Registered: Jul 2000
Location: my mother's bloody womb
Posts: 7148

so black friday has come and gone. finally. the retail holy day was celebrated in my neck of the woods with much fervor and enthusiasm by all. well, not by all. there were a few dissenters, but i smote them mightily. here is my tale.


i decided to be the cool, lead-by-example-type manager and show up for work an hour early. the mall is filled to bursting capacity, with cars circling like wee orbiting satellites waiting to crash headfirst into the next available parking spot. i circle the parking lot a mere eleven times before descending upon a prime strip of parking real estate, just seven or eight hundred yards away from the front door. what a find!

in the ten minutes it takes me to walk from my car to the mall entrance, i pass twenty seven empty parking spaces.

bitches.

i make my way through the teaming masses and hit the doorway to my store. the place is jumping, but not too crowded, the perfect shopping atmosphere. i drop off my stuff in the back room and proceed to wander aimlessly through the aisles, basically looking for anything that will give me an excuse to yell at someone. gimme a break- i have to get off on a powertrip somehow.

i'm cruising the gift aisle when i overhear the following snippets of conversation from a group of four angst-ridden pubescents:

"oh yeah. look at this stupid plastic bracelet. it's like, supposed to look like barbwire. oh, i'm a cool kid, lemme buy this and wear it and be cool."

"yeah, how stupid. do they really think people like that shit? fucking stupid. oh, lookit this- i'm gonna be hardcore punk and wear this manufactured shit right here. goddamnit. fucking plastic punks."

"hehe, yeah. makes me sick."

lemme interrupt the narrative for a moment to give you some insight on my usual response to these predictable, almost cliche reactions to merchandise in my store. in case you don't know, i work at a music oriented teenage fashion retail chain. no one- not me, my staff, or the company, has ever to my knowledge tried to sell it as something it's not. my usual response to such idiocy is..." um...we're in the mall. what did you expect?" i could go on, but let's get back to the action!

my curiousity peaked, i wander closer to the group. their reactions to the merchandise start to get louder and more obnoxious, which is starting to have an effect on the customers in the aisle. mind you, i'm not wearing my name tag or anything that refers to the store, so i'm acting as my own agent at this point.

"hey," i say, just as another boy in the group decides to crow loudly about how gay and stupid something else is, "it doesn't seem like you guys are very happy here." one of the group turns to look at me. he's about a foot taller than me, with a ratty army surplus jacket on and a scruffy patch of hair on his chin. it looks like someone shaved his pubes in the middle of the night and stuck them on his face with superglue. it actually occurs to me to ask him if this is the case when he responds. "yeah, this place is so stupid. it's just a corporate store selling out to the masses. look at this shit. it's all fucked." his friends quickly chime in with their hearty agreement, so i ask him "uh...if you don't like anything, why don't you just leave and let people shop then, fucker?"

his mouth makes a giant "o" before he can recover. "stupid bitch," his rat-faced friend responds, before he turns to the door. they all start working their way towards the entrance, throwing expletives over their shoulders as they go. i grab the nearest sales associate and start laughing "oh my god!! they're...calling me names!! what am i going to do now?"

at this point, they're almost to the doorway and most of the store is staring at them due to their newfound tourette's condition. i follow them to the entrance to ensure that they don't suddenly change their minds and come back in to buy a good charlotte shirt before they go. then suddenly, the lone girl of the group spins around and knocks over the sale sign that sits in a plastic holder midway in the doorway. it falls right in front of me. three more feet and they would have been out of my life forever.

it's on now.



(to be continued)

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Registered: Nov 2001
Location: on the move
Posts: 1266

how can you do this to me!?

to be continued?

what the hell is going on here? .. you post something that actually keeps my interest going for more that a few seconds and then you stop the story just when it really starts to get interesting?

a cliff-hanger at the asylum?

where's the slot to put more quarters in?

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Bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't play games. They fucking charge your ass.

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Registered: Jul 2000
Location: zanzibar
Posts: 10477

haha. The music oriented teenage fashion retail chain store near me has three narrow aisles that narrow to two at the register and back to three when you pass it. I really couldn't imagine being in it very long with more than 10 people in the store. For some reason the surf/skate oriented teenage fashion retail chain seems much larger on the inside. Maybe it actually is, I don't know.

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Registered: Jul 2000
Location: my mother's bloody womb
Posts: 7148

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Registered: Feb 2001
Location: ...The Basement. Duh.
Posts: 442

Those people sound like I do whenever I go into your store too, except I don't say it out loud, and I don't expect people to care what I think. The most I usually say is that its hot in here. Because it is. That store is tiny, and theres always alot of people in it. God damned body heat.

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Registered: May 2003
Location: N. Texas
Posts: 3463

You should have picked up some large made for the masses piece of junk and broke it over his head.

