godforsaken survival kit

Asylum Forums : Powered by vBulletin version 2.2.8

Asylum Forums > The Lost Forum > godforsaken survival kit

Last Thread Next Thread

Author

Thread

WastedPotential
sociotard

Registered: Aug 2000
Location: the heart of an awl
Posts: 3691

godforsaken survival kit

For the last few months I've been getting these forwarded evangelist messages from a girl I went to high school with. I have no idea how she got my email address, but she did, so I have to put up with shit like this in my inbox once or twice a week:

quote:
Daily survival kit

Items Needed:
1) Toothpick
2) Rubber Band
3) Band Aid
4) Pencil
5) Eraser
6) Chewing Gum
7) Mint
8) Candy Kiss
9) Tea Bag

Why???
1) TOOTHPICK - to remind you to pick out the good qualities in
others. Matt. 7:1

2) RUBBER BAND - to remind you to be flexible,> things might not
always go the way you want, but it will work out. Romans 8:28

3) BAND AID - to remind you to heal hurt feelings, yours or someone
else's Col. 3:12-14

4) PENCIL - to remind you to list your blessings everyday. Eph.1:3

5) ERASER - To remind you that everyone makes mistakes, and it's OK.
Gen.50:15-21

6) CHEWING GUM - to remind you to stick with it and you can
accomplish anything. Phil 4:13

7) MINT - to remind you that you are worth a mint! John 3:16-17

8) CANDY KISS - to remind you that everyone needs a kiss or a hug
everyday. 1 John 4:7

9) TEA BAG - to remind you to relax daily and go over that list of
blessings. 1 Thess 5:18

But thanks to the magical decoding effects of strong beer, I think I know the real reasons why:

1) Toothpick - break it in half and use it to prop up your eyelids when being sermonized to by yet another evangelist.
2) Rubber Band - to bundle up the fat stack of cash you're going to tithe to the lord.
3) Band Aid - to staunch the flow of the blood of christ. is that guy some kind of hemophiliac?
4) Pencil - to write down the sins of your neighbors. you get bonus points for that, you know.
5) Eraser - to erase contradictions and inconsistencies in the bible.
6) Chewing Gum - to get your mouth warmed up before accepting the body of christ.
7) Mint - to get the taste out of your mouth after accepting the body of christ.
8) Candy Kiss - to remind you to kiss up to the clergy, else they will turn you in.
9) Tea Bag - because you just never know when you're going to be in need a good teabagging.

man, I promised myself that I woudl respect other's faith years ago, but she comes right into my house and spews this stuff.

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

10-05-2000 07:29 AM

Click here to Send WastedPotential a Private Message

[P]

Goatboy
the anticlimax

Registered: Jul 2000
Location: A New England
Posts: 9166

I don't like to mock other peoples foolish beliefs, but that was pretty funny.

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

10-05-2000 03:22 PM

Click here to Send Goatboy a Private Message

[P]

amerikanjunkie
various one

Registered: Aug 2000
Location:
Posts: 1725

/me shakes head in disappointment.

Nothing foolish about having a belief in something. There is nothing wrong with moral religion. Now conforming to the organized aspect, that can SOMETIMES be a different story.

Thus, I thought it was good.

------------------

amerikanjunkie.net

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

10-05-2000 03:25 PM

Click here to Send amerikanjunkie a Private Message

[P]

amerikanjunkie
various one

Registered: Aug 2000
Location:
Posts: 1725

quote:
Originally posted by WastedPotential:
5) Eraser - to erase contradictions and inconsistencies in the bible.

Have you ever read the Bible? All the way through?

I have, 8 times. (I tripped acid way too much, and for awhile I went paranoid skitzo, and all I did was read, and shame myself).

The only contradictions are when you compare the New Testement, to the Old Testement, which in itself is a contradiction. And if you have taken theology classes you know one was meant for the hebrews, and the jewish, and the new for Current Christians, which when comparing, of course your going to have "inconsistantcies, and contradictions", why? Cause they werent ment to be compared.

They are 2 seperate books.

------------------

amerikanjunkie.net

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

10-05-2000 03:34 PM

[P]

Goatboy
the anticlimax

Registered: Jul 2000
Location: A New England
Posts: 9166

Cheers for clearing that up, Aj.

