Paint CHiPs
Viva Le Me
Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Location Location
Posts: 26420 |
Asylum Dumbfuck Tournament, Round 1: Dumbasses By Volume
This is simple people, don't fuck it up.
Starting at the top of the poll, every two names are matched against each other. Pick ONE of the two to vote for.
Do the same for the next two.
There are 16 names, you should vote for 8 of them, one from each pair.
Got it? Go.
quote:
The “Dumbasses By Volume” bracket is perhaps the most exciting of this year’s tournament. While the theme is ostensibly “prolific posters”, it also happens that many in this bracket are some of the older, more popular, and more known posters in the tournament. This is the bracket, in other words, for the Old Guard, the giants among midgets, the people that have, for better or worse, left an indelible impression on The Asylum. Though there are some strong contenders, it seems a bit unlikely that this year’s winner will come from this bracket, but some of the early matches here will be among the year’s most exciting. So, without further ado....
Hawley Griffin (1) vs. Talarohk (16): Hawley’s been a longtime favorite for this competition, reflected in his #1 seed in the bracket this year, and even if he gets felled at some point in this competition, one has to expect he’s in the running for a Lifetime Achievement Award of Dumbfuckery. It’s his sheer will and determination in the Dumb Fuck arts that make him such a strong competitor. Others fall into their careers, or only gradually build up a case over time; Hawley has been actively training for the Big Show his entire posting life. From the very beginning, Hawley has proven himself a man that will leave no Dumb Stone unturned. Whether it’s the sheer volume of pointless and totally inane comments (9 thousand and change, probably 98% of which are totally disposable), those more than a few times when he’s nearly gotten himself banned (“You mean posting a picture of an infant with a cock on his face is child porn? I had no idea! What about Jesus doing an eight-month-old from behind? That too?! Alright, fine, I‘ll just sit here and give myself points with my alters. That‘s cool, right?”), or his almost pathological need to prove how edgy and shit he is (“I’m crazy, man. I just don’t give a fuck. I’ll talk about shit-eating. I’ll lob shallow personal insults at dead people and Christians. I SWEAR TO GOD, I’M JUST THAT HARDCORE!!1!”), Hawley is a formidable adversary of abrasive stupidity and sophomoric outcast posturing. If Asylum members were bands, Hawley would be the Insane Clown Posse.
But don’t count Talarohk out. Nobody wants to vote for him because he’s nice and shit, but come on. Sometimes, a lack of hostility is a sure sign of an underlying dimness. Look at LF. Talarohk is not just nice, he’s nice to the point of being a doormat. Nice to the point of having to actively lie to himself (and us) to find something positive about the situation or person he’s responding to. Nice to the point of saccharine. Nice to the point of mental illness/deficiency. If you shot Tal in the knees, knocked him to the ground, and pissed on his face, he’d gargle and sputter trying to compliment you on your fine marksmanship and the pleasant, crisp bouquet of your urine. There’s something seriously wrong with this guy. So, while Hawley will likely rout him, give Tal some due consideration.
CHiPsJr (8) vs. wonderaz (9): CHiPsJr has been actively lobbying for his moment in the Dumbfuck sun all year, and he has finally arrived. Whether he’s able to put away the Jackass is another matter entirely, but it seems a balanced matchup.
Wonderaz is old and half senile. He hasn’t posted much in the last year, and what he has posted has tended towards hollow roars from a dying lion. It might be a trick of memory, but at one point wonderaz seemed edgy, sharp, acerbic. Now, he seems like the 8th reunion tour of Fleetwood Mac. So tired and overdone that most people are beginning to wonder if he was even cool in his prime.
Jr, on the other hand, is a relative fresh face to the competition, and forum dumbfuckery generally. It takes a certain kind of skill to be as loud and argumentative as he is and still be a virgin well past 30, but somehow Jr manages to pull it off. And, whether it’s laughable hyperbole in PDM (anybody remember the balloon drop that sunk Kerry at the Democratic National Convention? We’ll forgive you if the answer is no), massively nerdy (nerdy past the point of being endearing, even) tastes in the book forum (“Hey, you guys into this historical fiction sci-fi Civil War comedy writer from Wales that published three paperbacks in the 70s? Anybody? Anybody?”), to his long track record of being just plain dumb (“Dick Gephardt will win the Democratic nomination for president”), Jr. has amassed a respectable resume of Dumb.
This will be a tough race to call. The close seedings are appropriate. Lethargic hollow repetition of the glory days, or a fresh go-getting dumbfuck verve? You decide.
Lu (5) vs. Rokkr (12): Lu surprised many in the last Dumbfuck competition with a pretty good showing relative to what many of us would have guessed, indicating that there is a strong undercurrent of support for Lu being Dumb. How much of that is just spite for her constant camwhoring (and constant, and constant, and constant), and how much of that is personal vindictiveness, and how much is an honest reaction to a girl that often gets intellectually in way over her head, is hard to say. But she’s not to be taken lightly (ha ha).
