Registered: Oct 2001
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Mugtoe
House Arrest

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oi mugtoe, sorry about the conviction. I have a problem with authority too, especially in said situation where it just builds inside of me as a burning anger and hate ultimately making me lash out in some way and sometimes giving them more control.

as far as our loves and lusts, well...what a ride eh?

You’ve spouted lyrical wisdom at times, I wish I had something comforting and wise to say. All I know is I do what I have to do to maintain sanity and some sort of beauty in my churning world, and try not to hurt people. I am not wise, or Id always be at peace myself, istead of stealing it where i can.

lubs and shit.

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hell, I'm havin a great day, puddin. I took a cold pill a little while ago, and I'm wired to the tits and sweatin like an east Dallas crackwhore. I'm writin my second sonnet in as many days, and I've not felt this engaged in what I'm doing and planning in years. I have creative collaborations planned with two people who are both actively encouraging one another and me, and it looks like life is possible once more in a way I wouldn't have thought realistic just a month ago, or even desirable.

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well good, ive masturbated twice today, cursed out a mortgage broker, made 4, 000 bucks and am enjoying a beer. god bless us everyone.

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I beat you. I had three solid wanks before noon, and I may rub one out again, though the cold meds interfere with that impulse. Sometimes you just have to act on principle even when the feelings aren't there.

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quote:

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Originally posted by Mugtoe
I beat you. I had three solid wanks before noon, and I may rub one out again, though the cold meds interfere with that impulse. Sometimes you just have to act on principle even when the feelings aren't there.

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Here's the second sonnet. I don't like the couplet - I think it's weak compared to the rest. I know how much everyone here loves poetry.

Encased in amber lying in plain sight
The memory of life with you remains
But inaccessible it only stains
My hours; loving you was never quite
As satisfying as it now would seem
In retrospect, though I would otherwise
Have argued in the past. But wounded eyes
Govern those perceptions, beautiful dream
Of mine, and I am left tracing the lines
Of a fading image behind a shell
Impenetrable, receding; my Hell
Is my creation – Heaven intertwines
Forgive me if I linger overlong
The power of this image is too strong.

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awe, youre such a sweet lubbies,

i wrote a *ahem "sonnet" too


I like cum, yum yum yum
he gimmie some, in my tum
slapped my ass, groped my bewbie
made me sing "shadoobedoobe"

ah luuuurve.

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Here's the third one for the third day in chains. I still like yesterday's better, I think, though this one is better than the first, which I won't post here anyway. The problem I have with this one is that it ends with a grammatical error. Me should be I, shouldn't it?

Sonnet 17

How irrevocable the sudden shifts
Of feeling, loosing the bonds of two lives
So long held together. One holds, one strives
To break free; and with us one falls, one lifts
Himself with new supports – all those new friends
Who swarmed in dazzling, new interests found
Apart from what was shared before; unwound
The cord becomes, and finally it ends.
A counterfeit memory all I hold
Of what once was authentic to us each.
I trace the outlines vainly try to reach
The substance that is quickly growing cold
And with your newfound happiness I see
The biggest part of us it seems was me.


And incidentally, in spite of any difficulties Sigmo and I are havin with this time here, these sonnets aren't about me wallowin in it. They're just sonnets, ffs, and you write em about shit like this.

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Registered: Jul 2000
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Jeez frank'nbeans, i didn't know you were desperate. I'll bring you some smokes tomorrow sweetie. Anything else you need? Whisky? Paper towels? Call me.

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When I got here a few days back it was raining. Sigmo asked me to go to the corner and get him a pack of smokes, and I did it without hesitation. I know this time is an imposition on him. Today I asked him to do the same for me and he refused because it was raining. Tonight he came in from visiting friends and I asked him to run downstairs and get me a pack while he still had his clothes on. He refused and said maybe he'd do it tomorrow. I asked him if he'd bring me a pack home after work at noon, and he said, "Whatever."

I think that's his way of sayin yes, but if I leave the money on the desk with a note, he'll likely leave it here and refuse again. I don't need the smokes. I have skoal and I only smoke one or two cigs a day anymore. I haven't had one in two days. But it just went all over me. I blew up at him and he just grinned and told one of his new bf's on the phone that he'd have to call him back. (I since messaged the guy online and apologized for my outburst)

I just don't get it. I asked him if he acted that way on purpose and what did he think of me to behave that way when I haven't done anything to him. He said he honestly doesn't think of me much at all anymore. I told him he never has to see me again as long as he lives if he wants it that way, and he said fine. I'm not sure what I did to him other than give him everything I had and then clear out when he wanted to move on. It's like he shits on me for his amusement. I started to get my fan from the bedroom to use while I sleep on the sofa, and he told me not to take it, because he'd just come in and take it back. I'm not going to fight with him.

