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Santa Renews His Pilots License
Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and it was shortly before Christmas when the FAA examiner arrived.

In preparation,Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order.

The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He check the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for sled's enormous payload.

Finally, they were ready for the checkride. Santa got in and fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun.

"What's that for?" asked Santa incredulously.

The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this, but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."

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I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year, and since you have, I will tell my ELVES to make some goodies to leave under your Christmas tree.

I was going to bring you all the gifts from the Twelve Days of Christmas, but we have had a little problem up here: The Twleve Fiddlers Fiddling have all come down with V.D from fiddling with the Ten Ladies Dancing. The Eleven Lords a Leaping have knocked up The Eight Maids a Milking and The Nine Pipers Playing have been arrested for doing weird things to The Seven Swans a Swimming. The Six Geese a laying, Four Calling Birds, Three French Hens, Two Turtle Doves, an the Partridge in a Pear Tree have me up to my ass in bird shit.

On top of all this, Mrs. Clause is going through menapause, eight of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined The Gay Liberation, and those dumb ass Polacks have scheduled Christmas for the fifth of February.


Sincerely,
Santa Clause

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25 Christmas ideas to torture your roomate

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Claim you were a Christmas tree in your former life. If s/he tries to bring one into the room, scream bloddy murder and trash on the floor.

Go to the mall with your roomate and sit on Santa's lap. Refuse to get off.

Wear a Santa suit all the time. Deny you're wearing it.

Sit in a corner in the fetal position rocking back and forth chanting, "Santa Claus is coming to town, Santa Claus is coming to town..."

Hang mistle-toe in the doorway. When your roomate enters or leaves the room, plant a wet one on his/her lips.

Hang a stocking with your roomates name on it. Collect coal and sharp objects in it. If s/he asks, say "you've been very naughty this year."

Paint your nose red and wear antlers. Constantly complain about how you never get to join in on the reindeer games.

Make conversation out of Christmas Carols. (I.E. "You know, I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistle-toe last night.")

Wrap yourself in Christmas lights and roll around in the snow.

Sing: "All I want for Christmas is my roomate's two front teeth..."

Give your roomate the gifts from the twelve days of Christmas song.

Build a snowperson with your roomate and place a hat on its head. When it doesn't come to life, cry hysterically "it didn't work!"

Whip your roomate screaming "now Dasher, now Dancer, now Donner, and Blitzen, etc."

Tear down all your roomate's Christmas decorations yelling "Bah Humbug!"

Wake up every morning screaming "Ghost of Christmas Future, please have mercy on my soul!"

Tell your roomate you're moving out. Santa's buying you a house on 34th Street.

Pin a pointsetta to your lapel.

Make anatomically correct gingerbread people and eat the best parts first.

Put on a fake white beard and insist that all your roomate's friends "give it a yank."

Ring jingle bells maniacally saying "every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings."

Stand in front of the mirror reciting "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" over and over in your underwear.

Smoke mistle-toe. Do what comes naturaly.

Watch your roomate when s/he is sleeping. When s/he wakes up sing, "he sees you when you're sleeping..."

Steal a life size nativity scene and display it in your room. When your roomate asks, tell him/her "I had to let them stay here, there's no room at the inn."

When your roomate goes to the bathroom, rearrange his/her posessions. Tell him/her that Santa's elves must have done it.

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Northpole Standoff

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Dec. 23, 1994
Northpole Standoff
A fierce battle ended in a stand-off today as a multi-jurisdictional task force of federal law enforcement agents tried to arrest the leader of a militant doomsday cult, who call themselves "Elves," living in a heavily fortified compound at the Northpole. According to witnesses, federal agents hid in livestock trailers as they drove up to the compound.

The approach was difficult in the snow using wheeled vehicles. Several agents were reportedly thrown from the trailer when it hit a snowbank. The agents were unable to use dogteams and sleds because the ATF agents shot all the dogs during training at a nearby recreational facility where agents had practiced for weeks on a mock-up of the compound in preparation for the raid.

As three National Guard helicopters approached, over 100 law officers stormed the main compound, a heavily fortified gingerbread structure, throwing concussion grenades and screaming "Come out!" Cult members and law officers negotiated a cease-fire about 45 minutes after the incident began.

For the next several hours, ambulances and helicopters swarmed the premises. The area was cordoned off and ATF agents with machine guns were posted in the roadways to keep reporters at least two miles from the main battle area.

