Peter_Torque
Grill Instructor
Registered: May 2002
Location: No. California
Posts: 4175 |
Well, it's July 4th, and I'll be damned if I sit back and let a bunch of foreigners attack my fellow 'merican.
Later today, I'm going to wrap myself in a flag and give my speech to my (Scottish) wife, and I don't care how many fruits and vegetables she pelts me with (as long as they're not canned), I'm going to firmly uphold my country's right to own everything. We won it in a war awhile back, from what I understand. Microsoft and Nike did something and now they own it all, along with Texaco and Rupert Murdoch. I think.
Britney is our Queen, dammit. You've got your own, though I wouldn't want to do the things I would do with Britney. You had another Queen, but why they fired Freddy Mercury I'll never understand. I like that "We are the Champions," no football riot would be the same without it.
Everybody wanted to boff Diana until you sicced the fabled British Press on her, jumping out of bushes and recording her phone-sex with garbagemen of the peerage, whatwhat hiphip and all that. (And weren't those the most dreadful excuses for aural erotica you've ever heard? "Owhh, spiggy... how I lawwwwng for you...") Then you had her offed for fucking rich ragheads and all of a sudden nobody blames the French. IT happened in PARIS, y'dig? Am I the only one who notices these things?
When John Wayne was at Valley Forge, did you hear us complaining? NO, he crossed that river and it's a damn good painting, though it could have used some tits. And when Tom "Dawg" Jefferson fucked the French out of about a third of the continent for about $24 in beads and Shaker furniture, how many Brits did you see helping out? Not a one, I promise you. You had to give them Canada, ya bastards, and now we have to live with them and their version of the French, which aside from wanting their own goddamn country, within Canada, have the most amazing fucking strippers I've ever seen. Naked supermodels who go apeshit over a real American dollar and will take it right out of your mouth without using their hands. You'd be proud, too.
So next time you're choking down a vegamite-burger made with Koala meat or blowing your meagre paycheck on Air Jordans and Bovril, think about America. Realize that even though WWIII is going to last for about 15 minutes, we have more channels of crap than anyplace else on earth, and more commercials per hour, too. Especially if you "watch" any Turner or Murdoch channels, i.e. TNT, TBS, FOX, FX etc. It's like having schizophrenia inflicted on you every fifteen minutes.
Yeah, goddamnit. Who invented tailgating? HUH? Baywatch? That's ours, too. Next time you're sitting there with your pathetic nub in your grimy mitt, wanking away to Pam Anderson (or for the truly cultured, the lovely Brooke whatsername) understand our pride and know that we don't give a shit. We're Americans.
We'll take your fucking music, thank you very much. (What choice do we have? Quick, name a French rock band. See?) But you can keep Paul Hogan, Ann Richardson or Robinsegg or whatever that cunt's name is, those horrible game shows and those fucking poncey hairstyles you guys invent about every half-hour.
And one more thing; no more whiny piece of shit bands like "Culture Club" or "The Cure," please. We just might kick your ass again if you keep that shit up. Swear to gawd, Depeche Mode comes on TV and I want to break shit. Whine on your own time. You want our American money, send over more AC/DC (am I the only one who thinks Angus is a little old for the schoolboy look, unless there's something really creepy going on there, maybe a misguided Michael Jackson-ish thing nobody wants to talk about. Who was Rosie? Was she French? "Knockin' me out with those American thighs?" Please. American thighs look like log-rides at Disneyworld.)
So in closing, I hope you've learned something here, and that my words aren't wasted on the wasted. Fuck Guy Fawkes. You need to blow more shit up. That's what I'm going to do today, in honor of whuppin' Froggy-asses for 200 years, and because I'm American, and it's my right to blow shit up and pontificate about my country until I run out of
Think of the children!
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Last edited by Peter_Torque on 07-04-2002 at 03:16 PM
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got to give me some tongue for that...
07-04-2002 04:13 AM
