Registered: Oct 2001
Location:
Posts: 18831

Mugtoe
11-03-05

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Registered: Jul 2000
Location: zanzibar
Posts: 10477

You're probably more normal than most of us, you're just more open about your peculiarities.

I think you get a nervous tic in your eye from being run-down and tired. That is how it seems to happen with me anyways.

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Registered: Jul 2000
Location: A New England
Posts: 9187

You should try dating women. At least you have a better chance of giving them a cathartic beating when they leave you.

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Registered: Mar 2004
Location: USA
Posts: 25795

Mug, what you need to do is get somewhere and stay there longer than a humping rabbit. You need to gather some moss so you can afford a convertible sports car and gold chains to go along with that mid-life crisis you have been going through since you were 14.

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Registered: Aug 2001
Location: Hilbert Space
Posts: 35917

Face it, Frank. You're pretty fucking gay.

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Registered: Mar 2004
Location: USA
Posts: 25795

That too.

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Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 10480

would it make you feel better if i made out with you in the sculpture garden?

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Registered: Oct 2001
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I finally made it to a place in my thirties where I felt I was okay just like I was. I felt a relationship with whatever you want to call God or the Ground of Being or some shit like that. I became my own best friend and enjoyed my company. It was like that when I met Matt, but maybe I'm just not cut out for being in a relationship with anyone but myself and the world at large.

I put Matt, or my relationship with Matt, in that place and began depending on that to give me my spiritual compass. When that was shaky I drank, because drinking was always what I'd done before to quiet the noise in my head when nothing else worked and God didn't exist for me. Call that what you like, on a functional level it worked for me and that's all that really matters. I don't care if God exists or not. Having a relationship with It worked. Putting that weight on a human relationship didn't. I've been nine months now trying to get over that with limited success, and I'm running out of options. I don't want to get drunk, but I see no point in being sober either; and I don't have much confidence in my ability to stick wtih that anyway. Regardless of what the 12-steppers in the crowd may have to say, and I've said it all before myself ad nauseum, my problems go beyond my drinking. I don't trust myself anymore to even want what's good for me for any prolonged period of time.

I don't think I'll get that job today, and I'm stressed about it. I'm afraid I won't get it, and I'm afraid I will. That's what's really stressing me out the last couple of days. But it's easier to pick up old stuff with Matt rather than deal with what's in front of me. What's in front of me is that I drink too much and I'm afraid of getting my show on the road again because I just don't think I have the inclination to be a "going human concern" anymore. It's SO much easier to sit back and pick apart my broken relationship because that's familiar territory and gets me thankfully nowhere. Knowing that makes it safe to chew on. Dealing with my current circumstances is dicier for me.

boy, I'm a real catch, ain't I

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Registered: Jul 2000
Location: A New England
Posts: 9187

Run away to Spain for a year or two and write prose.

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Registered: Feb 2003
Location: Oceanside, CA
Posts: 5233

I don't know, mug. It sounds like there is some fundamental, underlying problem behind all of this, but I don't know what it is. I think you're right that you had elevated your relationship with Matt into a place in your mind where too much weight was placed on it, although from the sound of it he didn't do a very good job of fixing that gently. Why did it get put there in the first place, though? What is missing in your life that this relationship had to fill the void?

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Registered: Oct 2001
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quote:

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Originally posted by Goatboy
Run away to Spain for a year or two and write prose.

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Registered: Jul 2000
Location: A New England
Posts: 9187

You need a Spanish sugar daddy.

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Registered: Oct 2001
Location:
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I'll settle for Lightbulb

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Registered: Aug 2001
Location: Hilbert Space
Posts: 35917

So, didn't get the job?

You'll want something a bit more flexible anyhow, if you're to keep 'accidentally' observing Matt. Being a stalker isn't a 9 to 5 job.

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Registered: Oct 2001
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I figured I should stop associating with him at all. I considered drinking myself to death, but Dingle already has that covered in this market. Still, I'm planning on making a stab at it right away. It will at the very least affect my postcount. My macrocytes are chompin at the bit to do whatever it is they do when I drown myself in alcohol. I'm not going to be very pretty for a while, if at all. I'm not the type to send myself home, however. One nice thing about givin up is that it gives me unlimited options.

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Registered: Jan 2001
Location: Denver
Posts: 20285

Not associating with him is a good idea, but I can't say I care for the idea of you drinking yourself to death.

-m

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Registered: Jul 2000
Location:
Posts: 4501

Mug, make a list of everything you've got. Including your toes. Make a list of everything you see that you like, everything that you hear that you like. The list will grow. Esp. if you add your favorite foods, pictures, books, you name it.

Now why the fuck would you want to drink away the chance to experience all that? Fuck that guy. Yes, it's more complicated than that. But at the same time, it's not. This shit's just triggered a bunch of stuff. So, yeah ... take it easy, deal with what you can. And don't drink yourself to death. Or I'll raise you from the grave. :- )

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Registered: Dec 2002
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Well, all I can say is Dingle better be ready for some unexpected housequests if we have to pull the first Asylum intervention, Frank. I ain't joking, either.

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Registered: Jul 2000
Location: A New England
Posts: 9187

I think he's been gay a bit long for us to snap him out of it that easy.

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Registered: Apr 2004
Location: Den
Posts: 12238

Unexpected Housequests? Is that some sort of gay pastime?

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Registered: Oct 2001
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lordy, I was just bein a bit hyperbolic. I wasn't that blue when I wrote that. I felt like a weight had lifted off of me.

I blocked him on the net and wouldn't ya know he came and knocked on my door today. I went with him to see Capote, and I really didn't want to be around him. I just don't know how to say no when he's on the other side of anything. So the movie was good. I just rented four DVDs. I got Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolfe, Butch Cassidy & the Sundance Kid, The Third Man and The Italian Job with Michael Caine. I'm gonna kick it by myself and not answer the door or the phone.

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Registered: Feb 2003
Location: Oceanside, CA
Posts: 5233

I am in no position to offer advice to someone like you, Mug, but it seems very telling that he shows up in person when you block off other contact. I can't say I like it when a person who has (and continues to) cause you that kind of pain seeks you out when you distance yourself.

You know both him and yourself, but that just does not sound like a healthy relationship.

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Registered: Aug 2001
Location: Hilbert Space
Posts: 35917

quote:

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Originally posted by Goatboy
I think he's been gay a bit long for us to snap him out of it that easy.

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Registered: Jan 2004
Location:
Posts: 2067

I thought I wrote a pretty good anti-drinking entry in my last blog-

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