Registered: Mar 2004
Location: Behind this monitor.
Posts: 6470

I'm kind of caught in a parental bind here and am looking for any suggestions. It seems Sammy got a note sent home yesterday so this morning I went and seen his teacher.

She said he's not doing as she tells him. Example. they were coloring a picture and he didn't finish. She told him he needed to finish his pic and he told her no and started playing with all the crayons. She removed them all except the one he needed and he still refused.

When they go outside to the playground, Sammy takes off and goes to the other play area or across the field to the trees to play. He has been told each time he can't do that but he refuses to listen and goes off anyway.

When they go to the bathroom break he crawls under the stalls or plays in the water in the sink. I don't get it because I don't have any problems like that here at home with him. Although yesterday he was acting up here and threw a spoon down on the floor. I told him he needs to pick it up and he told he no. I spanked his butt and told him he had to listen to me. After I had spanked him he told to stop it and he told me to leave him alone.

His teacher is fit to be tied. She don't know what else to do with him so they called a meeting to have soon and talk about it with other teachers and principal.

Sammy's in his own world kinda. He don't speak much but neither do I. He is going to speech class everyday now. I am talking more just to make him talk and open up but it doesn't always work. He is very smart but seems he has his own agenda to fulfill which isn't lining up with the schools agenda. At times I find it hard to get his undivided attention even when it is just him and I.

Now. Before anyone tells me I'm such a horrible momma *which I feel like because I have to ask everyone here their opinion* I'll have you know I do listen to advice given. I never wanted to even spank him but I know it at times is a must. I'm kinda brand new to all this child rearing and am looking for any help you other parents might be able to offer up.

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Registered: Jan 2004
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quote:

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Originally posted by T


I never wanted to even spank him but I know it at times is a must.

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Registered: Sep 2004
Location: The Bleak Shore
Posts: 21

How old is he?

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Registered: Mar 2004
Location: Behind this monitor.
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quote:

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Originally posted by Binder
How old is he?

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Registered: Aug 2004
Location: ohio
Posts: 439

STRONG-WILLED CHILD


ANOTHER SOURCE

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Registered: Aug 2004
Location: US of Fuckin' A!!!!
Posts: 223

sounds like sam is testing his boundaries and he needs to be shown just exactly where they are. Discipline starts in the home and there are times you are going to realise that your job is to be a mum not a friend... Not that this isnt what you are doing already mind.
It sounds like things have taken a bit of a toll on the boy and i suggest keeping plugging on at working on his communication skill and encouraging him to express things. Play and craft stuff helps with this. Get out and go for walks and discuss anything and everything while you do.

Sammy also has to realise that his personal agenda is only acceptable when it fits in line with the agenda of those who call the shots. He needs to learn to respect you and other adult authority figures... When you get down to it sammy desperately needs a role model. It is something kids that age yearn for and when they have them they learn so much from them. So like i said, get inside the kids head. I know he is as new to playing his new role as you are to playing yours so this is going to be a difficult time but stick with it. You two have only recently started living your lives together and as i mentioned earlier sam is going to have a lot of issues running around a mind that is going to find it difficult to assimilate and deal with them. So that is where you come in.

Dont be surprised if the school claims he has ADD. This seems to be the cure-all of our current generation of educational systems. Rather than spend time with the kid or deal with the kid they attach an ADD label and the child then spends his/her weekdays in a drug induced haze. Sure they may be quiet but you have done nothing to get to the root of the issue and have only drowned it for a while in drugs. I know kids who are on ADD medication and it screws them right up. They are unrecognisable when they are on it. Be aware of it and if they do claim ADD... Look into it in GREAT depth, study ALL the options and be very very sceptical.


In summary. Spend time with him, communicate A LOT! and be a role model. Forget your personal life for a while and sink yourself into this kid because he needs someone to give him boundaries and the concept of respect. Respect for others, the rule of law and himself.

P.S. .... dont kick your own ass too much T. your situation is very unique.

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Registered: Mar 2004
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quote:

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Originally posted by plum
I strongly disagree, but that's just me.

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Registered: Jan 2004
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When I was 4-5 I had a babysitter who spanked me probably more than you spank him, and I'm quite certain it led to emotional problems that I'm still dealing with. There's a lot of new and differing opinions on the subject. The internet is an ideal place to research that sort of thing.

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Registered: Jul 2001
Location: Disgusting den of creepitude
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I'm a bit of a hard ass myself, but a good ass whipping won't always work *it never worked for me, I was still a little shithead* however, I really can't help much. My daughter isn't even two yet so I imagine I'll be posting "HELP!" threads soon.

Children....Such a joy yet such a pain in the ass.

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Registered: Sep 2004
Location: The Bleak Shore
Posts: 21

I've got a one year old and a three year old so I haven't gotten to that age yet, but hey, something I say might help anyway. I think the first place to look is your relationship with him. That is, you say he is normally behaved around you. Does he normally listen when you tell him to do something he doesn't want to do, or is he just good most of the time and you don't find the need to discipline him much? If he isn't respecting you and listening to you, his behavior at school might well be an extension of that.

On the other hand, he might be acting out at school because he is uncomfortable in that setting. IF that's the case, chances are he needs understanding more than he needs discipline - although that's not 100% certain either. If he's unsure or scared, punishment will probably make things worse. If it's neither of those, letting him get away with it will probably lead to him acting out more.

