Registered: Jul 2000
Location:
Posts: 4501

What the hell is marriage anyway?

Over the past year or so, I've been re-evaluating my entire stance on marriage. I went from being the type who thought you always had to be in love with the person to the type who thought you should both get something out of it (not material, but abstract). Now I'm stuck somewhere in between. I don't know what the hell to think anymore, and believe me, I've been on the verge of it myself and have observed many, many marriages (granted, from the outside-observer stance) that range from wretched to fabulous.

It's not that I'm on the market any time soon, thank God, but...eventually I may be in the position again to reconsider what effect it will have on my life and those around me. I've begun to think about the implications, and to try to compile what would be, for me, an ideal situation. Does this sound too demanding?

-someone who can adapt to change within a reasonable amount of time (as in, move, financial situation change, etc)
-someone who actually enjoys sex
-someone who is not anti-intellectual, but who is not part of a university scene (or if they are, they take a similar stance to me: the university is not the end-all, be-all of the world)
-a critical thinker, skeptic, who is not unwilling periodically to suspend judgement and delve into faith alone
-someone who believes in doing good things for others, but not sacrificing themself too much at that expense
-someone who is self-aware, and constantly seeking to understand themself
-of course, love
-doesn't want children, but loves animals
-content with living in the country

Sometimes, it just seems to be impossible. I'll meet people with one characteristic, but none of the others. I suppose I think about this a lot now because I'm the oldest unmarried female in my family, and the pressure is on. I've purposely put off any entertainment of the possibility of marriage because I don't want to rush into a bad decision, under the influence of family and friends.

I've seen so many matches fall apart due to small issues, small misunderstandings that build up over time. I've seen even more fall apart due to lack of self-awareness and awareness of how the other person feels or sees things.

How do we all get to the point where we are so self-involved that true companionship and communication become next-to-impossible? I'm trying to understand it from my last relationship, and I can't. Not completely. That disturbs me.

So, for those of you who are married or unmarried, thinking of similar things, what are your thoughts on this? What creates a good marriage (or life partnership) and what kills it?

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Deny closure. Honor ambiguity.

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Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Beatrice, Nebraska
Posts: 18808

Now, if you lived in the state of Nebraska, you wouldn't have to ask what marriage is. We foolishly passed a bill that legally defined what marriage is in a way that gays can't get married, and people of the same sex can't even go into a buisiness partnership together.

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Have a good day, and if you feel like subjecting your genitals to high doses of x-ray radiation I'm sure the world will kindly thank you.

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Registered: Jul 2000
Location:
Posts: 7236

quote:

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Originally posted by SocialParasite:
Now, if you lived in the state of Nebraska, you wouldn't have to ask what marriage is. We foolishly passed a bill that legally defined what marriage is in a way that gays can't get married, and people of the same sex can't even go into a buisiness partnership together.

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Registered: Aug 2000
Location: Nanaimo, BC
Posts: 1122

Those with sense know that you marry your best friend of the opposite sex, rather than a lover. Whether you and your best friend have sex or not periodically is just a matter of happenstance, and shouldn't be taken seriously.

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Dreamin' of... that face again.

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Registered: Jan 2001
Location: Van Diemen's Land.
Posts: 3607

Bunkum.

There is no such thing as the perfect human, much less the god you have described above.

I believe, in my humble opinion, that in order for a good marriage to occur, there has to be a mixture of love for one another, and the ability to adapt to the others needs and imperfection, and ultimately overlook them.

Besides, you have CAL; why do you need anyone else?


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Competence, like truth, beauty and contact lenses, is in the eye of the beholder.
- Laurence J. Peter

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Registered: Aug 2000
Location: Cambridge
Posts: 7113

alittle bit off topic but according to this book and article, marriage makes sex and money making better! (seperate ) http://www.worldnetdaily.com/news/a...RTICLE_ID=21508

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Will accept plush toys as bribes.

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Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Los Angeles, Ca
Posts: 2109

quote:

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Originally posted by A.D.H.D:
Besides, you have CAL; why do you need anyone else?

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Okay, let me be the first to say. Bunkum and I are merely friends. Oh I begged her to let me move to IL and sleep on the floor next to her bed, but alas, she was not keen to the idea (she already has 2 dogs that do that now; was her response). I knew I couldn't be so lucky, but it was worth a shot.

I won't post my thoughts until I read some more. My opinion on marriage changes with my moods.

Back to lurking (on this thread anyways)...

CAL


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"The desert is my church, and hunting is my god."

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Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Beatrice, Nebraska
Posts: 18808

quote:

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Originally posted by Spooky:
Is that true about Business Partnerships?

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Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Sedona, Arizona
Posts: 19114

By my experience, marraige is where you find someone you like and sign a contract with them whereas when you decide that you dont like them after all, they get all your shit and then later on, come back and want the new shit you have gotten since you split up and whatever money you have so they can support their musician boyfriend properly.

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Don't argue with me.

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Registered: Jul 2000
Location:
Posts: 1606

Marriage=Completion

If you pick the right one, of course.

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Registered: Aug 2000
Location: GA
Posts: 6969

marriage is me busting my ass, cooking, cleaning, raising kids in exchange for my husband busting his ass to support us.


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"Men are all alike--except the one you've met who's different."-Mae West

"Brains are an asset to the woman in love who's smart enough to hide 'em."- also Mae West

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Registered: Nov 2000
Location: Gehenna
Posts: 1018

Marriage is a wonderful instituion. Who wants to live in an institution?

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What you would kill to see brings out the GOD in me.

