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Sestina #4 – For Gregor

If I could keep affections in order
A structured, stepwise ranking I could grade
Against a grand hierarchical plan
Begotten by no fickle-feeling heart
Then perhaps I could live without the fear
Of consequences I have created

Perhaps it lies within the created
Being’s purview not to know or order
What lies outside our ken; I shouldn’t fear
However that I will not make the grade
And be judged lacking of a faithful heart
Because the damage wasn’t in the plan

And truthfully I really didn’t plan
At all, no malice I just created
Under tyranny of impulsive heart
Of love-starved chaos, there was no order
To my actions, there was no higher grade
Of consideration, no proper fear

The beginning of wisdom is the fear
Of God, I was taught, but I tried to plan
Manipulate, deceive myself and grade
The many-chambered house I created
According to self-determined order
Compartmentalizing a human heart

But there was nothing at the very heart
Of what I did but stark self-centered fear
And willful lack of trust in God’s order
Compelling Byzantine impulse to plan
Unconsciously; this creature created
Abomination of a lower grade

The path back out is of a steeper grade
Than that which easily destroyed the heart
Or friendship and dear feeling created
Early on when we gave no rein to fear
And did not see disaster in the plan
Of free affection’s natural order

But Grace will smooth the grade and face the fear
And in contrition my heart finds a plan
In what’s created in loving order.


© Mugtoe 2002

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