Another thing I have noticed is frequency of discipline. That is, the more often you punish the more often you need to punish. Pick your battles before you enter them. If you are focusing on sorting out the school problem, you may not want to make an issue over a thrown spoon. Don't start a fight unless you mean to win it, and as I said, I think you want to reserve those sort of fights for the important things.

Back to the problem at hand: the teachers cannot control him. I suspect that you punishing him at home is not going to change his behavior at school - it is too far removed from the infraction. I think your best bet is to talk to him about why you had to speak to his teachers. Ask him if there is anything he enjoys about school, and anything he dislikes. You might get lucky and he'll tell you what's bothering him. Probably not, though. More likely you'll need to figure that out by reading between the lines. Investigate as much as you possibly can, and speak to him about what goes on and what he is thinking often.

In the meantime, try and solve the behavioral problems. Work slowly. Find one thing he is having a problem with (the playground thing, for example) and set up a reward system if he is able to go to school and play in the right playground.

I know it all sounds somewhat cliche, and I'm not suggesting that there is not time or place for punishment - there most certainly is.

Hope that helps a bit.

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Registered: Aug 2000
Location: b0ulder
Posts: 5130

Find him a daddy figure.

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Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 10173

My three rules of effective parenting:

1. Consistency - they need to feel safe and be able to depend on you.

2. Follow through - if you say they have to the count of three to do what you say, enforce it. Don't ever "let it slide".

3. Natural consequences - let them learn by letting things take their course. Sounds like the teacher needs a lesson in this as well. If there was a follow-on activity to the picture coloring, the natural consequence of not finishing the picture is not being able to participate in it. If the child refuses to eat or has a severely limited list of "likes", then they go hungry (no, this is not abuse, it will only take one or two power struggles for them to get the message.)

The best book I've ever seen on the topic: Children, the Challenge.

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Registered: Jul 2001
Location: China
Posts: 11795

Breeders. sigh.

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Registered: Mar 2004
Location: Behind this monitor.
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quote:

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Originally posted by RoOsTeR13


Dont be surprised if the school claims he has ADD. This seems to be the cure-all of our current generation of educational systems. Rather than spend time with the kid or deal with the kid they attach an ADD label and the child then spends his/her weekdays in a drug induced haze. Sure they may be quiet but you have done nothing to get to the root of the issue and have only drowned it for a while in drugs. I know kids who are on ADD medication and it screws them right up. They are unrecognisable when they are on it. Be aware of it and if they do claim ADD... Look into it in GREAT depth, study ALL the options and be very very sceptical.


In summary. Spend time with him, communicate A LOT! and be a role model. Forget your personal life for a while and sink yourself into this kid because he needs someone to give him boundaries and the concept of respect. Respect for others, the rule of law and himself.

P.S. .... dont kick your own ass too much T. your situation is very unique.

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Registered: Nov 2003
Location: .
Posts: 7983

quote:

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Originally posted by Aydin
Breeders. sigh.

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Registered: Feb 2004
Location: south afrika
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quote:

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Originally posted by Cockney_Rebel
Breedings good. You should try it sometime.

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Registered: May 2003
Location: N. Texas
Posts: 3482

As I read what you wrote, I felt myself transported back to the days I had experienced myself as a child. At some point (I cant tell you when) I simply did not fit in with the other children, and rather than be left out or laughed at....I decided to do my own thing. Children can be very very cruel and sometimes a lack of interaction becomes a natural easy way out.

I sometimes played off from the groups by myself, I challenged authority because authority did not keep others from hurting me physicaly or emotionaly. Authority sometimes encouraged this kind of teatment among groups of children. Organized sports at school can also be a tough experience for a little boy.

Ask your son what he wants to do.
Ask your son who he likes from school, invite them over to play.
play with him and act out things from school. Watch and Listen!

It may be that he is simply very intelligent and cant relate with the other young children, so he internalizes and isolates.

Your son will tell you everything you need to solve this mystery, just talk to him, play with him, and do things together. listen very carefuly to what he is saying. He will give you clues to what is going on! Dont be afraid to seek out a good child therapist. They can cut to the core issue quickly.

later

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Registered: Aug 2000
Location: Cambridge
Posts: 7113

quote:

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He don't speak much but neither do I.

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Registered: Jan 2004
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quote:

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Originally posted by Caffeine
Do you speak like you type?

Associating pain with throwing spoons. Nice waste of associations.

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Registered: Jan 2001
Location: Denver
Posts: 19626

Your child is fine, he will grow up to be just like me.

That should make you happy.

-m

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Registered: Sep 2001
Location: ........
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quote:

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Originally posted by T
I'm kind of caught in a parental bind here.............

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Registered: Aug 2000
Location: Cambridge
Posts: 7113

quote:

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Originally posted by plum
Gawd Caffeine you're such a fucking cocky geeky dork. That's not a flame for flaming's sake; someone really needs to tell you this and you really need to change.

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Registered: Jul 2001
Location: Disgusting den of creepitude
Posts: 10597

So you were only 10 when you signed on to the Asylum?

Sounds like you need parental control.

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Registered: Jan 2001
Location: Denver
Posts: 19626