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Mugtoe
8 March 2005

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Nothing has really worked out today. I bought a new .22 in town, and it didn't occur to me until we got home that this gun requires a scope and isn't open-sighted. How blind could I be? The guy even offered to sell us a cheap scope on the way out the door, and it still didn't dawn on me what we were buyin. We can go back into town tomorrow or the next day and get a scope for $13 or $30, dependin on what we want. But the fact remains that we spend $125 on a gun I really don't need much and wasn't what I was lookin for in the first place, and I have nobody to blame but myself. I don't even have Dad's excuse of old age to blame. I looked at and held the damn thing in my hands. I mean wtf is wrong with me?

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I pray more frequently now, as it's the best remedy I know for resentments and anger. I've been coming up on moments of really twisted feelings every few days and finding myself just overcome while I'm standing outside. I ask for help, I cry, I bawl, I tremble and all that. I usually pray for their happiness and prosperity and for everything I would want for myself to be given to them.

Today I got a little more honest and just said I hate the son-of-a-bitch. I really hate him and hate the way he treated me. I hate the guy he left me for as well. And I hate the way those feelings hurt me more than anyone else. I just said I was broken and to PLEASE show me what to do next and fix me, as I'm pretty much unable to do it myself at this point. God's an old hand at this and knows me pretty well by now.

Charlie Brown said that God will take care of things beautifully, if I will just leave them be and do what's in front of me and stop engaging in endless speculation. He's right, and I already knew all that anyway. But it always helps to hear Charlie stammer and cough it out at me. Dear, sweet Charlie Brown saved my life and continues to do so to this day. He is just about my favorite person in the whole world.

I'm really starting to love my dog. I was standin in the backyard night before last doin that cryin and whinin to God bit, and she reared up on me and started lickin my face. It's nice to have a big slobberin dog. And I know her mouth is clean because she'd just licked her butt.

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Cheer up Mugtoe, at least you broke up before having any children.

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I'm always cheerful.

he can have all that shit he wants so bad and with my blessing. I just don't think I wanna know about it anymore. And I'm not sure I really even wanna know him anymore or be "friends". My friends have generally treated me better'n he did.

Course, I generally treat my friends better'n I treated him as well.

I've had about enough life lessons for one month. I'd like to put some a this behind me now and turn my attentions to what's right in front of my face. I was just havin an extended moment the last few days, and I did it in front of everybody, as is my custom.

gracias, just the same.

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Hey Mug, I'm not really around much to keep track of how you are doing with this but I'm glad you posted this. I know (as well as someone in my position can, i suppose) what this ordeal has done to you and I think of you often, hoping you are doing well. I know you'll be fine and I'm not worried about that, nor do I pity you. But I know it isn't easy or fun to process it all. Godspeed my friend.

Iffen you weren't in debt, I'd offer you a place to crash for a few days if you cuold get yourself over here. Hell, the offer stands, regardless of debt. The house is built on it, so you'd fit right in.

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hell, I ain't that fragile

but I 'preciate it nonetheless.

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and we did have kids. we were both kids about all this. I do romance in real 8th grade fashion, obviously. But when it's good it's really great. Havin a month or so of hurt feelings at the end of it all isn't such a high price to pay for the best relationship I could've ever imagined that lasted for years and made us both very happy for a good long time.

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I did not intend to insinuate a perception of fragility on your part. You've been through more, now and then, than I ever have, and you've ended up okay in spite of it all. Except for that gay bit, but no one's perfect.

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well, I'm happy in my work. I'll grant ya that.

signin off to go plant taters.

oxox

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