In a lengthy report on the group Saturday, The Northpole Tribune-Herald said that the cult was known to have a large arsenal of high-powered weapons, probably produced in a workshop disguised as a "toy factory." This toy factory is also believed to be the sight of a mephamphetamine laboratory, according to sources inside the ATF.

The article quoted investigators as saying the crazed cult leader, who uses several aliases, "Santa Claus," "Saint Nick," "Sinterclaas," and "Saint Nicholas," age unknown, has abused children and claims to have at least 15 wives. Santa Claus denies these accusations of abuse and said he has had only one wife, Mrs. Santa Claus.

Authorities had a warrant to search the Northpole compound for guns and explosive devices and an arrest warrant for its leader, Santa Claus, said Mess Stanford of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms in Washington, D.C. Mr. Stanford added it would be useless to attempt to get a copy of this warrant, however, because it had been sealed, "for national security reasons."

The assault came one day after the Northpole Tribune-Herald began publishing a series on the cult, quoting former members as saying the deranged cult leader, Santa Claus, abused children and had at least 15 wives.

ATF spokesman Jack Killchildren in Washington said the assault had been planned for several weeks, although he added, "I think the newspaper's investigation set up heightened tension."

The cult's fortress, called "The Toy Factory," is dominated by a tower with lookout windows facing in all directions. Guards reportedly patrol the 77-acre grounds at night.

Attorney General Janet Reno ordered the raid after cult members refused to surrender documents relating to national security. A source inside the Justice Department said that the documents were lists of cabinet members and highly placed government officials who were naughty or nice. Despite preliminary, secret negotiations to obtain the list, the Elves refused to surrender the document to the Justice Department.

The raid was scheduled for December 23, because December 25 is believed to be a traditional cult holiday and all the militant elves would be engaged in cult rituals in preparation for the event.

At a press conference this afternoon, Attorney General Reno said, "These militants abuse children in the most vile manner, by teaching them to expect charity. They have even distributed free, working replicas of 'assault weapons' and 'handguns.' It is a matter of dire importance to our future and the future of all our children, that this peril be ended by every means at our disposal."

She went on to say that "I do not want to surround the compound and shoot everyone and then burn it to the ground in order to prevent this child abuse from occurring again, but that appears to be our only alternative."

According to Reno, the "Toy Factory" itself is a sweatshop and conditions inside were horrendous. The Department of Justice is also looking into allegations of animal cruelty. Former members of the cult have claimed that Santa Claus frequently uses leather restraints on at least eight reindeer, housed in sordid conditions on the compound. Witnesses reported seeing a reindeer with a protruding red nose, which Janet Reno said was further indication of the abusive conditions inside the compound.

Several of the elves were reported by the BATF to have been carrying automatic weapons. However, independant sources dispute this, claiming that the "automatic weapons" were nothing more than large candy canes.

ATF leader Ted Oyster, shaken after the ordeal, spoke to reporters as hundreds of agents, many of them in tears, were taken away from the Northpole in military airlifts, ambulances, and private vehicles.

"We had our plan down, we had our diversion down, and they were waiting..." Oyster said resignedly, shaking his head.

A hospital spokesman said that most of the wounded ATF agents appeared to be suffering from shrapnel wounds from broken candy canes, as well as frostbite, apparently suffered from wearing forest-green camoflage in the wintery terrain.

Attorney General Reno offered no comment on these reports.

Mack "the knife" McWarty was seen strolling across the White House lawn, chuckling to himself as he read what inside sources say was a copy of the naughty/nice list.

One highly placed government official was found dead in Marcy Park. His name and the cause of death are unknown at this time, however, the White House immediately issued a statement claiming the official had committed suicide after learning his name was not on the nice list.

Patsy Thomahawk refused to comment on the advice of her attorney on whether she had any part in removing copies of the naughty/nice list from a safe in the White House.

A spokesman from the MJTF said that it was indeed a tragedy that Santa Claus had caused this confrontation, but this should be a lesson to anyone who tries to give to everyone without permission from the welfare department, and that gathering sensitive data without a permit from official sources will be stopped by any means.

FBI spokesman Bob Pricks, the former national Abortion Poster Child of 1944, relayed that "We are dealing with a madman. We have cut off all electricity, water, and communications to the compound. Santa Claus has demanded that we relay a message to the world. It reads, 'Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.' FBI psychological experts are presently analyzing the message, however, preliminary reports indicate this is an encrypted threat to invade the neighboring towns near the Northpole. It may also be a doomsday message that the cult intends to commit suicide, like Jonestown."

