Private Messages Options Search Blogs Images Chat Cam Portals Calendar FAQ's Join  
Asylum Forums : Powered by vBulletin version 2.2.8 Asylum Forums > The Lost Forum > Valuable Advice
  Last Thread   Next Thread
Author
Thread [new thread]    [post reply]
Lightbulb
Blarg. I'm dead.

Registered: Jan 2001
Location:
Posts: 1163

Valuable Advice

From the US Army Survival Manual, but with one word replaced throughout.

Strangely, it makes a great deal of sense.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. But it makes me laugh.

----
Universal Edibility Test

There are many cunts throughout the world. Tasting or swallowing even a small portion of some can cause severe discomfort, extreme internal disorders, and even death. Therefore, if you have the slightest doubt about a cunt's edibility, apply the Universal Edibility Test before eating any portion of it.

1. Test only one part of a potential cunt at a time.
2. Break the cunt into its basic components--leaves, stems, roots, buds, and flowers
3. Smell the cunt for strong or acid odors. Keep in mind that smell alone does not indicate a cunt is edible.
4. Do not eat for 8 hours before starting the test.
5. During the 8 hours you are abstaining from eating, test for contact poisoning by placing a piece of the cunt you are testing on the inside of your elbow or wrist. Usually 15 minutes is enough time to allow for a reaction.
6. During the test period, take nothing by mouth except purified water and the cunt part being tested.
7. Select a small portion of a single component and prepare it the way you plan to eat it.
8. Before putting the prepared cunt part in your mouth, touch a small portion (a pinch) to the outer surface of the lip to test for burning or itching.
9. If after 3 minutes there is no reaction on your lip, place the cunt part on your tongue, holding it there for 15 minutes.
10. If there is no reaction, thoroughly chew a pinch and hold it in your mouth for 15 minutes. DO NOT SWALLOW.
11. If no burning, itching, numbing, stinging, or other irritation occurs during the 15 minutes, swallow.
12. Wait 8 hours. If any ill effects occur during this period, induce vomiting and drink a lot of water.
13. If no ill effects occur, eat 1/2 cup of the same cunt part prepared the same way. Wait another 8 hours. If no ill effects occur, the cunt part as prepared is safe for eating.


CAUTION: Test all parts of the cunt of edibility, as some cunts have both edible and inedible parts. Do not assume that a part proved edible when cooked is also edible when raw. Test the part raw to ensure edibility before eating raw.

Before testing a cunt for edibility, make sure there are enough cunts to make the testing worth your time and effort. Each part of a cunt (roots, leaves, flowers, and so on) requires more than 24 hours to test. Do not waste time testing a cunt that is not relatively abundant in the area.

Remember, eating large portions of cunt on an empty stomach may cause diarrhea, nausea, or cramps. Two good examples of this are such familiar foods as green apples and wild onions. Even after testing cunt and finding it safe, eat it in moderation.

You can see from the steps and time involved in testing for edibility just how important it is to be able to identify edible cunts.

To avoid potentially poisonous cunts, stay away from any wild or unknown cunts that have--

* Milky or discolored sap.
* Beans, bulbs, or seeds inside pods.
* Bitter or soapy taste.
* Spines, fine hairs, or thorns.
* Dill, carrot, parsnip, or parsleylike foliage.
* "Almond" scent in woody parts and leaves.
* Grain heads with pink, purplish, or black spurs.
* Three-leaved growth pattern.

Using the above criteria as eliminators when choosing cunts for the Universal Edibility Test will cause you to avoid some edible cunts. More important, these criteria will often help you avoid cunts that are potentially toxic to eat or touch.

An entire encyclopedia of edible wild cunts could be written, but space limits the number of cunts presented here. Learn as much as possible about the cunt life of the areas where you train regularly and where you expect to be traveling or working. Listed below and later in this chapter are some of the most common edible and medicinal cunts.

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Old Post 07-31-2002 09:17 PM
Lightbulb is offline Click Here to See the Profile for Lightbulb Find more posts by Lightbulb Add Lightbulb to your buddy list [P] Edit/Delete Message Reply w/Quote
Mordecai
destractivegodofdarkness

Registered: Jan 2001
Location: library
Posts: 19562

If I was Becky, I'd tear my eyes out.

