Registered: Feb 2001
Location: soon to be scotland!
Posts: 28

A note from paintchips' sister(I see red)

Hey, this Brad's sister, Kate Armstrong. Anyone whom read the post "I see red," has learned so much about me, and I found it necessary for me to rebuttle, well sort of. I just want to make sure everyone knows my side I guess.
Alright, I begun self injuring when I was 14, mostly cutting, but burning and punching things happened as well. The article was written a few months after my completion at the SAFE program in Chicago (which I attended in March/April 2000), which yes is a hospital specifically for self injurers. I was clean up until August 2000 when I had an isolated relapse that was yes pretty major. The article posted came out in October 2000.
Unlike my brothers statement, that I am still an active cutter, I have been clean since that one relapse..almost five and a half months.
To this date, Brad and I have never had an extensive conversation about my self injury, because he's not as easy to talk to as he leads on.
So why cutting?
I wouldn't say may life has been great, but yes I have had a decent one. My depression etc stareted when my parents divorced and we moved from NY to KS. It's not a memory that I was daddy's little girl. The real story is that I idolized my father for some odd reason, and when he left our family, I was upset because I never was able to be daddy's little girl, as I had dreamed of. I wanted to be perfect for him and I conjured up this whole theory that if I was smart enough, thin enough, etc that he would come back and I could some how relive a childhood where I was daddy's little girl. I never have claimed to come op with good ideas. One day I just randomly picked up a knife and cut my stomach. I felt better for a reason I didn't understand at that time. But because I got that "better" feeling I did it again. Once I realized that if I cut I didn't have to feel things, I started doing it daily. Pissed off, cut, depressed, cut, lonely, cut....it took care of every unwanted feeling I had. I also cut to punish myself for eating too much or getting a bad grade etc..I was hooked.
It stopped for awhile after my first hospitilization (forced). It started up again when I was 17, after an array of events happened involving a 52 yr old man, I started again. That man is currently in jail.
I'll be the first to admit that I don't have a good or even proper self inmage...still don't. Perhaps part of it was my mom helping me diet from 13 on, or perhaps it was that my brother's liked to call me "fat, ugly bitch" when we fought (the last time that happened though I was 18, and I called Brad an alcoholic first..so it goes). Cocurrent with my cutting I developed bulima, whitch is actually very common among self injurers. Anyone whom knows about eating disorders knows that self image gets worse as the eating disorder progresses, regardless of outside input. So it got worse, cutting, purging everything. I currently have no supscriptions to beauty magazines, only had about three total all through highschool, but yes I do love them, always have and I know they don't provide me with good lessons.
I've been to the hospital 7 times, 3 of witch were forced, and yeah it kinda of is like a vacation....people go places all the time to revitilize their mental status, so I found a way that my insurance pays for it instead of my summer job hehe. And instead of melting my troubles away in the sun, I went to group therapy.
I haven't been on an actual "date" in three years. The last four boys I was seeing didn't know a thing about my mental history, other then that I had depression. It's funny, cause in the past I have actually stopped relationships on the fact that I was too scared of them knowing about my mental history. I have told a couple guys upon first meeting about cutting. Two to be exact, because well, they openly saw all my scars, and I have quite a few when my clothes are off, and what else do you say? My scars are far beyond me owning a cat. Just for the record, I've only been "dumped once" and it wasn't because I was fat.
I've never been diagnosed with scizophernia. I've had the same diagnosis for about three years now.
The most amount of pills I have ever been on is 22 pills a day, which yes is still quite a bit. Currently, I take 1, a multivitamin.
They wanted to do electric covulsion therapy before I was ever placed on medications.
I don't tell Brad hardly anything. And to think that I can come with him with anything is also false....I think his article proved that.
I will say that yes I chose every behavior I have ever engaged in. I also chose to stop. Brad is correct to think of cutting like a drug addiction. My exacto knife was just like Brad's coke and his alcohol.
This by now means is the full story of my cutting experience, I don't really feel the need to go into a detailed account because I have a notion that Brad will probably spoof this post as it is. It's a shame when someone takes a really scary experience of a "loved one" and without their persmission displays it on a website. That was pretty low Brad, especially since you were the one that gave me the address and told me to check out this place. I'm sorry that I have told my friends about what a great writer you are and talked up this site to them as well....cause currently I'm certainly not proud.