Shortly after the raid, a smiling Reno was seen strolling through the pile of rubbish looking for anatomically correct Barbie dolls. She claimed that she was going to confiscate any that she found as "evidence" and that they were for a personal investigation that she was conducting.

Attorney General Reno also disclosed some information about plans to raid Mr. E. Ster Bunny sometime next spring. According to the FBI's report on Mr. Bunny, he has been hording food all year. This is in direct violation of a secret Presidential Directive. "This ingratitude for everything that we have done will stop, even if it means raiding every house in the USA to enforce these new laws that were made to insure your freedom...." Reno said.

This, boys and girls, should make us all sleep just a little bit better tonight. The government will protect us from overindulging in freedom. If they didn't step in and take control of that "naughty/nice" list, just think what shape we might be in.....

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Jesus and the Elves

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And Joseph went up from Galilee to Bethlehem with Mary, his espoused wife, who was great with child. And she brought forth a son and wrapped him in swaddling clothes and laid him in a manger because there was no room for them in the inn. And the angel of the Lord spoke to the shepherds and said, "I bring you tidings of great joy. Unto you is born a Savior, which is Christ the Lord."

"There's a problem with the angel," said a Pharisee who happened to be strolling by. As he explained to Joseph, angels are widely regarded as religious symbols, and the stable was on public property where such symbols were not allowed to land or even hover.

"And I have to tell you, this whole thing looks to me very much like a Nativity scene," he said sadly. "That's a no-no, too." Joseph had a bright idea. "What if I put a couple of reindeer over there near the ox and ass?" he said, eager to avoid sectarian strife.

"That would definitely help," said the Pharisee, who knew as well as anyone that whenever a savior appeared, judges usually liked to be on the safe side and surround it with deer or woodland creatures of some sort. "Just to clinch it, throw in a candy cane and a couple of elves and snowmen, too," he said. "No court can resist that."

Mary asked, "What does my son's birth have to do with snowmen?" "Snowpersons," cried a young woman, changing the subject before it veered dangerously toward religion. Off to the side of the crowd, a Philistine was painting the Nativity scene. Mary complained that she and Joseph looked too tattered and worn in the picture. "Artistic license," he said. "I've got to show the plight of the haggard homeless in a greedy, uncaring society in winter," he quipped. "We're not haggard or homeless. The inn was just full," said Mary. "Whatever," said the painter.

Two women began to argue fiercely. One said she objected to Jesus' birth "because it privileged motherhood." The other scoffed at virgin births, but said that if they encouraged more attention to diversity in family forms and the rights of single mothers, well, then, she was all for them. "I'm not a single mother," Mary started to say, but she was cut off by a third woman who insisted that swaddling clothes are a form of child abuse, since they restrict the natural movement of babies.

With the arrival of 10 child advocates, all trained to spot infant abuse and manger rash, Mary and Joseph were pushed to the edge of the crowd, where arguments were breaking out over how many reindeer (or what mix of reindeer and seasonal sprites) had to be installed to compensate for the infant's unfortunate religious character.

An older man bustled up, bowling over two merchants, who had been busy debating whether an elf is the same as a fairy and whether the elf/fairy should be shaking hands with Jesus in the crib or merely standing to the side, jumping around like a sports mascot.

"I'd hold off on the reindeer," the man said, explaining that the use of asses and oxen as picturesque backdrops for Nativity scenes carries the subliminal message of human dominance. He passed out two leaflets, one denouncing manger births as invasions of animal space, the other arguing that stables are "penned environments" where animals are incarcerated against their will. He had no opinion about elves or candy canes.

Signs declaring "Free the Bethlehem 2" began to appear, referring to the obviously exploited ass and ox. Someone said the halo on Jesus' head was elitist. Mary was exasperated. "And what about you, old mother?" she said sharply to an elderly woman. "Are you here to attack the shepherds as prison guards for excluded species, maybe to complain that singing in Latin identifies us with our Roman oppressors, or just to say that I should have skipped patriarchal religiosity and joined some dumb new-age goddess religion?"

