

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Registered: Jul 2001
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 4855

Eh, not as funny as they usually are

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