Registered: Jan 2002
Location: UK
Posts: 13002

QUEEN MOTHER'S FUNERAL PROCESSION - THE BEST OF BRITISH

The procession that took the Queen Mother's body from Clarence House to Westminster Abbey was, in the words of senior commentators, Royal hangers-on and frantically filling BBC commentators, "Britishness at its absolute bloody best."

The procession of the Royal Coffin was accompanied by 1700 soldiers, all of whom had been taken from their mothers by Royal decree at birth, and installed in a enormous cavern underneath Hampstead Heath where they have been practicing this very ceremony since 1969, when the Queen Mother's first "full scale international death scare" was reported. Since then, these men have been secretly rehearsing with military precision, morning, noon and night. Brains Trust reporters, witnessed the procession and have produced this handy "download and throw-away guide" to the events of the day.

6:00am – the six-hour game of charades, chaired by Prince Edward during the royal vigil, came to an end.

7:00am – The 42 debutante girls of the 2002 season arrived at Clarence House, where their bodies were drained of blood by the Duchess of York, (aided ably by daughters Beatrice and Eugenie), and their corpses arranged in the Queen Mother's Bowes-Lyon crest, and set alight on Green Park.

8:00am – Prince Philip was woken, and began working on his funeral speech which he lightened with some mother-in-law jokes "at long bloody last".

9:00am – The Queen Mother's two ladies-in-waiting and the BBC's Jenny Bond were ceremonially chloroformed by hand-picked members of the Queen's Royal Hussars, and laid alongside the Queen Mother, as per her wishes.

9:30am – Europe's largest circus entertained the thousands who began to appear in St James's Park for the procession, while royal courtiers handed out loaves of bread baked in the shape of a large bottle of Dubonnet.

10:00am – Two hand-restored Messerschmitts left RAF Northolt and began their bombing run on Bethnal Green's Roman Road, in recreation of the Queen Mother's many visits to a war-torn East End. Many locals stay in their homes as they are destroyed, as "it is what the old girl would have wanted".

11:30am – In a nod to The Royal Tournament, the Queen Mother's favourite military tattoo, three teams of Royal Navy Gunners each began to assemble a coffin, the fastest team attaching their coffin to a pulley, with the Queen Mother gently placed inside. They then swung her along a steel cable suspended high over a series of wooden horses down the Mall to Horse Guard's Parade.

11:50am – As a sign of respect as the Queen Mother's coffin passed them at the Cenotaph, 10 volunteer privates from the 9th/12th Royal Lancers simultaneously went deaf when the hour-long 41-gun salute began only two feet away from them.

12:00pm – The winners of the Daily Mail's competition met the coffin at Westminster Abbey, and laid down on the steps to cushion the way for the 122 surviving members of the Royal Family, following the coffin.

The Brained Trust

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Registered: Nov 2001
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:spin: Debutantes aren't virgins, and that only works with virgins. Silly Brits. :spin:

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Registered: Aug 2000
Location: I don't fukn' know!
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HAH!

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Registered: Oct 2001
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You Brits sure are hard on yer queens.

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Registered: Jan 2002
Location: UK
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quote:

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Originally posted by Mugtoe
You Brits sure are hard on yer queens.

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the meer thought of getting a 'hard on on my Queen' is not only alien to me but ugly to boot. You sick sick individual!

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Registered: Nov 2001
Location: Rio de los Brazos de Dios
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Phil, the revocation of your British citizenship is being processed. You are directed to submit your passports, your umbrella, your bowler hat, and your striped pants at Whitehall for redistribution to true Brits. Your heraldic banner has been removed from Westminster Abbey and a bar sinister has been placed on your coat of arms registered at the College of Heralds. Your place of exile is being determined by a Board of Grievance and will be transmitted to you by messenger. They wanted to send you to Texas but we refused. Sorry 'bout that.

And incidentally you will not be allowed to use that signature quote any more.

__________________

[Ignore Sig]

oxsan


Don't kick until yer spurred.

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quote:

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Originally posted by oxsan
They wanted to send you to Texas but we refused. Sorry 'bout that.

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Goddamit! an I wanted to watch me some frying executions too!

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Registered: Jan 2002
Location: UK
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quote:

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Originally posted by oxsan
And incidentally you will not be allowed to use that signature quote any more.

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good point! Better change it!

edit: is that better?

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Registered: Oct 2001
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

We don't fry em, Phil. We give em the Master Blaster - The Shot Heard Round The World, as Joe Bowles would say.

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