Registered: Dec 2008
Location: St Maries, ID, USA
Posts: 113

Kirsebær Buyigi
The growth

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Dec 2008
Location: St Maries, ID, USA
Posts: 113

I think your shit's broke, Tal.

Anyway, here's my post:

Told my buddy Matt about this last weekend. I guess I need to update all my most important friends...

Anyway, for many years I've had this... "growth," or something, on the lateral aspect of my right wrist. It's not particularly noticeable to the eye, but to the touch it's a raised, gristly, oblong area with the dermis over it scaly, dry and hardened compared to the surrounding skin.

Sometimes it gets very rough and raspy - like you could use it for sandpaper. Yidakina used to lotion it all the time - which didn't seem to do much good. She decided it was a psoriasis, or something, brought about by one, or a combination of, my medications. I always hoped I was growing a venomous spur there, like a platypus, to stab and poison my enemies with in a fight. Ha! Not that I gave it that much thought, though, really. Truth to tell, I have more serious body issues (external and internal), which are far more unsightly and uncomfortable than this little wrist nugget. I think you know what I'm talking about. And if you don't - thank your lucky stars, because the visual would probably make you throw up in your mouth a little. I would hate to be the cause of that happening. heh heh heh

Anyway, it's been a minor mystery for many years. Then a week or so back I was just sitting there daydreaming about... whatever (actually, I was thinking about muy thai fighters toughening their shins by slamming their legs into trees; and about the thick ass-callouses people who rode horseback all the time - like the Mongols, cowboys, etc - are supposed to develop, and it came to me that the "growth" really quite resembled a callous. But, what kind of activity would I be performing to form a callous there? .....? A-ha!

Eureka! It's all so obvious. Why didn't I fiigure it out before? It's an ass-wiping callous!

A callous? Yes. You see, I approach butt-wiping with much the same indelicate gusto as I do many other supposedly-precision physical tasks - say... adjusting my scrotum or pulling a rotten tooth. Many of my friends have seen me do both and they'll testify that these are not very pretty - and not very dainty - operations. Well, picture me red-faced, steely-eyed, teeth-gritted in a sumo squat with one hand thrusting back between my legs, apparently attempting to scratch between my shoulderblades. Of course, I need a fulcrum to get maximum leverage... I think you see where this is going (back on the mountain, I once scuffed all the paint off a wooden toilet seat - over a period of time, of course - in a neat groove doing this. I bet I could have eventually sawed it in half.).

At first I was taken a bit aback by this insight. I mean... who ever heard of a butt-wiping callous? It's almost embarassing as a concept, even. I tried looking it up on the internet - hoping against hope I wasn't some lone, butt-wiping freak. Maybe there are chatrooms for buttwipe callous people. Humorous and informative blogs and websites... Alas, Google, Dogpile, Ask Jeeves all shook their electronic heads in disbelief, having never heard of such shit, even with ALL THE INFORMATION IN THE WORLD at their disposal. What the fuck?

Then it occurred to me that this is a good thing, this callous. Why? Because it is incontrovertible proof that I, with much vigor and repetition, have been performing an act which my wife has - on more than one occasion, I might add - insinuated is beyond my intelligence, ingrained moral fiber and/or neuromuscular coordination.

In your Face, beeyotch! Where's YOUR ass-wiping callous? Huh? Huh? Don't have one? Then how do we know you even wipe at all? Nasty girl! At least I HAVE PHYSICAL PROOF that I do! Yeah, baby!

(insert superiority-flaunting victory dance here)

Guys - you know what I'm saying. Damned women just don't understand. It's always a bit frustrating when the "soft serve machine" won't quite shut off. Sure, at the all-you-can-cram-in-your-face buffet in the city they just stick a bowl under it to catch the drips, but bowls are uncomfortable - and noticeable - in levi's. And I'm sure I'm not the only one to practice oubliette origami by folding up a little paper "turd kotex" for those times when you KNOW the fat lady hasn't run out of breath in your ass - but you've run out of time (or reading material). And how often have we stood in the shower with one leg jacked up on the wall, twisting the showerhead to "engine grease removal" force (I took those fucking "low flow" cocksuckers out of all my plumbing the day I moved in, by God, so I have AWESOME water pressure in the shower, yo) and doing a Kafka-esque imitation of that carnival game where you try and shoot a stream into the the clown's little round mouth until his balloon brain explodes? Huh?

And Lord knows that, unless you're a fucking yoga master or ninja contortionist you gotta hang onto the rod/door frame at the top of the shower for balance, which means you are shooting Helen-fucking Kellar style at the "clown's mouth" while trying not to painfully batter the shit out of the "balloon of considerable delicacy" that's hanging there obstructing a straight shot...