I've always wondered.

Why though, are excerpts still read from both books in church?

More importantly, if the old testament pertains to Jews, why is it still part of the Christian Bible?

Just curious.

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

10-05-2000 04:37 PM

[P]

Spooky
twisty turny thing

Registered: Jul 2000
Location:
Posts: 7236

Can I have this persons email address...please please please please please.

------------------
sp00ky
---------------------------
'Those who feel the breath of sadness sit down next to me. Those who feel they're touched by madness sit down next to me. Those who find themselves ridiculous sit down next to. In love and fear and hate and tears, sit down next to me.

[This message has been edited by Spooky (edited 10-05-2000).]

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

10-05-2000 04:52 PM

Click here to Send Spooky a Private Message

[P]

WastedPotential
sociotard

Registered: Aug 2000
Location: the heart of an awl
Posts: 3691

quote:
Originally posted by amerikanjunkie:
Have you ever read the Bible? All the way through?

I'll admit, I haven't read the whole thing, cover to cover. I've read most of the old testament, and the beginning and end of the new one. And it was years ago, so maybe I should go over some of it again. But I have so many other books waiting.

When I think of inconsistencies in the bible, I think of how many times it's been translated and edited by committees of religious leaders. One example that springs to mind is the quote about the meek inheriting the earth. In the original untranslated version, "meek" meant "disciplined." I don't remember the etymology exactly, but it has something to do with "meek" meaning to steer a horse or something, and the really well disciplined horses would meek real well, and the word became a synonym for discipline.

Thing is, my stepmom told me this story. She has a doctorate in divinity. She had to read the bible in greek and latin somewhere along the line of her eight years of religious studies. What gets me, though, is that she knows this, she understands what it really means, but she'll still go and tell her congregation that it means they should kkep their mouths shut, suck it up, and await their rewards in heaven. I try not to be so cynical about religion, but sometimes it's just so easy.

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

10-05-2000 04:52 PM

[P]

Spooky
twisty turny thing

Registered: Jul 2000
Location:
Posts: 7236

My favourite bit of the Old Testament...ommitted by the Church and taken from the Dead Sea Scrolls.

The Book of Enoch (One of the four patriachs)

Chapter 6 Verses 1-3

And it came to pass when the children of men had multiplied that in those days were born unto them beautiful and comely daughters. And the angels, the children of the heaven, saw and lusted after them, and said to one another: 'Come, let us choose us wives from among the children of men and beget us children.'

hmmmmm...dodgy stuff..no wonder they left it out and airbrushed Enoch to a bit part huh?

------------------
sp00ky
---------------------------
'Those who feel the breath of sadness sit down next to me. Those who feel they're touched by madness sit down next to me. Those who find themselves ridiculous sit down next to. In love and fear and hate and tears, sit down next to me.

[This message has been edited by Spooky (edited 10-05-2000).]

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

10-05-2000 04:56 PM

[P]

quins
Is it 2008 yet?

Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Chicago
Posts: 1170

*starts punching himself*

------------------
Hard to believe I beat out 1,000,000 other sperm isn't it?

I've got more flame than an empty lighter.

Sp00ky owns me.

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

10-05-2000 05:28 PM

Click here to Send quins a Private Message

[P]

amerikanjunkie
various one

Registered: Aug 2000
Location:
Posts: 1725

quote:
Originally posted by Goatboy:
Cheers for clearing that up, Aj.
Why though, are excerpts still read from both books in church?

1)Because as I said, SOMETIME organized religion sucks.

2)Because the new testement is more forgiving, instead of damning, so I SUPPOSE (meaning, Im not for sure), that they kept it there as a learning experience, and just because.

I do know however for a fact, that the old testement is meant for the jewish/hebrew (thus eye for an eye), and in the new testement its, forgive and forget.

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

10-05-2000 05:41 PM

[P]

All times are GMT. The time now is 07:24 PM.

Last Thread Next Thread

Show Printable Version |

Email this Page |

Subscribe to this Thread

Forum Jump:

Forum Rules:

You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

HTML code is ON
vB code is ON
Smilies are ON
[IMG] code is ON

< Contact Us - The Asylum >