Registered: Aug 2000
Location: Cnafilornia
Posts: 405

October 8

I wish, so very much, that I could remember what it feels like to be loved.

Another year, and only the palest ghosts of distant memory are left to call me into dream.

I've wanted, for so long, to convince myself that there might be even one place in this world that I belong. One heart that could want to hold me.

So many years have gone by, and I still have the heart of a little boy beating within my breast. All the youthful passions, all the yearning for the innocence of young, unsullied love. I crave it yet because it was ripped from my grasp before I ever had truly shared the grace of knowing it.

The nights can be long here. Flaxen haired ghosts that share my pillow and whisper my name in the absolute coldness of dark. Sometimes I wake to the sensation of breath upon my neck, or a single, icy finger tracing the contour of my spine. How much of it is dream and how much simple madness, I do not know.

I've lived a long, hard life, and sometimes I'm convinced that I've made all of the wrong choices. Still, I love so much of this world that has chosen to reject me and despoil all that I have ever held dear. I forgive this place it's transgressions against me.

If only I could forgive myself.

Had I a soul, I would gladly sell it for a chance at redemption. To find one person strong enough (who cares enough) to hear it all and share the burden of it. For, you cannot truly love someone unless you truly know them. Is this not the truth? If I could find her, I would hand her the sword and let her lance it to the bone, the cold black mass of it spilling out onto the earth before us.

Eight years long, Ms. Maria Gradic, and you are still a child in my heart. Happy birthday, Angel.

redguard@blackvault.com

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Registered: Sep 2000
Location: NC/USA
Posts: 558

Man...

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Registered: Aug 2000
Location: Nanaimo, BC
Posts: 1122

Redguard, your writing is always moving.
I know what it's like to feel unloved as well.

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He had a lot to say. He had a lot of nothing to say.

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Registered: Sep 2000
Location: NC/USA
Posts: 558

Redguard is one of the few BB posters who's posts are over 2 paragraphs and I will still read.

It really doesn't matter if it is a completely alien topic to me (political science) or something I have been able to relate to before (like this thread)

Red has a way of sculpting words into a beautiful end result much more impressive than the sum of it's parts.

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Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Denver
Posts: 1277

Redguard, once again, you've summed up my own thoughts far better than I can myself. Thank you. I thought I had it, then I watched it slip between my fingers. So here I am, alone again. C'est la vie, I suppose. Perhaps, one day, I shall be graced with another true love. In the meantime, my existence searches for purpose.

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3030303

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Registered: Aug 2000
Location: Nanaimo, BC
Posts: 1122

Agreed. I think it's as much his attitude and wisdom, as the way he sculpts his words.

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Registered: Sep 2000
Location: NC/USA
Posts: 558

Agreed

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Registered: Jul 2000
Location: sydney
Posts: 2202

i hope you can turn that situation from blues into rock.


this is no joke.

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Registered: Jul 2000
Location: NH
Posts: 6081

quote:

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Originally posted by redguard:

Flaxen haired ghosts that share my pillow and whisper my name

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Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Sydney
Posts: 2570

Namaste JJ.
Get the ICQ going.

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Registered: Jul 2000
Location: NH
Posts: 6081

absolut, you realize you get me all excited.

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Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Delaware
Posts: 5704

quote:

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Originally posted by Dead_Inside:
Mine is named Kim. I dont like being broken.

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Registered: Jul 2000
Location: A New England
Posts: 9166

Maybe it's wrong of me to hate all women for my loss, for what I no longer have.

It just feels so right though.

Hags, one and all.

(Except you Joey, and Sphinx. That would be like insulting my mother)

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Si hoc legere scis numium eruditionis habes.

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Registered: Jul 2000
Location: NH
Posts: 6081

I want goat's attitude.

And Joey, if I could, I would.

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Registered: Jul 2000
Location:
Posts: 5526

redguard.

I had a psychic reading once. I was told my heart was shattered. And that the pieces floated about me, little broken shards.

I think maybe I've claimed the pieces back for myself, gathered them in some manner, and stuffed them haphazardly back where they belong. But it sure doesn't seem like there will ever be a way I can trust that I'll hold someone's love there.

Maybe. Maybe. Maybe I can just let go of that fear and trust that love is there, somewhere. Maybe I can let go of the illusion that love has to be special, all or nothing. Maybe I already have.

Maybe it doesn't matter, really.

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Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Sedona, Arizona
Posts: 18823

If you would care for words from one who has traveled for far longer than you...

I smile to read of your loss.
That was not meant to be cruel for the mere fact that you have loved at all is a testament to your being. You have been shaped and refined by that love.
And yet you are burdened by it. It is a worthy weight to carry as odd as that seems.
There is a hole in your soul now and it will serve you well. For it is a vessel, just as a potter takes a ball of clay and presses a hole to make a pot, you have been caressed and polished and shaped into a vessel for a purpose that is no more clear to you than the artist's vision of the final destination of his work.
I have been where you are. I feel your bleek vision and see over your shoulder at that blurry joy that has faded to a dull ache yet never leaves.
Your hole will fill, of that I have no doubt. You cannot waste your time seeking it and must understand that your time is not running out. You have a long time and will have a long time to love.
I do not believe that you have a soul mate. I believe you make them. You needn't fear that you have lost that soul mate or that you have missed meeting her, you haven't.
She is yet to be, that's all.
And when she comes, she will fill that hole, that polished cradle that you have for her. Your lost love has made you into the perfect vessel as you now know what it means to love.
And she will be the perfect vessel for you, as she will have been down the same path and will know what it means to love.
I know this as I am where you will be.
I hope you believe me.

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Registered: Aug 2000
Location: b0ulder
Posts: 5126

will you be my dad?

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Registered: Jul 2000
Location: industrialand
Posts: 658

quote:

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Originally posted by Hedonism:
He had a lot to say. He had a lot of nothing to say.

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Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Canton, Illinois
Posts: 921

redguard,

I wish I could hug you, a really big long hug, and then maybe you'd feel a bit of happiness in this shitty world.

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Kick ass, whitey!

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Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Oregon. America.
Posts: 2076

Be still…

Be still.

So much. Too much…

Overbear…

Feted, sour and broken thoughts plow through my disarmed neutrality, interrupting inspired artistic pause with forced belligerence and rancor.

…unwelcome…

“Guests paw through a series of papers. Poems dated from sometime in the early eighties. They pick them up, and guffaw at my nostalgic pentameter…

…It always makes me cry.” – Nobody.

…loss.

I buried myself. I am buried to the chin. I chose to bury myself all of the way up to my chin.

In dirt?

In my own shit. It took me months to “make” this much, but here I am stranded and alone. Near suffocation…

I buried myself.

I am hardly breathing at all because my chest is being forced into its own rigid cast as the shit, my shit, solidifies.

I am buried to the chin.

If someone had plunged me into this human fecal mound than perhaps I would have a legitimate reason to complain… If only my compost heap tomb had been programmed by someone else’s diabolical intent… I would have room to complain.

However, I chose to bury myself all of the way up to my chin.

And this is not the first time.

And it is unlikely to be the last, because regardless of how I move to change, the world is still a very dull and unoriginal place.

Masochistic recreation collapses my boredom, despite the unhealthy effects.

**************

Mr. Wonderaz, in lieu of others, thank you for your words. Although I disagree with some of the implied meaning, they were beautiful and well placed.

Mr. Redguard, I respect you a great deal and this electronic union does our mutual understanding little justice. I have little advice to give, save the above poetic verbal obfuscation…

…and my selfish appreciation. Your writing is a gift.

I do hope that my banter is reciprocate enough.

Wilson.

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