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Registered: Nov 2001
Location: on the move
Posts: 1266

no really .. finish the god damned story.

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Registered: Oct 2001
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yeah, goddammit

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Registered: Jul 2000
Location: zanzibar
Posts: 10477

Holy shit, rustle up the sig posse, we got a hot one.

edit: i am typing like I am drunk, yet I am not. Perhaps I have had a stroke.

Last edited by DevilMoon on 11-29-2003 at 08:00 AM

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Registered: Apr 2003
Location: I cant say I buy this completely,
Posts: 2538

to be continued is only to be used for season finalies. It is not to be exploited in this fashion you capitalist pig dog.

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Registered: Dec 2002
Location:
Posts: 2573

Finish the fuckin story bitch. Fuckin marketing corporate stratagies its so gay and stupid... uhhhhhhhhhhh I HATE YOU!
(americans may not recognise the quote)

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Registered: Jul 2000
Location: seattle-ish
Posts: 11406

finish the story, meanie.

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Registered: Dec 2002
Location:
Posts: 16295

The story is finished. When the kid knocked the sign over, morgana jumped back into the aisle and flinched away from him, shrilling, "Get out of here now or I'll call security!"

The kids walked away laughing.

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Registered: Aug 2000
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 15130

You know, I think Uncle Jason's writing style is starting to rub off on you. Not really as funny as his, but it's still good at keeping my attention.

So finish soon, please.

(And when are you gonna update Uncle Jason's page, dammit?!)

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Registered: Feb 2001
Location: Boston
Posts: 6971

Yeah, show us your tits already.

I mean, finish the story. Did you use chokers as brass knuckles and whoop their asses, or did you just throw Good Charlotte t-shirts at them (that would make me run in fear).

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Registered: Jul 2000
Location: zanzibar
Posts: 10477

She was able to wrestle one into the back, poured Manic Panic in his eyes and punched him in the balls with a studded bracelet.

Thats my guess.

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Registered: Jul 2000
Location: my mother's bloody womb
Posts: 7148

gosh guys. can't a girl get some beauty sleep?


part the second:

let's depart from our narrative for a moment to reflect on the situation: here i am, coming in to work an hour early, harassing the customers, and getting all upset when they get a little out of hand. let me assure you that nothing could be further from the truth. i wasn't upset with them in the least- it's not like i haven't heard the same from fifty other kids before. it was just something to do while i waited to clock in, and they upped the ante by doing something that i could actually get them busted for.

does that make me a bad person?

so...kids with obnoxious attitudes who think they can get away with acting however they want? not today.

i jumped the sign holder (don't get all excited, it's only about a foot and a half wide) and started walking behind them. they started laughing and one of the boys turned around and said "oh no. you gonna cry over your stupid sign?" i just smiled at them and proceeded to follow them through the mall. the girl hunched her head down, stuck her hands in her pockets, and tried to motor through a pack of shoppers and break away from her little anarchists' club, and ultimately away from me. the shopping pack felt a disturbance in the force and bunched together while glaring at the outsider like she was trying to take the last towel in a white sale. so she tried to detour around them on the far side, next to the entrances of the stores. i started to follow when one of her friends jumped in front of me and put his arm in front of me to prevent my progress. "hey, look over there," he said, pointing wildly in the other direction with his other arm.

"what the fuck? did you just say that out loud?" i asked him. he really did say that! i put both of my hands out, one on his restraining arm and one on his chest, and used my lower center of gravity to propell him into the wall. pity for him that when he tried to just go with the flow and slide down the wall while i pinned him against it that he didn't see that huge open doorway coming.

whoops. down goes one.

(to be continued)


and stop bitching, i have to go to work sometime guys.

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Registered: Sep 2000
Location: The Bottom of the Toyem Pole
Posts: 9454

She's making it up as she goes along!

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Registered: Dec 2002
Location:
Posts: 2573

Shes... teasing me.
Its almost erotic...

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Registered: Jan 2001
Location: library
Posts: 19584

I feel like I should rant and rave and be a total cock right about here.

-m

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Registered: Apr 2003
Location: I cant say I buy this completely,
Posts: 2538

This shit is giving me blue balls...you fuckin bitch Im in pain.

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Registered: Jul 2000
Location: A New England
Posts: 9187

I hope this story ends with her getting pinned against the counter and being nailed by all of them.

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Registered: Sep 2001
Location: ........
Posts: 15003

But then suddenly I felt a strange, almost subliminal, feel of want, and before I knew it I had whipped off my leather mini and spread my legs in the air crying "have at it lads"

Last edited by skalie on 11-29-2003 at 09:06 PM

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Registered: Jul 2001
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 4688

Which store do you work at?
I only ask because there are like three or four of those teeny-bopper-angsty-music-stuff stores now.

Ah, shit, I guess it really doesn't matter.