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Registered: Aug 2000
Location: albany
Posts: 1386

I have to agree with wonders analisys of marriage.Ijust want to add to that-
IT'S ALWAYS THE WOMENS FAULT
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bunch of coniving whores they are,yes sir

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Registered: Oct 2000
Location: canadian rockies
Posts: 1526

quote:

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Originally posted by Princess_Chelle:
marriage is me busting my ass, cooking, cleaning, raising kids in exchange for my husband busting his ass to support us.

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Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Los Angeles, Ca
Posts: 2109

Well, having been there let me start by saying I'm not completely against trying it again. I'm not going to let one woman (my ex) change my thoughts on love, relationships and marriage. She did teach me a couple of things that make me think your wishes aren't too demanding.

You have to be friends. Friends share the same interests, care for the same things. You have to enjoy eachother's company as well, without that you will get bored real fast. Things like intellect and sex fall into that catagory. Most importantly, you must be satisfied with yourself. If you aren't, you are bound to leave it up to the other person to make up the difference, trying to do that gets old.

I think the biggest problem I had with my ex is that I'm somewhat of a loner. I enjoy being by myself when I go on trips, or curling up with a book at home. Maybe I haven't found the right woman who can enjoy that with me, but it's hard to leave something you're so comfortable with.

When I leave Los Angeles and get up to the mountains, we'll find eachother. We'll make a go of it, maybe it will work, maybe it won't, but that won't prevent me from trying it again. Love comes and goes, but being "in love" is what will prevail, regardless...

Bunkum, he's out there don't give up on it yet and when it does come along, don't analize it so damn much...

Now, i'm gonna grab some snacks, pull the shades and watch the whole "Lonesome Dove" (6.5 hours) movie today. Any women out there want to join me? That's what I thought...

CAL

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"The desert is my church, and hunting is my god."

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Registered: Jul 2000
Location:
Posts: 1606

6.5 hours?
Is there any kung fu?

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Registered: Jul 2000
Location:
Posts: 4501

Ahh, I have yet to see Lonesome Dove, but it comes highly recommended.

I know my biggest problem is that I'm overly analytical. It comes from reading too much Victorian literature, I think.

The solitude thing makes sense...nothing worse than having someone hang all over you begging to be entertained. On the other hand, nothing worse than being ignored or feeling awkward about disturbing a loved one when attention is needed.

We're all such capricious creatures; I sometimes wonder how anyone finds anyone else at all.



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Deny closure. Honor ambiguity.

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Registered: Nov 2000
Location: Burleson, Texas
Posts: 520

I have seen marriages fall apart after a short time ... and watched my Brother and his wife of almost 45 years grow togather... now I don't pretend to KNOW anything here on this subject.... but have learned {I hope} from my past ...

1. "The Thing".... there seems to be some sort of magic ... which transends SEX... or anything on this plane of exsistance!!! ... watch people truly in love... they DO NOT have to even say a word--- it is the look!!! a glance..!!! like they have their own language... VERY powerful thing it is!!! so EM is RIGHT {don't tell her I said so though} selfish people can't have that "thing"... because who wants to be valnerable around someone who takes advantage of such a great gift...??? It is a POWER of KNOWING your beloved!!! I watch my brother and his wife for years --- togather .. they have survived many things in marriage which I did not!!! --- there is a feeling in the air when I am in the same room with them togather... call me crazy... I think it is the coffee or something... but you just know that they are truly IN LOVE!!! ... and THEY Both KNOW that their greatest gift to eachother is each ones LOVE for the other...

2. I have a LOVE in my life today... and I PRAY every day that I won't let her down!!! ... that I won't become SELFISH... that I won't DENY her needs... or those things which are a part of her... that I can always be true to our love... and be her greatest gift.... and in that... WE togather can unite to care for one anothers gift of love --- it is sad... but I know I am just a guy... and human... I will make mistakes... I will stumble... fall and get back up again... but it seems much easier when I focus on how I can be of service to her needs... and help her... I don't know why or how--- but it seems that all that and much... much more comes back to me from my beloved...!!!

I wonder do we humans love for ourselves... because it feels good??? or do we love... for loves sake...??? because it {LOVE} is right and good???

I do know {TODAY} that in the face of life's little turns and adversity --- I feel different inside... I feel SPECIAL... that I do matter... that I feel complete and whole... and that is because my beloved is teaching me how to LOVE her... and invites me to be a part of her life.... and in that... I want to give even more.... I am a wealthy man for having this person in my life... and my life will never be the same again... If that is selfish... so be it!!! Because everything looks brighter {mostly because of her smile} --- and good is growing all around us. I could be wrong again... but even the kids and pets seem better...

I don't know if any of this makes any sense to anyone but me...

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"Each of us is an Unlimited Idea of Freedom"
(From: Jonathan Livingston Seagull)
- Richard Bach -

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Registered: Oct 2000
Location: Texas
Posts: 2593

oH MY!!! who let IBeFree in here???? *wipes tears away*

Ok, that was beautiful, now will you service my needs??? hehehehee

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Here????? Now??????

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Registered: Aug 2000
Location: the heart of an awl
Posts: 3692

quote:

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Originally posted by splAt:
6.5 hours?
Is there any kung fu?

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Registered: Jul 2000
Location:
Posts: 4501

I'm starting to feel cynical again.

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Deny closure. Honor ambiguity.

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Registered: Oct 2000
Location: Texas
Posts: 2593

Sometimes, what something IS and what it SHOULD BE, are two different things.

Marriage was meant to be an unconditional union of love between two people where selfishness cannot endure.

Selflessness is the root of unconditional love......
Selfishness IS the root of all evil, IMHO.

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Here????? Now??????

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Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Sedona, Arizona
Posts: 19114

Ohhhh... my ex is evil? I thought she was just to lazy to get a job.

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Don't argue with me.

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