Registered: Aug 2000
Location: I don't fukn' know!
Posts: 5137

Note from Santa

> An important message from Santa
>
> I Regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I
> will no longer be able to serve Southern United States
> on Christmas Eve. Due to the current, overwhelming
> population of Earth, my contract was renegotiated by
> North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now
> serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois,
> Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and
> better contract, I also get longer breaks for milk and
> cookies, so keep that in mind. However, I'm certain
> that your children will be in good hands with your
> local replacement, who happens to be my third
> cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from
> the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to
> all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few
> differences between us:
>
> 1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your
> presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his
> sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys
> insured by Smith and Wesson."
>
> 2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers
> that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds (or a
> moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a
> pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have
> an empty spit can handy.
>
> 3. Bubba Claus's sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared,
> flying coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the
> mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one
> time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's
> fireplace.
>
> 4. You won't hear, "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and
> Blitzen . . ." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead,
> you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and
> Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
>
> 5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And
> you are also likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I
> her'd dat!"
>
> 6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus's
> sleigh has a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back
> with the words "Back Off." The last I heard, the
> sleigh also had other decorations on back as well.
> One is Ford logo with lights that race through the
> letters, and the other is a caricature of me (Santa
> Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy.
>
> 7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle
> on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not
> be shown in your viewing area. Instead, you'll see
> "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the
> Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and
> dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
>
> 8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd
> make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other
> way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
>
> 9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung
> about me, like "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" and
> Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town." This
> year, songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all
> the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will
> include Mark Chestnut's "Bubba Claus Shot the
> Jukebox," and "Grandma Got Run'd Over By a Reindeer."
>
> Sincerely,
>
> Santa Claus
>
> (Member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)



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you don't have to drag me down, I descend.

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Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Delaware
Posts: 5722

Fine! Now who's going to break the news to my kid?

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=^..^=

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