Rokkr, however, is for my money the dark horse of this bracket. First of all, anybody that not only openly admits to having sex with Grandma CW, but takes and posts pictures of the act, has to have a screw loose. Secondly, Rokkr’s (“Rocker! Get it! Rocker, because I like music. Yeah! Rock! Do you guys like music?”) only notable involvement with the forum seems to be interchangeable sniping of the Mord-lite variety, or a Comic Book Guy attitude to arcane trivia about shitty music (it’s trivial for a reason, Rokkr). But the real strength for Rokkr this year is the Dumbfuck tournament itself. I mean, look at the “Quality, Not Quantity” bracket. What kind of idiot would set that? And posting all the poll threads at once, what the fuck. The seedings, the brackets, the timing--it’s all wrong, and any substantive complaints are being summarily dismissed, thereby ensuring that the ensuing discontent finds its avenue of expression in the voting process here. I mean yeah, you’re always putting yourself on the line running something like a Dumbfuck Competition. But to run a Dumbfuck Competition stupidly? And then putting yourself in the running? That’s just tempting fate, man.
Finally, I know this isn’t technically an ugly contest, but this pairing just screams “side by side comparison”. Here is Lu:
And here is Rokkr:
That says it all really.
Incidentally, that picture of Lu is her under ideal conditions. Thick, naked, spread eagle, optimally lit, and without a head. R. Crumb would be proud.
Coincidence (4) vs. skalie (13): The battle of the foreign anti-American scum! This is actually a pretty good matchup. Both are like Romanian or some shit. Both are smelly and really, really ugly in a decidedly Eastern European way. Both think they have intelligent, concise things to say about politics and culture, and neither do.
skalie should be well known by now to the voters. He’s the 40-something burnout who still fancies himself a sex-pistols mold punk rokkr. There’s something really kind of sad about every picture of him I’ve ever seen. Sad in that “creepy 50 year old man that spends his weeknights hanging out in hot clubs full of beautiful young people” way. You know the type. This is the sort of guy/girl/thing whose life’s zenith was reached when BGK played a show in his bumfuck village in East Slovenia or whateverthefuck in 1982 and he was allowed to roadie for them for a gig and clean their semen and sweat off the stage later. His life since has been a desperate attempt at reliving that faded moment of glory.
Coincidence is of a similar mold, actually, though he is less far along in the sharp downwhile slope. As evidence of his similar euro-trash hardcore persona, I give you his band. Few things are as indicative of the kind of crap musical taste and lack of personal hygiene/style that his people are known for as that. He also seemingly has a penchant for butting into political threads and adding inane and useless commentary wherein he tries to mask his lack of applicable knowledge with a kind of vainglorious arrogance, a trick he might have picked up from skalie, the eurotrash Darth Sidious to his Vader.
So who to go for? The (relatively) young bright-eyed musically disinclined piece of euroshit destined for the gutter, or the washed-up burnout cloudy-eyed musically disinclined piece of euroshit, who has put up the gutter for a fourth mortgage? Again, you decide.
Goatboy (6) vs. mattdk (11): Of the 8 matches in this bracket, this is by far the least interesting. Goatboy is an old hat at riling people up, so maybe there’s still some left-over hostility towards him that might get him some votes, but let’s face it, he hasn’t posted anything worth noting--for any reason--in awhile. He’s funny and edgy and yadda yadda yadda, but mostly, he’s the bum younger and less productive brother of Smug Git who rests on the laurels of his well-earned but ill-maintained reputation. Quick, name your favorite Goatboy post/thread of the last year. He did make it to the second round last year, though that was in part because of an unlucky matchup against Aydin (that he won, or lost, or advanced from), so maybe he’ll get some votes, but really, at least from this commentator’s perspective, he’s mostly been kind of bland.
mattdk is surely stupider, but...well, I’m not quite sure I even know who mattdk is exactly. He’s been around since October 2000 (though his “Hi I’m New” thread came in 2003), and he’s got a lot of posts, and I vaguely remember seeing him around the forums a lot, but I can’t quite place him. I think he likes video games? Hell, I don’t know. I’m even pretty sure I’ve had conversations with him a dozen or so times, but fuck if I can place him. I don’t know. I got nothin‘.
So yeah, a nobody versus a somebody that’s turning into a nobody. *shrugs* Vote however, nobody cares.
Trenchant_Troll (3) vs. Cage (14): It should be no surprise that TT is in the running in this, his first but surely not his last Dumbfuck showing. He’s been one of my personal favorites to win for a long time now.
Cage is a weak contender for the Troll. I mean yeah, he’s got an MS Paint picture of his balls for an avatar. And yeah, he’s going to be single for the first time in his life at 30. And yeah, he’s one of those guys that pretends to be too smart for the rest of us plebs even as he postures for our respect. And yeah, he’s a metrosexual who feigns machismo even as he wears zip-up cardigans, but let’s face it, he’s a tomato can against TT.
