JoeyCat
Felis Dominatus
Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Delaware
Posts: 5704 |
 Letter to the IRS
Dear Sirs:
I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three
dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return. Thank you. I have
questioned whether or not these are my children for years. They are evil
and expensive. It's only fair that, since they are minors and no longer my
responsibility, the government should know something about them and what to
expect over the next year. Please do not try to
reassign them to me next year and reinstate the deduction. They are yours!
The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest you
put her to work in your office where she can answer people's questions about
their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed to
hamper her mastery of any subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze.
Next year she is going to college. I think it's wonderful that you will now
be responsible for that little expense. While you mull that over, keep in
mind that she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment, so you have the
choice of appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle,
or getting up early to drive her to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend.
Oh joy! While she possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged
mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of
abstinence, or in the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is
always uncomfortable, and I am quite relieved you will be handling this in
the future.
Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a
little closer together than those of normal people. He may be a tax
examiner himself one day, if he is not incarcerated first. In February, I
was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing
Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. In the future, would you
like him delivered to the local IRS office, or to Ogden, UT? Kids at 14
will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye,
temporary dye, what's the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have
plenty of time, as he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating
a food fight in the cafeteria. I'll take care of filing your phone number
with the vice-principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging
hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more
peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave him or his friends
unsupervised with girls, explosives, flammables, inflammables, vehicles, or
telephones. (They find telephones a source of unimaginable amusement. Be
sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!)
Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared as if by
magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She
came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads,
sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you will be
raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses.
"Hooked On Phonics" is expensive, so the schools dropped it. But here's the
good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction
that you are denying me! It's quite obvious that we were terrible parents
(ask the other two). She cannot speak English. Most people under twenty
understand curious patois she fashioned out of; valley girls/boys in the
good/gae/ yuppie/political double speak. The school sends her to a speech
pathologist who has her roll her r's. It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish
touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, baggypants, and wants one of
her ears pierced four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that
worries me, but I am sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck when you
come to get her, she sort of "nests" in her room and I think that it would
be easier to move the entire thing than find out what it is really made of.
You denied two of the three exemptions, so it is only fair that you get to
pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest two, I
will still go bankrupt with Kristen's college, but then I am free! If you
take the two oldest, then I still have time for counseling before Heather
becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls, then I won't feel so bad
about putting Patrick in a military academy. Please let me know of your
decision as soon as possible, as I have already increased the withholding on
my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and made a down payment on an
airplane.
Yours truly,Bob
(Note: The IRS allowed the deductions and reinstated his refund.)
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10-05-2000 05:00 PM