I'm about to pray for his health, prosperity and happiness and for him to receive all of those things I want so badly for myself. Anger is such a damaging emotion. I don't know what he wants, and I wonder now what, if anything, was real about the last six years. I haven't once in the last three months told him that I wanted him back. I don't. I'll just be glad when this time is done here. I don't see anything about him that I even like anymore, and I still care very deeply about his happiness and well-being. I can hardly do otherwise, because, even if none of what we had meant anything to him, it certainly did to me; and I invested everything I had, materially, emotionally, intellectually and physically into sustaining it - all for nothing. He's done, so that's that. And if my presence, or existence, is inconvenient to him moving on, well I can be discarded and shut out and put out of his mind completely.

I'm all for movin on. I'm just not for treatin people like yesterday's trash regardless of my gripes against them.

And I can't abide thinking about him this way. I still love him and think he deserves the best he can get from life.

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it's you're apartment, he should be the one moving on. if he wants to be an asshole then you should do the same, grow some balls and throw his shit outside tomorrow you pansy fag.

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I'll move into the fifth floor. That'll give him hysterics.

fuck throwin his shit out. I can confiscate it and only give him what he can show a receipt for. his mom works for sears electronics. why should I not keep the gadgets?

fuck that. I'll take the high road and just move on myself and try to put it all behind me for good. He can have the apartment. The solution to people bein shitty to me isn't to be shitty back. What's the point in that? It only makes me shitty.

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i'd rather be shitty than be shit on

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Registered: Apr 2001
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he's being a baby. seems weird. good to hear you aren't reciprocating i suppose, but i think you shouldn't be doubting your actions. that sort of behaviour is rarely if ever the fault of the one it is directed against, in my experience. i mean, he's being a baby. that doesn't mean things meant nothing, it just means he's not able to act better.
though i suppose maybe you thought "better" of him.

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I left a few dollars on the desk this mornin, and he took it with him as he left for work. He just needed to win the pissin contest.

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Registered: Feb 2003
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I admit I don't know the whole story, Mugtoe, but this is your apartment, and this guy is treating you like this? I agree with Dingle; it's up to him to get out of there. For him to do this to you while living on your dime is not just.

That being said, I greatly admire your desire to be the best man you can be despite--even in deliberate contrast to--someone else's behavior. And being told by someone you care deeply for that they just don't think about you much anymore hurts deeply, that part I do understand.

You're clearly a man who's not one to keep some heart held in reserve. You're a good man, and it makes me sad and angry to hear that Matt is treating you so collously. There is surely a way to tell him, with all kindness, that if he's so interested in moving on he should probably start by moving out.

It kind of sounds like you feel like you need him in your life so badly that you'll put up with being mistreated. That's understandable, but I hope that he either drops the mistreatment or you find a way to stop needing his actual presence at some point soon.

My best wishes to both of you, that you find a way out of a bad situation such that you both come out stronger and better people.

__________________

[Ignore Sig]

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quote:

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Originally posted by Mugtoe
The solution to people bein shitty to me isn't to be shitty back. What's the point in that? It only makes me shitty.

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__________________

[Ignore Sig]

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Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

My bad. There are a couple of things that I should qualify here, obviously. I really appreciate the care and concern I’m getting here, and I was really pretty tore up when I wrote some of this stuff. Matt’s not living here on my nickel. I just signed a new six-month lease the day before I left in February, so he’d have time to save for his own deposit and put the apartment in his own name come August 1. He’s paying the rent here now. The place is mine in name only. That being said, I paid the rent and bills for both of us for the previous four years, so I don’t feel as though I owe him any rent for this time I’m doing. I have, however, given him some money for the phone bill. Principally because I had to turn off all of the extra features on the phone and disconnect the answering machine in order to do this house arrest. Also because I’m making a lot of long-distance phone calls, and he no longer has the unlimited long-distance I had paid for on the service when we were together.

I also didn’t mention all of the horrid, hateful things I said to him after he told me what he did last night. How I unloaded all of the pent up bile I’d carried around for the last three months into his face while he lay in bed wishing I would just leave the room. He may know where my buttons are and how to push them, and he may affect indifference; but I am no neophyte when it comes to lashing out verbally. In truth, I wanted to slug him, and I hate myself for even saying that. I can’t tolerate the sort of anger that I harbored toward someone I honestly couldn’t imagine life without a short time ago – someone who I thought looked to me for emotional protection and support and who had always been vulnerable to me.

