Registered: Oct 2001
Location: toronto
Posts: 1612

How To Argue


I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. You too can win arguments. Simply follow these rules:

Drink liquor.

Suppose you are at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about. If you're drinking some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you'll hang back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls your date. But if you drink several large martinis, you'll discover you have STRONG VIEWS about the Peruvian economy. You'll be a WEALTH of information. You'll argue forcefully, offering searing insights and possibly upsetting furniture. People will be impressed. Some may leave the room.

Make things up.

Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove that Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that YOU are underpaid, and you'll be damned if you're going to let a bunch of Peruvians be better off. DON'T say: "I think Peruvians are underpaid." Say instead: "The average Peruvian's salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is $836.07 before the mean gross poverty level."

NOTE: Always make up exact figures.

If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT up too. Say: "This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon's study for the Buford Commission published on May 9, 1982. Didn't you read it?" Say this in the same tone of voice you would use to say, "You left your soiled underwear in my bathroom."

Use meaningless but weighty-sounding words and phrases.

Memorize this list:

Let me put it this way
In terms of
Vis-a-vis
Per se
As it were
Qua
So to speak

You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as "Q.E.D.", "e.g.", and "i.e." These are all short for "I speak Latin, and you don't."

Here's how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say, "Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don't have enough money."

You never win arguments talking like that. But you WILL win if you say, "Let me put it this way. In terms of appetizers vis-a-vis Peruvians qua Peruvians, they would like to order them more often, so to speak, but they do not have enough money per se, as it were. Q.E.D."

Only a fool would challenge that statement.

Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks.

You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevant phrases to fire back at your opponents when they make valid points. The best are:

You're begging the question.
You're being defensive.
Don't compare apples to oranges.
What are your parameters?

This last one is especially valuable. Nobody (other than engineers and policy wonks) has the vaguest idea what "parameters" means.

Here's how to use your comebacks:

You say: As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873...
Your opponent says: Lincoln died in 1865.
You say: You're begging the question.

You say: Liberians, like most Asians...
Your opponent says: Liberia is in Africa.
You say: You're being defensive.

Compare your opponent to Adolf Hitler.

This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously right and you are spectacularly wrong. Bring Hitler up subtly. Say, "That sounds suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say," or "You certainly do remind me of Adolf Hitler."

So that's it. You now know how to out-argue anybody. Do not try to pull any of this on people who generally carry weapons.

http://www.nirvananet.org/how_to_argue.html

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Registered: Jun 2001
Location: Conn.
Posts: 326

i enjoyed this post.

ps.
this is the first time i ever used the quick reply thing.

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Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Oregon. America.
Posts: 2076

Christ...

I was just at this extraordinarily bullshit social function with red wine and leather couches and other stuff you aren't supposed to set your drinks on, when someone I was arguing with just started throwing out "vis-a-vis" and 'pro-qua' and "q.e.d." and whatever and couldn't make a single assertive, plain english statement to save his little, academic ass.

It is, in my opinion, the biggest load of posturing bullshit and I can't believe people actually buy this stuff.

Anyway, that was fucking hilarious. Thank you

Did you write it? (ie, [hah!] are you the person that runs that site you linked?)

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Registered: Oct 2001
Location: toronto
Posts: 1612

No, this was blatant plagiarism.

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Registered: Oct 2001
Location: toronto
Posts: 1612

However, I've said many of the things in conversation, and then accused the other person of begging the question like Hitler.

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Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 10121

How is it that totse.com's forum has almost 32,000 registered members and about the same amount of posts as us for 2002?

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Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Texas
Posts: 1374

This customer only wanted half a head of lettuce and insisted the stock boy check with the manager before denying his request.

The boy approached his boss. "Some moron wants to buy half a head of lettuce," he said. Just then he saw that the customer was standing right behind him. "And this gentleman," he added quickly, "has kindly offered to buy the other half."

Later the mamaber said, "That was some pretty quick thinking. Tell me, where are you from?"

"Canada, sir."

"Really? And why did you leave?"

"Because theres nobody up there but tramps and hockey players."

"I see," said the manager. "You know, my wife is from Canada..."

"Really, sir?" said the boy. "What team did she play for??"

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Registered: Oct 2001
Location: toronto
Posts: 1612

quote:

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Originally posted by MstrG
How is it that totse.com's forum has almost 32,000 registered members and about the same amount of posts as us for 2002?

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Registered: Aug 2001
Location: Hilbert Space
Posts: 35561

Good stuff.

I use 'paramaters' and 'paramaterise' in conversation. Perhaps this makes me a nerd?

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Registered: May 2002
Location:
Posts: 34

Don't mind me. I'm just trying to test out the "quick reply" option also.

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Registered: Apr 2002
Location:
Posts: 270

I always have compared people to hitler.

however Im going to try the others just to be an ass.

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Registered: May 2001
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 987

Hehe I've read that one before. Always found it quite entertaining. I did try out the Hitler thing onetime to this annoying person online. They messaged me and wanted to babble about what I looked like or whatever so I told them they sounded like Hitler. They just sort of responded like WHAT? and stoppped talking to me.

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Registered: Jul 2001
Location: Disgusting den of creepitude
Posts: 9694

Nothing like being compared to hitler to get one's dander up.

That was a very intreresting read as well. I think I'll use some of that advise for this weekends drunken festivities.

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