Registered: Oct 2001
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Mugtoe
04-07-06

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Registered: Oct 2001
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I was just out in the garden tilling to plant all the hundreds of things dad picked up in town today, and I heard him holler at me over the noise of the engine. I looked up thinkin somethin was wrong, and there in the back pasture just past the garden were my girls walkin up from the river. I was so happy to see em back; I'd thought they were dog food by now. I turned off the tiller and hollered at em, and they trotted on up and followed me right around the house and into the backyard. I'm tickled to death about that. I was so embarrassed and disappointed last night, and I know dad was put out about it as well. They're right outside my window gorgin themselves on goat feed. I guess they'd been holed up in one of those abandoned houses by the river or somethin.

I'm really beat, but dad picked up about thirty five tomatoes and more than forty or so pepper plants, plus a ton of seed. He got bush beans, blackeyed peas, lima beans and more other stuff than I can remember; he's like that. I'm gonna head back out and till some more until I give out get as many of the plants in the ground as I'm able today.

what a relief.

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Registered: Mar 2004
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Well, at least your harem is intact.

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Registered: May 2003
Location: N. Texas
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Wow....I had no idea you were sober again. I guess we dont keep in touch or talk much at this point. I'll never forget how hurt and dissapointed I was when you went out in 1999. I had just gotten sober after partying hard for another 6 years of my life and you were the one showed the program to me and helped me get sober. I apologize for never really thanking you for that help you gave me. Thank you Frank.

I would ask people like Ray-Ray and Chris Cook "What about Frank, What about Frank" and they all would tell me "You need to fucking forget about Frank and start worrying about Phillip" there was some truth to that I guess.

My sponsor John almost dropped me because I was still talking to you then.....I tried to tell him that I had known you for a long time and I wont just walk away from a person like that.

I find myself at a turning point now, I have not been to a meeting in months and have started romancing the other side again. You know the way we can tell ourselves that it was'nt that bad after all.....Hell I did better financialy when I was fucked up.....I've never been as broke as I am now. 4 years and now almost 3 years again.......for what? to listen to a room full of self-righteous folks tell me that it's God's will these things are happening in my life. Does god want me to be broke, struggling, and depressed?

Just as soon as I can get a couple of paydays in my pocket free and clear I'm moving to Wichita. It is not a glamorous place but it is fairly honest and simple......at least I have friends there.

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God doesn't do that stuff to you. If you want to be richer, spend less than you make and save the difference. Charlie Brown taught me that a long time ago, though I've never used it much.

Forget about all the religious hocus-pocus and the spiritual calculus people use to get God to jump through hoops. If they believe in those fairy tales and still think God is all about quid pro quo and some kind of retributive justice, then they should open that book again and read Job and figure out that whole theodicy issue on a deeper level.

There's nothing wrong with being poor for that matter. But I'd rather just say I'm broke. Saying I'm poor brings in a lot of baggage I don't care to haul around.

I've been driving into Dallas every Friday for a 6 o'clock meeting and then eating dinner and having coffee with David D. and a few other folks. I got a phone list and called Chris T.'s number this afternoon because I remembered you asking about her. I left a message but haven't heard back yet.

RayRay was diagnosed schizophrenic a couple of years ago and sort of left the rez after that. I haven't heard anything from him in ages, though I flirt periodically online with an ex-bf of his. I didn't know the connection til I saw him in a meeting last week, actually. My evil twin eventually came back after going back out in 2002. From what I understand he just got a year, though I also hear he's on methadone still. He and I don't talk anymore, and for good reason. That's a long, sordid tale, and I was probably much more to blame on that score than he was, even though he was calling me every fifteen minutes to listen to him shoot dope on the phone. I was recording it and laughing along, and he sent me pictures to accompany all that. I was smoking dope and drinking in Mpls, but it was pretty low-key on my end. I haven't shot dope in years and years. I got really tired of it after a short time and told him to stop. He blew up at me and got worse about it. I threatened to send the pics and sound files to his brother if he didn't quit. He didn't, so I did. The end result was that the calls stopped, so I got the appropriate therapeutic response in any case. I don't make any excuses for what I did. They already had an intervention planned for that weekend anyway, but I probably could've handled it better than I did. Saying I was out at the time doesn't cover any behavior.

And Phillip, if you want to start believing that things were better for you out there, just stop and give me a call. I was there with you, kiddo. Remember the helicopters over my house at 3am? Remember Cedrick? Remember how we had to almost kill ourselves before we were in a position to want a normal life again? Remember having to light my freebase for me because I couldn't see anymore, and then how I'd have to stop because my heart was racing so much I thought I was going to die? Remember how I'd light up again as soon as it slowed down?

There were some funny moments to that stuff, but only in a very, VERY dark sense. My dog Booger, who would stay on that armchair for up to twelve hours because we were scared that tail of his would knock all the eight-balls off the coffeetable the moment he got up. Riding around in a stolen car with Brian B. and doing eighty-cent lines off the bar at La Mariposa because he was turning product for Julio during the day while we drank shots of that godawful Grand Marnier and snorted coke that felt like ground glass in our noses for some reason.

Joe Bowles is dead. The Lone Ranger is dead. Superman is dead. I don't want to die drunk, but more than that, I don't want to live as a useless drunk. I'll take being broke any day over that. It ain't about what I want to have so much as it is about who I want to be.

When my friend Ed out here sobered up, he was living in a run-down shack here in Parker County and leaving the door open so his horse could walk inside when it wanted to. That was twenty some-odd years ago. I've known him almost that entire time. He shoes horses for a living and just paid half a million dollars for a ranch between Weatherford and Mineral Wells. He's waiting on someone to give him so much money for it that he can't see straight, and then he'll buy a nice big place a little further out and retire, or just keep shoeing horses, I guess. If you want rags to riches stories to keep you motivated, you can find them. I'll be satisfied at this point if I can just stay on track until I meet my new sponsor tomorrow evening over in Dallas. Beyond that, I'll take what I can get and not gripe too much. I drank up my relationships, my jobs and just about everything else worthwhile in my life. And nothing really dramatic has happened in a couple of years as a result of my actions. I'm just tired of it. When my dad passes, I don't want to be drunk. You, more than most people, should understand that part of it.

Don't give up right before things change.

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Registered: Oct 2001
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I'm on the phone with Chris T. right now, actually. She remembers you and says hello.

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Seven years ago today I met Sigmo for the first time at Gruenhagen Hall on the UW Oshkosh campus. I don't have any regrets about a minute of that.



Today I'm heading to Hamilton, TX to meet another redheaded guy for the first time. I just realized that stuff. Odd, how things work out that way. I showed up and left MN on 7 December. Dates tend to coincide for me for some reason.

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Registered: Aug 2001
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quote:

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Originally posted by Mugtoe
Dates tend to coincide for me for some reason.

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Registered: Aug 2001
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quote:

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Originally posted by Mugtoe
If you want to be richer, spend less than you make and save the difference.

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Registered: Sep 2001
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Did you mean Moutan?

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Registered: Aug 2001
Location: Hilbert Space
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Bah.

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Registered: Oct 2001
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quote:

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Originally posted by Smug Git
Perhaps the hour hand is missing from your 'emotional progress' clock.

Which maybe isn't a bad thing.

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Registered: Oct 2001
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I think I came off a little defensive with that, and that wasn't my intention. I had a good time today.

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quote:

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Originally posted by Smug Git
That's a recipe for not going into debt (including being sustainably poor), not getting rich. Not that it's bad advice in itself, because debt is a moutain to carry.

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Registered: Sep 2001
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where has lanin been?

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