-m

__________________
Exercise caution when the drug enforcement agent gets breast enhancement surgery

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Old Post 08-01-2002 06:41 AM
Mordecai is offline Click Here to See the Profile for Mordecai Click here to Send Mordecai a Private Message Visit Mordecai's homepage! Find more posts by Mordecai Add Mordecai to your buddy list [P] Edit/Delete Message Reply w/Quote
CzEcH rEcK
circle of duck

Registered: Jul 2000
Location: London
Posts: 3008

That post has exactly 30 cunts in it... Sounds kind of like talking to an australian.

__________________
True bravery is arriving home late after a night out on the beer, being
assaulted by your wife with a broom, and still having the guts to ask:
"So are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Old Post 08-01-2002 12:57 PM
CzEcH rEcK is offline Click Here to See the Profile for CzEcH rEcK Click here to Send CzEcH rEcK a Private Message Visit CzEcH rEcK's homepage! Find more posts by CzEcH rEcK Add CzEcH rEcK to your buddy list [P] Edit/Delete Message Reply w/Quote
A.D.H.D
¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯

Registered: Jan 2001
Location: Van Diemen's Land.
Posts: 3607

you have no idea, how badly I want to call you a fucking cunt right now, but I will restrain myself

__________________
gay for mugtoe

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Old Post 08-01-2002 01:32 PM
A.D.H.D is offline Click Here to See the Profile for A.D.H.D Click here to Send A.D.H.D a Private Message Find more posts by A.D.H.D Add A.D.H.D to your buddy list [P] Edit/Delete Message Reply w/Quote
Lightbulb
Blarg. I'm dead.

Registered: Jan 2001
Location:
Posts: 1163

It would have been worse had he said 'like talking to 30 Australians'.

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Old Post 08-01-2002 01:45 PM
Lightbulb is offline Click Here to See the Profile for Lightbulb Find more posts by Lightbulb Add Lightbulb to your buddy list [P] Edit/Delete Message Reply w/Quote
CzEcH rEcK
circle of duck

Registered: Jul 2000
Location: London
Posts: 3008

quote:
Originally posted by A.D.H.D
you have no idea, how badly I want to call you a fucking cunt right now, but I will restrain myself


I admire you're restraint, but you still managed to do it. Great stuff.

I can feel you're love for me.

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Old Post 08-01-2002 02:13 PM
CzEcH rEcK is offline Click Here to See the Profile for CzEcH rEcK Click here to Send CzEcH rEcK a Private Message Visit CzEcH rEcK's homepage! Find more posts by CzEcH rEcK Add CzEcH rEcK to your buddy list [P] Edit/Delete Message Reply w/Quote
Dog Breath
Cuddly Puppy

Registered: Jan 2001
Location: California
Posts: 4252

quote:
10. If there is no reaction, thoroughly chew a pinch and hold it in your mouth for 15 minutes. DO NOT SWALLOW.



That's the part they like the most. It helps if you swish it around a bit.

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Old Post 08-01-2002 02:53 PM
Dog Breath is offline Click Here to See the Profile for Dog Breath Click here to Send Dog Breath a Private Message Find more posts by Dog Breath Add Dog Breath to your buddy list [P] Edit/Delete Message Reply w/Quote
Goatboy
the anticlimax

Registered: Jul 2000
Location: A New England
Posts: 9166

To avoid potentially poisonous cunts, stay away from any wild or unknown cunts that have--

* Milky or discolored sap.
* Beans, bulbs, or seeds inside pods.
* Bitter or soapy taste.
* Spines, fine hairs, or thorns.
* Dill, carrot, parsnip, or parsleylike foliage.
* "Almond" scent in woody parts and leaves.
* Grain heads with pink, purplish, or black spurs.
* Three-leaved growth pattern.


Sweet Lord.

__________________
Arbeit Macht Frei

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Old Post 08-01-2002 02:57 PM
Goatboy is offline Click Here to See the Profile for Goatboy Click here to Send Goatboy a Private Message Find more posts by Goatboy Add Goatboy to your buddy list [P] Edit/Delete Message Reply w/Quote
squee
the amen break

Registered: Jul 2001
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 4678

They don't teach you this kind of shit in Navy boot camp.

Instead their advice is "If you eat it fast enough, you're done and you never have to taste it."

Tally ho! At 'em, boys!

__________________
What does polite society know of the secret hearts of men?
What shows the shuttered window but all the evil you can imagine?

