Alice
Soft Tissue Damage
Registered: Nov 2004
Location: Athens, GA
Posts: 416 |
quote: Originally posted by dogcow
i love the way you write those. hope writing it down is helping you in some way.
Thank you. Such a simple thing for you to say--but it makes a huge difference in how I feel.
I don't know if the blog is helping. This morning at five fucking o'clock, I was cursing myself out for trying it. I had a really seriously bad health episode about the time my husband got really sick--and one of the things that made life so impossible is I could not sleep. I literally did not sleep for years. I'd crash for a few hours at a time, but my doctor said it wasn't REM sleep. It wasn't sleep that gives rest. I was a zombie. I was so sleep deprived, I couldn't read or cook. I couldn't think.
So, last night, for the first time in about two years, I couldn't sleep for shit. I knew it was because I cracked the door with this blog.
Some people would say that's good--to go ahead and face it--but I'm not thinking I can endure this right now. The torture is indescribable....for someone with my level of verbal skills, anyway.
I guess with everything the way it happened--I can't face his life in context. You know how we sort of arrange things neatly before we file them away. "He lived a long life"...."She loved me and I told her I loved her before she died"...."It was his time..." I can't come up with one. They're all intolerable.
mugtoe---I'm sorry my entries are so disjointed. The author is, too. There are a lot of things I can't categorize and name. I'm just going to have to do the best I can, as I can--btw--I enjoy reading you. Your blogs are incredible. They sort of help me. They probably help everybody in some way.
Not Harry Met Sally made me relive those first weeks together for the first time in many years. I saw some things that happened from a vastly different viewpoint. It make me feel worse than when I started.
I'm not suicidal now, but I was not long ago. I'm already on the highest dosage of anti-depressant I can get anyone to prescribe me--I know what it's like to start sliding down, so I'm afraid to go too fast. I'm sure I'm not the only one who knows what this is like. Thanks, anyone with the patience to wade through my misery.
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"This excessive concern with little weasels is a sickness." Rudy Giuliani
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