Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Essex, England
Posts: 4523

Stop me if you've heard this....

I'm bored - time for some more jokes.

The Pro-Am Golf competition is taking place in Wicklow and two amateurs are having a conversation on the first tee. The first, in a very posh voice says; 'I've reserved a rather lovely suite in the Grand Hotel. Where are you staying for the duration, old boy?'
'Jaysus, Oi'm sleepin' in the back o' me Morris Minor in the Golf Club car-park.'
'Really, That must be rather uncomfy', says the toff.
'No, not a bit of it. Oi've a lovely king-sized double bed in the back.'
'Good Lord! Really? I have a colour TV and a bar in the back of my Rolls, but no bed.'
'Well, ye'd want to get one! They're the business!', says the other fellow.
A year later, back at the Pro-Am competition n Wicklow, the toff glides up in his Rolls Royce and enters the Clubhouse looking for the chap in the Morris Minor. The steward directs him to the far corner of the car park.
There he finds the old grey Morris, windows all steamed up, rocking back and forth frenetically on its springs. Politely, he taps on the window. A moment later the window is wound down and other fellow appears looking sweaty and dishevelled.
'Hello, old boy!', says the toff. 'I just popped by to tell you I've had a bed fitted in the back of the Roller.'
The other fellow looks at him in disbelief and says;
'You got me out of the fuckin' Jacuzzi to tell me THAT!?!?!?'




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I don't have to sell my soul,
He's already in me.
*
Stellar ownz me!!!

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Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Essex, England
Posts: 4523

A man comes into work on a Monday with a black eye and his fellow workers ask him what happened. "Well, I was in church yesterday and a young woman came in wearing a summer dress and sat in the seat in front of me. When she stood up the dress was caught between the cheeks of her bum so I leaned forward and plucked it out and she hit me".
The next Monday he comes in with 2 black eyes and explains: "I was in church yesterday and the same young woman in the same dress sat in front of me. When she stood up her dress was caught between the cheeks of her bum again and the man beside me leaned forward and plucked it out. I knew she didn't like that though so I pushed it in again"


------------------------
I don't have to sell my soul,
He's already in me.
*
Stellar ownz me!!!

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Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Essex, England
Posts: 4523

The Origin of 'WOMAN'
One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem."
"What's the problem, Adam?", God replies.
Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy"
"Why is that, Adam?", comes the reply from the heavens.
"Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."
"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a 'woman' for you."
"What's a 'woman', Lord?"
"This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy.
Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will un- questioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you.", replies the heavenly voice.
"Sounds great."
"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."
"How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?", Adam replies.
"She'll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, an ear, and your left testicle."
Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam says to God, "Ehhh, what can I get for a rib?"


------------------------
I don't have to sell my soul,
He's already in me.
*
Stellar ownz me!!!

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Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Essex, England
Posts: 4523

Q. What's black and white and eats like a horse?
A. A zebra!

Q. What do you call an Irish Lesbian?
A. Gaelic!

Q. How do you make your girlfriend cry while having sex?
A. Phone her up

Q. Why was Jesus not born in the USA?
A. Because they couldn’t find three wise men and a Virgin!




------------------------
I don't have to sell my soul,
He's already in me.
*
Stellar ownz me!!!

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Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Essex, England
Posts: 4523

What happened to Jesus when he went to Mount Olive?
Popeye kicked the fuck out of him .





------------------------
I don't have to sell my soul,
He's already in me.
*
Stellar ownz me!!!

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Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Essex, England
Posts: 4523

You can even join in if you like....

------------------------
I don't have to sell my soul,
He's already in me.
*
Stellar ownz me!!!

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Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Essex, England
Posts: 4523

A Russian, an American and an Irishman are sitting in a bar arguing who has the greatest nation. "Russia is the greatest nation" proclaims the Russian, "We were the first into Orbit" "No way, the USA is the greatest, we were the first on the moon" replies the American proudly. The Irishman then stands up and says "Ireland are the greatest nation of all, we are going to be the first on the sun" "But you'll be fried you idiot" reply the other two To which the Irishman retorts..."What do you think we are, stupid? We're going at night!"


------------------------
I don't have to sell my soul,
He's already in me.
*
Stellar ownz me!!!

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Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Essex, England
Posts: 4523

Q. What's Australian for foreplay?
A. Are you awake?

Q. What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead policeman in the road?
A. There are skid marks in front of the dog.


------------------------
I don't have to sell my soul,
He's already in me.
*
Stellar ownz me!!!

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Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Essex, England
Posts: 4523

Did you hear about the blind man who got a cheese grater for Christmas?
He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read!


------------------------
I don't have to sell my soul,
He's already in me.
*
Stellar ownz me!!!

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Registered: Aug 2000
Location: GA
Posts: 6969

your jokes always make me giggle Rav.

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I AM THE POST MONSTER!!!
RRRRAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**sweet surrender**

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Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Essex, England
Posts: 4523

quote:

---

Originally posted by Princess_Chelle:
your jokes always make me giggle Rav.

---

Awwww thanks Chelle

[whispers]Is this just cause I asked you to laugh?[/whispers]


------------------------
I don't have to sell my soul,
He's already in me.
*
Stellar ownz me!!!

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Registered: Aug 2000
Location: GA
Posts: 6969

no, i actually posted this before i read the other thread.


------------------------



I AM THE POST MONSTER!!!
RRRRAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**sweet surrender**

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