It’s difficult to characterize how insular the two of us have been over the last six years. We were each other’s refuge, and we were co-conspirators in every way. Last night I told him the very worst things I’d thought about him over the last three months, and I told him I wished he would die while I laid across him sobbing like a child. I had threatened him with revealing things only I know to others, and that is a betrayal of trust that only perhaps confirmed his perceptions of me. I was hurting myself as much as I was trying to hurt him. I don’t know how much damage I did to him, but I know that the part of me corresponding to him was fairly traumatized. I’m not trying to be dramatic, though that is certainly my nature. I’m saying this because I don’t think it’s healthy or appropriate for anyone to behave the way that we did to one another last night. I’m saying that spiritual and emotional damage are real and lasting.

Forgiveness is also powerful and lasting just as well. Acceptance is powerful and lasting every time I attempt it. And as hokey as it may sound, and whether it is accompanied by belief or not, prayer for the well-being and happiness of those I resent works when nothing else will.

This IS an imposition on him, no matter how he may act out towards me. It is incumbent upon me to give him as much space as I am able. It is important for me to remember that if he wants to talk, he can initiate it just fine. If he wants to have my company, that’s his choice not mine. This is his house, even if the lease is in my name. Any other approach would be technically legal, but vindictive, pointless and spiritually and emotionally damaging.
I should also mention that today was as different from yesterday as I could’ve imagined. I sat on the bed while he watched PeeWee’s Big Adventure and rubbed his feet and hands and back and just tried to be gentle with him. I told him that no matter how I felt last night that it was very wrong for me to say the things I did. I said it once and left it at that. I didn’t belabor the point, and he said little or nothing about it. When I had my two hours of free time today and returned from my walk downtown, he was not dismissive or cold and even suggested that I make myself some French toast and use his maple syrup.

It’s important for me to remember – and for the sake of clarity perhaps to restate every now and then – that we were life-partners. He wasn’t my boyfriend or lover. He was the man I intended and was prepared myself to spend the rest of my life with no matter how he turned out. Blame for the disruption of that plan can be placed as much or more upon my head as upon his own. He is quite a bit younger than I am as well, and that sort of commitment may have been beyond his ken at the time we set upon this road together. I should also note that neither of us is dead, and our lives together haven’t fallen that far apart so far, though we no longer designate ourselves the way we once did.

I love him still. I cannot imagine having anyone else in my life in such a substantial way. I doubt I ever will, though anything is possible. And as Dad would say, “Frank, you’re just too damned intense, son.”

Well, he’s right. And Matt had no idea what he was getting himself in for when he hitched his cart to my mule.

So I was venting, and in the process of that I perhaps vilified Sigmo a bit overmuch. For the sake of my integrity and the chance to redeem this circumstance it’s important that I own what I was doing throughout that episode completely. So I have as best I could done that now. I didn’t need to ask him any favors. I didn’t need to depend upon him to make conversation if he was unwilling to do so when he never asked or invited me to camp out in his home for a month.

Matt is a beautiful, creative, intelligent, caring and talented individual. He is also a fallible human being, just like me – just like each of us. I love him not in spite of those things but exactly because of them. I love his narrow shoulders and pigeon chest and wide hips and Howdy-Doody looks, and I could give a shit if someone I’d dated before was better looking by what I would consider my “normal” parameters. I never saw Matt with those eyes since the day I met him. Love has been salvation for me, though that, perhaps, is an unhealthy way to characterize it for most people. It brought me out of my self and made me a part of something larger than I was before. It taught me, and he taught me, to honestly care about someone else and to devote my energies to their well being and happiness in conjunction with my own. At some point I walked away from that, or became unwilling to do it at the same time as I moved forward as an individual, and the structure became brittle and subject to the elements of human passions and frailties. That was my loss. That is the source of my sadness as I write this. That is the image whose outlines I’ve continually traced over these last three months trying to find the substance underneath while I sat on a tractor on my father’s farm and cried with the dog running alongside and the dust caked on my cheeks. It’s why I’m crying now. Hurting others hurts myself. Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.

We could all use a bit more tenderness towards each other.

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quote:

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Originally posted by cw
May I quote you on that?

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I don't type this stuff just to get a nod of approval from the gallery. I write it because it is I who needs to hear it most often. I am not a preacher; I'm a reprobate who needs the Word ground into my self at a cellular level until such time as I can live it and be one with it in the way I act towards other people. Otherwise, why am I here? Am I living just to see how many toys I can accumulate and how many places I can see? I read in the literature I was given at one point that this is about who I want to be, not what I want to get. I took that to heart on some level, though I frequently still forget it most willfully.

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