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Old Post 08-01-2002 07:27 PM
squee is offline Click Here to See the Profile for squee Click here to Send squee a Private Message Find more posts by squee Add squee to your buddy list [P] Edit/Delete Message Reply w/Quote
zornkugel
Absentee

Registered: Jul 2002
Location: Chelmsford, MA
Posts: 548

So wrong, yet so damn funny.

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Old Post 08-01-2002 07:42 PM
zornkugel is offline Click Here to See the Profile for zornkugel Click here to Send zornkugel a Private Message Find more posts by zornkugel Add zornkugel to your buddy list [P] Edit/Delete Message Reply w/Quote
A.D.H.D
¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯

Registered: Jan 2001
Location: Van Diemen's Land.
Posts: 3607

quote:
Originally posted by CzEcH rEcK


I admire you're restraint, but you still managed to do it. Great stuff.



ya think?

and it's your* you fucking cunt

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Old Post 08-05-2002 11:41 AM
A.D.H.D is offline Click Here to See the Profile for A.D.H.D Click here to Send A.D.H.D a Private Message Find more posts by A.D.H.D Add A.D.H.D to your buddy list [P] Edit/Delete Message Reply w/Quote
FuhQall
High Flyer

Registered: Apr 2002
Location: At Home
Posts: 4056

I found that lot highly entertaining

__________________
Shit, Motherfucker, Fuck, Shit!

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Old Post 08-05-2002 11:47 AM
FuhQall is offline Click Here to See the Profile for FuhQall Click here to Send FuhQall a Private Message Find more posts by FuhQall Add FuhQall to your buddy list [P] Edit/Delete Message Reply w/Quote
CzEcH rEcK
circle of duck

Registered: Jul 2000
Location: London
Posts: 3008

quote:
Originally posted by A.D.H.D


ya think?

and it's your* you fucking cunt



Cunt's are useful, you however are Australian, Now go get a blow job off a Taipan.

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Old Post 08-05-2002 11:53 AM
CzEcH rEcK is offline Click Here to See the Profile for CzEcH rEcK Click here to Send CzEcH rEcK a Private Message Visit CzEcH rEcK's homepage! Find more posts by CzEcH rEcK Add CzEcH rEcK to your buddy list [P] Edit/Delete Message Reply w/Quote
A.D.H.D
¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯

Registered: Jan 2001
Location: Van Diemen's Land.
Posts: 3607

why would I want my dick bitten by a snake?

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Old Post 08-05-2002 12:14 PM
A.D.H.D is offline Click Here to See the Profile for A.D.H.D Click here to Send A.D.H.D a Private Message Find more posts by A.D.H.D Add A.D.H.D to your buddy list [P] Edit/Delete Message Reply w/Quote
FuhQall
High Flyer

Registered: Apr 2002
Location: At Home
Posts: 4056

quote:
Originally posted by CzEcH rEcK


Cunt's are useful, you however are Australian, Now go get a blow job off a Taipan.

Ah yes, but half a cunt is of no use to man nor beast...

- measure twice, cunt once...

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Old Post 08-05-2002 01:15 PM
FuhQall is offline Click Here to See the Profile for FuhQall Click here to Send FuhQall a Private Message Find more posts by FuhQall Add FuhQall to your buddy list [P] Edit/Delete Message Reply w/Quote
CzEcH rEcK
circle of duck

Registered: Jul 2000
Location: London
Posts: 3008

quote:
Originally posted by A.D.H.D
why would I want my dick bitten by a snake?


Jebus.. Please never have any children.

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Old Post 08-05-2002 03:03 PM
CzEcH rEcK is offline Click Here to See the Profile for CzEcH rEcK Click here to Send CzEcH rEcK a Private Message Visit CzEcH rEcK's homepage! Find more posts by CzEcH rEcK Add CzEcH rEcK to your buddy list [P] Edit/Delete Message Reply w/Quote
All times are GMT. The time now is 05:57 AM. Post New Thread    Post A Reply
  Last Thread   Next Thread
Show Printable Version | Email this Page | Subscribe to this Thread

Forum Jump:
 

Forum Rules:
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
HTML code is ON
vB code is ON
Smilies are ON
[IMG] code is ON
 

< Contact Us - The Asylum >

Powered by: vBulletin Version 3.0.6
Copyright ©2000 - 2002, Jelsoft Enterprises Limited.
Copyright © 2000- Imaginet Inc.
[Legal Notice] | [Privacy Policy] | [Site Index]