Because, can't you just see it?...

quote:

---

"In tonight's news, Channel 4's obligatory American-born Asian chick reporter tells us about a local tragedy. Here's Wendy Jo Yamafukayatayatayata..."

"Bluce, they say 8-out-of-10 home fatarities occur in the bathloom. And once more, the famiree shittah has become the "Prace Of Shameful Death" in this North Idaho community. Corrrrer.... Caollonuh... The guy who checks out dead people has reareased his leeport and says that this man (screen flashes on on picture of me gloating over a roasted hog a few years back) fell in his showah while attempting to plessure wash dingerbellies from his delliere, knocking himself unconscious. Unfortunateree prugging the dlain with his freshy carcass, he dlowned in 3 inches of dingerbelly water. When will these men rearn to use toiret papah collectree?..." etc.

---

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Mar 2004
Location: USA
Posts: 32567

A splendidly poetic propounding of proctologically prima facie points, primarily pontificating on preceding prose of plaintive , but probably
parallel import.

Last edited by Trenchant_Troll on 12-17-2008 at 02:57 AM

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Dec 2008
Location: St Maries, ID, USA
Posts: 113

Happy to be in such excellent company! Ha! *back to reading*

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Jul 2000
Location: clinging desperately to my guns and religion gonna kill me some foreigners because i remember 9/11
Posts: 22460

Bunghole.

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Apr 2006
Location: behind you
Posts: 9563

you need to sponsor an exchange student from south east asia, and put them to work cleaning your asshole.

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Mar 2004
Location: USA
Posts: 32567

quote:

---

Originally posted by SocialParasite
Bunghole.

---

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Jul 2000
Location: clinging desperately to my guns and religion gonna kill me some foreigners because i remember 9/11
Posts: 22460

quote:

---

Originally posted by Trenchant_Troll
Nobody hollered role call, you corpulent cloud chaser.

---

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Mar 2004
Location: USA
Posts: 32567

Actually, you will go to bed the same way you woke up: fat, alone, and wondering why your sheets smell like aged cheese.

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Jul 2000
Location: clinging desperately to my guns and religion gonna kill me some foreigners because i remember 9/11
Posts: 22460

quote:

---

Originally posted by Trenchant_Troll
Actually, you will go to bed the same way you woke up: fat, alone, and wondering why your sheets smell like aged cheese.

---

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Mar 2004
Location: USA
Posts: 32567

And here I thought you had rejoined that slug-shaped dent on your mattress, shrouded in the yellowed bedclothes of your slumbering sex life.

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Jul 2000
Location: clinging desperately to my guns and religion gonna kill me some foreigners because i remember 9/11
Posts: 22460

quote:

---

Originally posted by Trenchant_Troll
And here I thought you had rejoined that slug-shaped dent on your mattress, shrouded in the yellowed bedclothes of your slumbering sex life.

---

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Apr 2004
Location: Hadal
Posts: 16819

Take it to PDM, fellas.

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Dec 2002
Location:
Posts: 21047

Do yourself a favor, Cherry, and hie yourself forth unto the hardware store plumbing section. There select and purchase a hand-held shower massager - which you can do for less than $20. Installation requires one tool - an adjustable wrench - and takes perhaps 5 minutes.

Your wife will love you for it, and will start taking much longer showers. Don't be concerned by the moans, squeals, and guttural calls upon God during these. For yourself you will find it greatly facilitates thorough cleansing of the difficult bits.

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Sep 2006
Location: St Maries, ID
Posts: 8176

Got one. Could never do the clown-mouth routine without it. heh I know now, too, that if I'm ever again in a room with a bidet, I'm going to try that bad boy out.

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Mar 2004
Location: USA
Posts: 32567

quote:

---

Originally posted by Coincidence
Take it to PDM, fellas.

---

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Jul 2000
Location: clinging desperately to my guns and religion gonna kill me some foreigners because i remember 9/11
Posts: 22460

Good to see you're still alive, Cherry. Your cooking style is interesting (if double bypass inducing).

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Sep 2006
Location: St Maries, ID
Posts: 8176

You're very kind, SP, as usual. It's nice to see you again.

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Mar 2004
Location: USA
Posts: 32567

Fat people stick together. Literally.

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Jan 2001
Location: Denver
Posts: 21689

I dunno, some times they just rebound and it gets really ugly.

-m

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Jul 2001
Location: Disgusting den of creepitude
Posts: 14393

That callous thing sounds like the opposite of a hemerroid.

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged