Registered: Nov 2003
Location: .
Posts: 7951

DISASTER STRIKES ESSEX

A major earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit the east in the early hours of Wednesday 25 Feb 2004.

Epicentre: Basildon, Essex. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering "fackin 'ell!" and "whatta cant!" The earthquake decimated the area causing approximately £30.00 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from the Balearics and Spanish Costas were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived. Essex FM News reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened. One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 4 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Kilroy the next morning."

Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime did carry on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, which include benefit books, West Ham shirts, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundstretchers.

HOW CAN YOU HELP

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing, parcels for those unfortunate to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after. Items most needed include: Fila or Burberry baseball caps, Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers) Shell suits (female) White sport socks, Rockport boots and any other items usually sold in Primark. Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include, Pot Noodles, Doner Kebabs, Mackie D's, KFC, Ice cream and cans of Snake bite, Bacardi Breezer, or Special Brew. 22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms, £2.00 buys chips, savaloys and gherkins, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9. £5.00 will pay for a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected. Please do not send tents for shelter, as the arrival of posh housing will be unfair on the population of neighbouring areas of Vange, Pitsea and Laindon.

**Breaking news**

Rescue workers found a blood-spattered teenager in the rubble - 'Where are you bleeding from?' they asked - 'ROMFORD' said the girl 'But wossat got to do wiv it?'

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Registered: Apr 2004
Location: Den
Posts: 11311

You can tell a lot from the cover of this book:

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Registered: Jul 2001
Location: China
Posts: 11795

I take it Essex is like South Jersey.

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Registered: Aug 2004
Location: US of Fuckin' A!!!!
Posts: 223

if essex were a woman, it would be a whore and it would strut about going 'Nyaaaa aaa aaa" a lot.

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