"None of the above," said the woman, "I just wanted to tell you that the Magi are here." Sure enough, the three wise men rode up. The crowd gasped, "They're all male!" And "Not very multicultural!" "Balthasar here is black," said one of the Magi. "Yes, but how many of you are gay or disabled?" someone shouted. A committee was quickly formed to find an impoverished lesbian wise-person among the halt and lame of Bethlehem.

A calm voice said, "Be of good cheer, Mary, you have done well and your son will change the world." At last, a sane person, Mary thought. She turned to see a radiant and confident female face. The woman spoke again: "There is one thing, though. Religious holidays are important, but can't we learn to celebrate them in ways that unite, not divide? For instance, instead of all this business about 'Gloria in excelsis Deo,' why not just 'Season's Greetings'?"

Mary said, "You mean my son has entered human history to deliver the message, 'Hello, it's winter'?" "That's harsh, Mary," said the woman. "Remember, your son could make it big in midwinter festivals, if he doesn't push the religion thing too far. Centuries from now, in nations yet unborn, people will give each other pricey gifts and have big office parties on his birthday. That's not chopped liver."

"Let me get back to you," Mary said.

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Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women.

Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women.
Follow these rules and you should have no problems.

Rule #1:
When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he
already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain.
As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Rule #2:
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word
ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George,
can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. Bye-the-way, are you through with my
3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3:
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent
ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear
view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

Rule #4:
Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes.
I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have
invented Jockey shorts.

Rule #5:
You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn
out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the
little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips,
and flips.

Rule #6:
Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a
cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer.

Rule #7:
Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant.
I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.

Rule #8:
Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple
of weeks, there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts.
Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why.

Rule #9:
Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box.
It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.

Rule #10:
Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber,
Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto
Parts and Sears Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It
doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto,eh? Must be
something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow!
Thanks.")

Rule #11:
Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue.
Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the
gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"

Rule #12:
Tickets to a sporting event are a smart gift. However, he will not
appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone
knows why.

Rule #13:
Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you
don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a
label maker.

Rule #14:
It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension
ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension
ladder. No one knows why.

Rule #15:
Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least
The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manila
rope. No one knows why.

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Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben a good boy all yeer.
YeR FReND,
BiLLy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to being a career lawncare specialist.
How 'bout I send you a fucking spelling book so you can learn to read and write?
I'm giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell!
Santa
********************
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace
and joy in the world for everybody! Love,
Sarah
Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
********************
Dear Santa,
I've written you for three years now asking for a fire truck. Please, I
really really want a fire truck this year!
Love,
Joey
Dear Joey,
Let me make it up to you. While you sleep, I'm gonna torch your house.
You'll have more fire trucks than you'll know what to do with.
Santa
********************
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my
mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Teddy
Dear Teddy,
What, and ruin that hot affair your dad's still having with the
babysitter? He's banging her like a screen door in a hurricane, son! Let
me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa
********************
Dear Santa,
I need more Pokemon cards please! All my friends have more Pokemon cards
than me. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Michelle
Dear Michelle,
It blows my damn mind. Kids are forcing their parents to buy hundreds of
dollars worth of these stupid cards, and none of you snot-nosed brats
are even learning to play the game. Let me get you something more your
speed, like "Chutes and Ladders." Santa
********************
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum
kit, a pony and a tuba. Love,
Francis
Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays?
Santa
********************
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for
your reindeer outside the backdoor. Love,
Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face. You
want to be a kiss-ass? Leave me a glass of Chivas Regal and some
Toblerone. Santa
********************
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making toys?
Your friend,
Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All toys get made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most
my time squeezing cocktail waitresses asses, and losing all my cash at
the craps table. Hey, YOU wanted to know!
Santa
********************
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake,
like in the song?
Love,
Jessica
Dear Jessica,
You are that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do, I'm skipping your
house...
Santa
********************
Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please PLEASE, Timmy
Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks,but that crap don't
work up here. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa
********************
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love,
Marky
Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky," that's why you're getting your ass
whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, that's a low-rent
apartment complex you're living in. Third, I get inside your pad just
like the boogeymen do, through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams!
Santa

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MASTER SMUGGLER SANTA CLAUS ARRESTED

DETROIT, MI -- Notorious international smuggler Santa Claus was taken
into custody near Detroit yesterday by agents of the U.S. Customs
Service.

Claus was at a suburban Detroit mall at the time of his arrest.
Authorities believe he was on a scouting mission in advance of illegally
bringing a massive shipment of goods into the country later this month.

