Registered: Aug 2000
Location: Shreveport, LA
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I just got word that a old friend of mine died yesterday. We used to party alot and times with him where always a blur.

Well, I heard that he drank himself to death. This doesn't surprise me because the boy would drink harder, dope harder, and just live harder than anyone could think possible.

He came into chat a few times. I don't know if he signed up here or not. If he did he probably didn't fill out any info. That was his way. Backroads cruising and anoynimity was his course through life.

I'm not broke up too much by his death. That sounds cruel but I know he didn't like living in the here and now. We had some deep discussions on such as that and I'm sure he's found something better to get into to. And as wierd as it sounds, I'm sure that he wanted to go out in a haze. That too was his way.

What a world, what a world.

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What was his nic?

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Didn't have to be that way. There ain't nothin romantic or mysterious or glamorous bout drinkin yerself down like that. It ends up just bein pathetic and disgusting and very bad. Not a knock against you or yer friend, TEFL. I've just seen too many people who coulda had things so much better and just couldn't quite get it that it was possible. There's nothin mystical about it, though. Dyin drunk is awful, just awful. And it ain't just the physical stuff that's bad about, though if you've ever seen cyrrhosis, that's horrible enough. It's the spiritual and emotional bankruptcy that goes along with it. And it just doesn't have to be that way. Truth is, it's the ultimate in self-centeredness and selfishness, and that's what drives it and is also its chief manifestation. And it hurts everyone it touches in one way or another.

Sorry. Didn't mean to get on a soapbox. I've had similar situations (friend blew his brains out 6 months ago behind not bein able to get outta that madness), and I wouldn't judge him or you. I just think it's all so useless when life is such a wonderful adventure.

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people choose their master.

Last edited by euphorbia on 07-31-2002 at 04:38 AM

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To a point, I'd agree with you, 4B. Knowing what I know about how to not end up like TEFL's friend, I can do a few simple things, and hopefully not end up in a dumpster next week lookin for an outfit. But there's no guarantees. You can call it weakness if you like, and I wouldn't argue with you much. People will make up their own minds anyway. You can call it mental illness, and that would probably bother me more, even if it's true, just because there's a bit more power in feeling responsible for my own destruction. And nobody ever put a gun to my head and made me shoot dope or drown myself in Weller (not Dickel, mind you). But there IS an overpowering obsession of the mind that removes all power of the will once that line is crossed. The trick is to keep well shy of that line. And that, thankfully, is not as complicated as it seems. But it demands a willingness to give up long-held notions of what works and what don't in my life and a daily helping of humble pie that most people can't stomach, even when given the choice between that and a very grim alternative. Addiction may be the number one killer in the world, both directly and indirectly (through secondary disease and accidental death), and that may simply remain a sad fact. I can live with that. People die every day and there ain't much I can do about it but watch after my own ass. But I don't think I can romanticize it any more, or at least right now for some reason.

That being said, I'm all for folks drinkin and doin all the dope they want to. I've got no moral objection to it at all. And the ones who are killin themselves with it, through ignorance or as spectators to their own acknowledged compulsions, ain't gonna stop until the fear of their limited solution becomes greater than the fear of the real solution, which is so simple and yet demands such radical change. But as it's played out on a daily basis, it's really not so hard or daunting. And the rewards of the difference far outweigh the fear. Face the fear and the fear subsides. It comes back, but the power of that Black Dog lessens each time. And the intercession of Grace twixt me and an ounce of meth is easy enough to lay hold of if I only pay attention.

This thread ain't about me, and I wouldn't want it to be. But I can only speak from what I know about and have any integrity at all, really. I may very well die drunk or as a result of it. I can even live with that. Fate's a funny thing. But I do treasure the spell I'm havin at the moment, and I'll get up tomorrow and do what I can to perpetuate it. And I'll share it with anyone who asks. I easily put away a fifth of whiskey a day at times with little regard for the consequences, and many was the time I pumped 50 units or more of thick coke or meth into my arm that looked like a shot of honey and fell out on the floor, only to get up and say I shoulda done ten more as I wiped the sweat off my forehead and puke off my chin. I thought that was real livin at one time. There is a buttload of mercy somewhere laid up for me. I'm happy to share my portion in order to keep it comin. You just can't get from where I was to where I am on my power alone. I know I have been soundin like a goddamn missionary around here lately, and I don't mean to. But I don't apologize for the content, only the delivery.