TT is one of the most prolific posters in the history of this forum. He’s not even been here two years, and already he has over TWELVE THOUSAND posts. That sounds like quite an achievement until you consider that each one was about as considered and thoughtful as an errant belch. Few have gone to such great lengths to say so little over and over and over again as TT. He continues to operate under the assumption that his mind-numbingly dumb and obvious one-liners are somehow amusing to the rest of us, and that the more of them he posts, in rapid succession, the funnier he will be (otherwise known as “The GoFuckYourselves! Principle“). This is all the more maddening when you look at his huge reservoir of points. Consider this: according to the points, Trenchant Troll is the FUNNIEST PERSON ON THE FORUM. What it doesn’t tell you is that 75% of those points all come from the same few dumbasses who can’t tell a funny line from a hole in their ass (Yeah Large Filipino, I’m looking at you). Has there ever been a person, however, who was so positively reinforced for behaviors that so merit immediate extinction?
TT also operates under the mistaken impression that being old is the same as being wise, and that, when posting about topics that you know very little about (which, for TT, is most), your lack of informed perspective is made up for if you just sound vague and certain enough. To make up for his considerable deficits in “knowledge”, TT’s strategy is to just post nothing A LOT, and hope that fools people into thinking that, surely if he’s so smug and prolific, he must know something. It’s a flimsy strategy, but the passion with which he cultivates it is a sight to behold. TT honestly believes that you can make up for being alarmingly ignorant and stupid on the force of sheer attitude, and that if you commit yourself to it enough, and don’t let yourself get bogged down in things like “context” and “information” and “critical thinking” and “knowledge”, nobody will be able to see that behind the curtain is a man just as dumb as the rest of the contenders here, but much more committed to trying to hide it. Trenchant Troll is George W. Bush on biker crank.
Fortunately for his Dumbfuck chances, he’s also not smart enough to pull off his misdirection. Which is why he’ll advance easily against the Shaven One.
Smug Git (7) vs. ignatz mouse (10): An interesting pairing against two relatively popular Asylumites, each coming from two different schools of Dumbfuckery. In the blue corner you have Smug Git, a massively prolific faux-intellectual who drowns his forum stomping grounds in his strained considered intellectualism (there are few Asylumites with more apt nicknames). In the red corner, you have the mouse, who has committed herself with great relish towards cultivating a reputation as an inane chatterbox flirt with very little to say but a lot of useless posting to say it in. It’s hard to say how the voting will break down here. Smug Git surely is a ripe target, as he has tried very hard to position himself as the voice of reasoned intelligence and sharp wit in every single endeavor he has ever undertaken. His smugness will probably draw him more than a few votes. But ignatz....well, she just seems dumber, doesn’t she? Tough call here. Perhaps Smug’s baldness, inability to find work even with his massively overeducated and overinflated pedigree, and blowhard misogyny paired with his dickwhipped subservience to the weaker sex will help him. In ignatz’s defense, at least she doesn’t try too hard to rise above her station on the forum. No telling who the voters will go for, though I suspect the mouse squeaks it out.
mmmtravis (2) vs. JEB Stuart (15): Now this might be the dark horse pairing of the bracket. travis is the justifiable target of a fair bit of venom. He’s kind of sexually creepy (if there was a “Poster Most Likely to Scrounge Laundry Baskets For Women‘s Panties to Sniff“ award, I suspect mmmtravis would be strong in the running for it), he’s Andre-the-Giant big despite having a personality befitting (and revealing) a complete fucking pussy, and, perhaps most importantly, he’s one of the laziest, good-for-nothing flakes on the forum. The Dumb Fuck tournament, after all, was his creation originally, but despite repeated requests and beggings and promises on his part, he just couldn’t be arsed to take the phenomenal amount of effort required to put 64 names on a fucking bracket and hand it to Paint to write about. What the fuck.
JEB Stuart is well-liked and generally respected on the forum, but his low seeding is deceptive. Is it really wise to underestimate the dumbfuckness of the man responsible for the advocacy, population, and constant inappropriate topping of the Chilli Cookoff thread? Or for his penchant to sit his fat ass down in the “What are you listening to right now” threads he’s ruined and sift through thousands of pictures of bands nobody gives a shit about? Or the constant repetition of the Jackass stories that weren’t funny even when they were original five years ago? Or the man who is surely the second most significant source of TT’s humor points? Or the guy who posts in that stupid pink font? Everybody likes JEB, but come on, let’s give him credit where it’s due. He’s a dumb fuck of a high order, and I think may prove to be a difficult challenge for the favored mmmtravis.
PAINT’S PREDICTIONS:
Hawley in a walk.
CHiPsJr, barely.
Rokkr, in a close but decisive race.
skalie, in a grime-off.
mattdk?
Trenchant_Troll, easy.
ignatz_mouse, though Smug pulls off a respectable showing.
JEB Stuart, in the upset of the night.
__________________
Last edited by Paint CHiPs on 11-24-2005 at 12:00 AM
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11-23-2005 11:26 PM
