Mudflap
I.R. Jailer
Registered: Dec 2000
Location: Smith County
Posts: 1366 |
quote: Originally posted by aminal:
this is a joke please do not kick off a whole new anti-us thread *prays to god* 
1. You decide that the relationship with your partner is over. How
do you break the news you are leaving?
(a) Leave a tearful note on the table and slip quietly away
(b) Calmly discuss the reasons with your partner for your decision
(c) Attack them with a chair in front of a rabble of cheering
pumped-up inbreds on national television.
(d) Kill your partner and cash in on life insurance policy
2. You and your mates decide to have a game of football in the park.
What do you need to take?
(a) A ball
(b) A ball and 2 coats
(c) A ball 50 crash helmets, 4 tons of body armour, 20 cheerleaders,
a marching sousaphone band with a grand piano on a trolley, and a
team of orthopaedic surgeons specialising in spinal injuries.
We don't play football with our mates. Besides, you make (c) sound like it's a bad thing.
3. You are driving along a country road when you accidentally run
over a rabbit. What do you do?
(a) Stop and see how badly injured it is, taking it to a vet if it
is still alive
(b) Carry on driving, but hope it is still alive, or if not, that it
died quickly
(c) Strap it across the bonnet of your car and drive home hollering,
whooping and throwing empty Budweiser cans out of the window.
None of the above. Running over the rabbit was NOT an accident.
4. You wake up in the morning with a stiff neck after sleeping in an
awkward position. What do you do?
(a) Ignore it. It will probably loosen up as the day progresses. Also make a mental note not to share my bed with your wife.
(b) Take a couple of aspirins and get on with things.
(c) Take yourself to a prostitute-addicted TV evangelist faith healer
in an ill-fitting wig, who will lay his hands on your head, whilst
screaming about the devil in front of an audience of gibbering
inbreds.
5. What do you have for breakfast?
(a) A bowl of Cornflakes, slice of toast and a mug of tea
(b) Glass of orange juice, croissant and a cup of coffee
(c) A bag of donuts with ice cream, a 32 ounce steak with six eggs
sunny side-up, fifteen pancakes with maple syrup, ten waffles,
five corn dogs and a diet root beer.
Again, you make (c) sound like its a BAD thing!
6. You and your partner decide to take the plunge and get married.
What sort of ceremony do you have?
(a) A quiet party with a few friends in a registry office
(b) A church service followed by a traditional reception at a hotel
(c) A minute long mockery at a 24 hour drive-through chapel in Las
Vegas, presided over by a transvestite vicar dressed as Elvis.
Marriage? Strange concept.
7. Your 14-year-old son is going through a difficult phase, becoming
disruptive at school and reclusive at home. What do you do?
(a) Don't worry. Its just a phase and will pass.
(b) Encourage him to get out more, get involved in team sports or
join a youth club.
(c) Take him to an armoury and buy him an arsenal of semi-automatic
weapons and enough ammunition to slaughter a small town.
Beat the fuck out of the little punk for behaving like some toothless Brit. Set him back on the straight and narrow, resume life.
8. You fancy a night in watching something funny on TV. What kind of
comedy do you choose?
(a) A sitcom like Fawlty Towers or Father Ted
(b) A sketch show like the Two Ronnies or the Fast show
(c) A thinly disguised morality play set in a massive lounge where
the audience whoop for ten minutes every time an overpaid actor with
a superglued grin on his face makes an entrance to deliver a
lightweight wisecrack.
(d) WWF Smack Down. 
9. Whilst getting ready for bed, you stub your toe on your wife's
dressing table. What do you do?
(a) Shout and swear a bit, after all, it did hurt. Also known as "cussing."
(b) Make a mental note to move the table so it doesn't happen again
(c) Immediately call a hotshot lawyer with an uptown reputation, and
sue your wife's ass.
10. You are responsible for the USA's presidential electoral
process. Do you:
(a) Count all votes and declare a winner
(b) Count all votes and declare a winner
(c) Let the press declare who's won before the votes are counted;
then count only the votes which have been handed in by a deadline
whilst not checking if Bud, the hillbilly sheriff of nowheres-ville,
has left several thousand votes in the trunk of his Chevy 'by
mistake', then force a recount of only some of the votes within just
one state and allow only 12 seconds for the recount to take place;
then be amazed that the recount hasn't finished by the deadline and
increase the deadline by another 3.2 seconds; then ignore all votes
and let 4 judges decide the result, making sure the judges all
support the same candidate; then ponce around the world telling other
countries how to run their own elections.
(d) Find solace in the fact our ancestors had sense enough to separate from a nation governed by an oppressive, inbred monarchy.
Answers...
If you answered:
mostly (a)'s & (b)'s then you are a normal well-balanced
individual.mostly (c)'s then do the world a favour and shoot yourself
with the anti-tank weapon you carry in the glove-box of your pick-up
truck.
------------------------
Joeycat is my mom.
[This message has been edited by Mudflap (edited 12-01-2000).]
[This message has been edited by Mudflap (edited 12-01-2000).]
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