People die every day, and they should. It ain't how they die that I think is so regrettable, but how they live and the lack of peace in their lives. I don't think they need to run off and find Jesus or anything like that. I leave that to the preachers. I think they desperately need to find themselves and realize that there's a little bit a God in each and every one of em that has the power to give em that peace and do it in spades. As long as I can remember that for myself, you won't see me online anymore with a bottle of rye whenever Sigmo's gone. It's been a while now since that happened, and I'm really grateful for the change.

I'll leave off now. I think yer the deal, 4B, and I hope you don't think I'm takin issue with you. It just tripped my trigger at the moment.

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quote:

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Originally posted by Mugtoe
and I hope you don't think I'm takin issue with you.

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Not at all I like the way yew talk

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taste the fucking rainbow

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some people think spiritual and emotional bankruptcy is romantic also.

and

i wonder what my master is?

i think maybe it's pointlessness. this is exhibit a.

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Well said, Mug.
I went to the quick reply when I read this and had no words. I was lost in thought about one of my closest friends who blew his brains out with a nose full of coke. I can't add anything to this that you didn't already say.

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You keep writing, Mugtoe.

Even if it's just for those of us who have been miserable in the lost time of that hazy embrace.

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quote:

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Originally posted by Buddha's Penis!
some people think spiritual and emotional bankruptcy is romantic also.

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quote:

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Originally posted by Mugtoe
I know I have been soundin like a goddamn missionary around here lately, and I don't mean to. But I don't apologize for the content, only the delivery.

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quote:

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Originally posted by euphorbia
people choose their master.

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He went by the nick JoJo sometimes, Johahn, others. He had a million nicks. Some of you probably talked with him once or twice.

Paint, they aren't to sure exactly how he passed. The law has stepped in and said he has to go to Memphis for a autopsy. From what I've heard it was drink that got him but he loved it all. Who knows?

The kicker is that I've seen the results of alcho poisoning personaly. When I was about 14 I saw the inside of a trailer near where I lived where this old man in his 60's had purposfully OD on vodka. The cops said that they found over twenty pints empty around the living room. It was a damn mess. I've drank too much myself and can't imagine dying from it.

I wasn't trying to glorify his death. It was stupid and he should have known better. But he always looked at a buzz with a almost religious zeal. To him, heaven had to have the good vibes like a extreme high or else it couldn't be very worthwhile to be there. I think he just tried to get a little too close to his personal zeal for a good time and it bit him in the ass.

I'll miss the bastard.

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Mugtoe ... You just keep going ... and I love it ... and this is about YOU ... and ME .. and many others we all know ... "There but for the GRACE of God!... Go I"

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i thought this was going to be about skapegoat

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I did some pretty horrible things when I was drinkin and doin all that other stuff. Part of stayin away from it is bein willin to say all that and take my stripes for it. I wrote up a list of all the people I fucked around one way or another and set myself to be willin to tell em I was wrong. It was amazing. Within a couple of days of makin that decision I gotta call from a guy I hadn't heard from in five years who figured high on that list. He had no way of knowing how do get ahold of me up here in MN on my cell phone. We talked for a while and I just told him that the way I acted towards him was dead wrong, and I hoped he would forgive me. But even if he didn't, I wanted him to know that I admitted the harm I'd done him and hoped to set it right. I was gratified at his willingness to put all that behind us, but it would have made little difference whether he did or not at that point. The willingness to face up to it was what made the change possible anyway. I'll be in Texas again this weekend, and I'll see him face to face. That one was easy. There have been others on the list who weren't so easy for me to do. My current employer I had to approach as well, and I was a bit clumsier about that one. But I did it anyway, and I'll take my lumps good or bad. He's one of those guys that I have to say that little prayer for occasionally in order to keep my wits when he's rubbin me the wrong way. But havin a bad boss is better than not havin a boss at all, and creatin drama in the workplace is counter-productive.

There are other people on that list who may want nothing to do with me; so be it. I'm still willing to approach them as well. The benefits of doin that are amazing in my life. There are one or two who might wanna hurt me pretty bad for the way I treated em. And a few of em who really did me wrong as well, but it ain't about what they did that keeps me oppressed in my spirit. It's about what I did to them. Those are tough for me. I bumped into a guy on the street here the other day who was another one of those people I just don't see anymore, but who came outta the woodwork after I made that list. I told him I'd be inappropriate and hadn't treated him very well while we were standin in the sidewalk with people walkin all around us. That was difficult as well, but it had to be done, and neither of us had time to go sit somewhere and talk. Most folks take it pretty well and are happy that I acknowledge that I've been an ass. Or they would rather not talk about it and tell me not to sweat it. The important thing at that point is for me to act differently toward them going forward. There are some people on the list who are dead now. I'm writin them letters tellin em how I was wrong and askin for their forgiveness.