Customs agents, aided by an FBI SWAT team, also arrested two of Claus'
assistants, and seized several reindeer and the smuggler's vehicle, a
sleigh, that had been on the roof of the mall.

Long a target of Customs officials, Claus has cleverly eluded capture in
the past, even while conducting bold annual visits to this country, in
which he ignores Customs regulations and dumps massive quantities of
foreign-made goods, mostly plastic toys manufactured in China.

In Washington, Customs Commissioner Raymond Kelly did little to conceal
his relief at the arrest of Claus.

"This guy has been a thorn in the side of Customs forever," said Kelly.
"Every year, he would tell us when he was coming, tell us what he would
be bringing, and tell us who he was going to deliver it to, but we still
couldn't nab him," he continued.

Having achieved a kind of folk-hero status among many Americans, Santa
Claus' capture was always made more difficult by a lack of cooperation
from the public in official attempts to apprehend him.

The rotund gangster, ironically nicknamed "Saint" Nick, has long been
celebrated in song and lore. Cleverly associating himself with the
annual Christmas holiday, Claus has doled out enough free gifts to keep
most of the general populace on his side.

"He bribed the public, in effect," explained Kelly, "with his free toys,
clothing, and gadgets of all kinds," he continued. "All over the
country, guys would dress up like him in the weeks prior to his delivery
run, letting him freely move among us undetected, plotting his
strategy."

The breakthrough in the case came when the Customs department was able
to successfully infiltrate an agent, disguised as an elf, into Claus'
base at the North Pole. The agent was able to notify officials in
advance of the smuggler's visit to the shopping mall where he was
finally arrested.

Claus was brought before a federal judge in Detroit today for
arraignment. He is being charged with 13 crimes, including bypassing
customs inspection, and failing to pay applicable tariffs or file proper
documentation on his imported goods.

He seemed solemn and subdued as he was taken into court. His only
remark overheard by reporters was made when he saw the agent who had
infiltrated his operation. "Oh my, you've been very naughty," said the
crimson-clad Claus.

Authorities have still apparently been unable to discover how Claus is
profiting from his runs into this country, but they believe there must
be other activities he engages in, such as drug running or money
laundering, under cover of his gift-giving.

"Hey, they got Al Capone on tax evasion," said Commissioner Kelly. "If
we can put Santa Claus behind bars for failing to have a passport, that
still leaves him unable to carry out whatever dastardly deeds we don't
know about, or can't prove yet."

Claus' troubles will not end with the charges being brought against him
by the Customs Service. Justice Department officials have expressed an
interest in charging him with anti-competitive market practices, and
with violations of the Civil Rights Act for discriminating against
non-Christians.

Then there are several multi-million dollar class-action civil suits
that lawyers say will probably be brought by homeowners trying to
collect for damage to their roofs, caused by Claus' reindeer and sleigh.

Several European countries are also expressing an interest in an
opportunity to put the smuggling kingpin on trial for similar crimes.

"I don't think we'll be hearing 'Ho, Ho, Ho' from this guy for a very
long time," said Kelly, laying his finger aside of his nose.

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Top Ten Signs Santa Doesn't Like Your Kid
10. Kid's letter to north pole comes back stamped, "Dream on, Chester!"
9. Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes
8. Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and handling
7. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left are styrofoam peanuts
6. Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a Reindeer head in his bed.
5. Instead of "Naughty" or "Nice", Santa has him on the dork list
4. Sends him off on one of them Carnival Cruises with Kathie Lee
3. First words when kid gets on his lap are,
"Touch my beard and I'll put the hurt on you."
2. Labels on all your kid's toys read "Straight from Craptown."
1. Four words: "Off my lap, Tubby!"

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Bicycle Safety Violation On Christmas Morning

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic
light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop
says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that
to you?"

The kid says, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on
that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00
bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the
way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to
you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick
underneath the horse, instead of on top."

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The Top 10 Christmas Phrases That Sound Dirty But Aren't:


10. Did you get any under the tree?

9. I think your balls are hanging too low.

8. Check out Rudolph's honker!

7. Santa's sack is really bulging.

6. Lift up the skirt so I can get a clean breath.

5. Did you get a piece of the fruitcake?

4. I love licking the end till it's really sharp and pointy.

3. From here you can't tell if they're artificial or real.

2. Can I interest you in some dark meat?

And the No.1 Christmas phrase that sounds dirty but isn't:

1. To get it to stand up straight, try propping it against the wall.

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