OLD old jokes - Asylum Forums

Asylum Forums : Powered by vBulletin version 2.2.8

Asylum Forums > The Lost Forum > OLD old jokes

Last Thread Next Thread

Author

Thread

Postmodgirl
quivering arshle

Registered: Aug 2000
Location: I don't fukn' know!
Posts: 5137

OLD old jokes

quote:

A priest going the round of his parish on Saturday before Easter, sprinkling holy water in the houses as was his custom, came to a painter's room and there sprinkled the water on some of his pictures. The painter, turning round was somewhat annoyed, asked him why this sprinkling had been bestowed on his pictures; then the priest said that it was the custom and that it was his duty to do so, that he was doing good, and that whoever did a good deed might expect a return as good and better; for so God had promised that every good deed that was done on earth shall be rewarded a hundredfold from on high. Then the painter, having waited until the priest had walked out, stepped to the window above, and threw a large bucket of water on to his back, saying: Here is the reward a hundredfold from on high as you said would come from the good you did me with your holy water with which you have damaged half my pictures.

....

The Franciscan friars are wont to keep certain periods of fasting when they do not eat meat in their monasteries, but on journeys as they are living on charity they have licence to eat whatever is set before them. Now a couple of these friars travelling under these conditions stopped at an inn in company of a certain merchant, and sat down with him at the same table, where on account of the poverty of the inn nothing was server except a small roasted cockerel. At this the merchant, as he saw that this would be little for himself, turned to the friars and said:'If I remember rightly you do not eat any kind of meat in your monasteries at this season' At these words the friars were constrained by their rule to admit without further cavil that this was the case; so this merchant had his desire and ate the chicken, and the friars fared as best they could.
Now having dined thus, the table-companions departed all three together, and after travelling some distance they came to a river of considerable with and depth, and as they were all three on foot - the friars by reason of their poverty, and the other by avarice - it was necessary, according to the custom of company, that one of the friars, being barefoot, should carry the merchant on his shoulders; and so the friar having given him his clogs to hold, took up the man. But it so happened the friar, when he found himself in the middle of the river, remembered another of his rules, and stopping short like St. Christopher raised his head towards him who was weighing upon him and said:'Just tell me, have you any money about you?' 'You know quite well that I have' answered the other.'How do you suppose a merchant like me could go about otherwise?' 'Alas,' said the friar, 'our rule forbids us to carry any money on our persons', and forthwith he droped him into the water. As the merchant percieved that this was done as a jest and in revenge for the injury he had done them, he with a smiling face, and blushing somewhat from shame endured the revenge peaceably.

....

A man wishing to prove the authority of Pythagoras that he had been in the world on a former occasion, and another not allowing him to conclude his argument, the first said to the second: 'This is a token that I was formerly here, I remember that you were a miller.' The other feeling stung by these words agreed that it was true for he remembered as a token that the speaker had been the ass which had carried the flour for him.

....

A man gave up associating with one of his friends because the latter had a habit of talking maliciously against his other friends. This neglected friend, one day reproached him and with many complaints besought him to tell him the reason why he had forgotten so great a friendship as theirs; to which he replied: I do not wish to be seen in your company any more because I like you, and if you talk to others maliciously of me, your friend, you may cause them to form a bad impression of you, as I did when you talked maliciously of them to me. If we have no more to do with each other it will seem as though we had become enemies, and the fact that you talk maliciously of me, as is your habit, will not be blamed so much as if we were constantly in eachother's company.