This is stuff I've never done before. I said I was sorry a lot when I was drunk, but that was different. Usually that was just to get the heat off or rid myself of that emotional whip that was layin into me all the time. I want my life to be useful in a way besides just bein a bad example. And I want to be free of all that crap I've been carryin around on my back for so many many years.

This also means goin back and payin off all those old debts, and that'll be as hard for me as facin up to the people I embarrassed myself in front of. I've been doin the "stick'n move" bit financially all my life. Changin that is a rather daunting task for me, but I don't think I'll really find freedom or true financial stability until I do that. But the point of ALL of this is that I don't wanna end up drinkin and shootin dope again. And part of the cycle of all of that for me is that financial insanity I was into all my life.

So that's a little of what it takes to keep from endin up like yer friend and all those folks I remember who've done that bit. It's really not that complicated, but it means doin stuff I dont' wanna do. And I shouldn't pat myself on the head for doin what I shoulda been doin all my life anyhow. It ain't about that either. What I've been offerred is a good and decent way to live provided I adopt a simple but, for me, radical change in attitude. This feels a bit like spiritual exhibitionism for me sayin all this, and I don't mean it to. Part of that is the fear that someday I'll be struck drunk and this'll come up to haunt me. That's always a possibility, but it's not likely today so long as I stick with it. And part of it is also that I'm uncomfortable sayin all this out loud, cuz it removes an out that I would otherwise give myself in the future with one more group of folks who don't know the whole picture. And that's the part of me I wanna guard against - the part that likes to compartmentalize and leave myself an out. Sayin all that publicly is one way of shuttin a door to all that shit in my past so that I can only dip into it if it's useful to someone else, but not to jump in and wallow in it again myself.

It's early mornin and Sigmo's still asleep in the other room. I'm sittin here drinkin coffee and smokin cigarettes and poundin away (I hit the keys pretty hard) with the sun comin up over the skyline that's just outside our window. In a minute I'll hit the shower and get ready for work. But before I leave the house I say a little prayer I wrote a few months back, and I try to mean it every day:

"God, my life is yours to do with as you will. I place myself into your Grace and Mercy cheerfully and with thanks. Redeem my errors and grant me forgiveness so that You may receive credit and others may be blessed. Conform my will to Yours daily."

The longer I go on with this, the less it is about me not drinkin. It's become somethin different, and it's about wantin more of the different way of seein things that I've been granted. This ain't about church either; it's about havin a little sanity in my life and bein useful in some measure to the rest of the world. That's stuff I never even really knew I wanted before. There's somethin really liberatin about me havin the humility to be honest with just about anyone. So long as my life's an open book, there ain't a lot that can hurt me. Truth never really hurts anyone. But it used to scare the shit outta me, cuz I was tryin to keep so much shit goin on my own steam that anything that threatened my agendas was scary as hell. I'm still prone to do that from time to time, but it just doens't stick like it did before.

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quote:

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Originally posted by Paint CHiPs


Why did you edit one minute after Mugtoe replied?

That bothers me for some reason. I am really into this conversation. What did you say before he replied?




Anyway, how did he die TEFL?

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quote:

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Originally posted by IBeFree
Mugtoe ... You just keep going ... and I love it ... and this is about YOU ... and ME .. and many others we all know ... "There but for the GRACE of God!... Go I"

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quote:

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Originally posted by aminal


you should be locked up by the elipses police


...

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You have no idea how happy I was to see that this was not another Jeremy Sword thread, there can be only one.

I'm sorry you lost a bud, I hope he felt that he had lived completely, I hope the memories of him leave a smile on yer face, I hope he rides the clouds of freedom without a helmet, I hope I will be so fondly remembered.

nuff said, bye

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TEFL, sad story....Do you know the persons parents? Do something good and kind for them..if you have good pictures of your friend maybe make copies? I dont know, just a thought..condolences are surely in order.....It surely doesnt get much harder than to loose your child....Sorry for your loss, Kat

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quote:

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Originally posted by missphinx

People used to think that dying from tuberculosis was romantic too.

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