To all the others whom are perhaps interested in learning my opinions on how to help a loved one who is cutting, or to help yourself, or to learn more about the reasons behind my cutting feel free to email me at kato38@excite.com

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Registered: Jul 2000
Location: seattle-ish
Posts: 11818

hi kate.
nice to see you here.
brads sleeping right now, but Im sure he'll see this when he gets up.
Regardless of what he may have said that may have upset you, I hope you stick around.



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http://asylumnation.com/karen
how very "not guilty" of you!

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Registered: Jul 2000
Location: sydney
Posts: 2202

i havent read paints post but i think you have every right to be mad with him. on the other hand , think about it. you set things right where he may have been wrong. dont you hope at least a little that adressing this subject may help others who are in the same position ?
anyways , i hope you stay and contribute to this site eventhough your start may be not too good and you might think people have gotten a wrong impression of you.
welcome !!!!

and dont cut yourself

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|§¤*~`~*¤§§¤*~`~*¤§¤*~`~*¤§¤*~`~*¤ -=¯=--=¯=- §¤*~`~*¤§¤*~`~*¤§¤*~`~*¤§¤*~`~*¤§

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Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Beyond Mason-Dixon Line
Posts: 17060

Welcome, sensirific, welcome. Amen.

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Registered: Nov 2000
Location: Gehenna
Posts: 1018

Welcome, Kate. I too hope that you stick around.

I think you do your brother a grave disservice by sayiong that he's going to tear your post apart. He usually reserves the worst of the brutality for ME, and since he hasn't had occasion to brutalize me lately, or make me look like an asshole, I think you're safe. He can skip yours safely and jump right in here on me.

By the way, there are people in this Forum whose lives make yours look normal and rosy by comparison, and we love them too. You're hardly a freak, based on the experiences that you have thus far related, but freaks are welcome here. That's why I'M here, in fact.

Paint CHiPS is poopyhead.

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What you would kill to see brings out the GOD in me.

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Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Erehwon
Posts: 7548

quote:

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Originally posted by RogueWarrior:
By the way, there are people in this Forum whose lives make yours look normal and rosy by comparison, and we love them too

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Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Sydney
Posts: 2570

I agree with ig, Kate. I don’t really know much about cutting at all, but it seems many people have the same problem. As I've said before, I don’t really know anyone who doesn’t abuse him/herself in some way. You sound like you have much experience and wisdom learned the hard way that me, and others, would find really valuable. I hope you aren’t too angry with your brother. Maybe it was a fate call.
Welcome!!

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Registered: Jul 2000
Location: my mother's bloody womb
Posts: 7234

first, welcome to the asylum. second...
i just read your brother's post again, and to me, it seemed he spent more time tearing himself down than he did saying bad things about you. everything he said was an honest, heartfelt description of the problems you have had, from his point of view.
when a family member has an illness, whether it be physical or mental, it's not just their problem. it's the family's problem. he may not feel the pain of the knife going through his skin, or the feeling of self-loathing that engulfs someone with an eating disorder. for him it is much more frustrating. he has to watch someone he loves very much cope with these problems, and there's nothing he can do to stop it. how helpless must he feel? how powerless?
he's opened his heart in order for others to feel ok about talking about a subject they may normally get critisized for elsewhere. he's doing the only thing he can- sharing his confusion, his pain, so that others may find the strength within them to find the help that they need.
when i read that post, i feel like brad tortures himself over the fact that he couldn't prevent this from happening to you. how guilty does he feel, going over past arguments in his head, reviewing the family situation, and how much of it does he eventually take on as his own burden?
i also think he posted it in the hope that maybe, just maybe, someone had an answer. or a remedy. something to pin some hope on.

he may be a little blunt about the way he presents things...but he's your brother. i think that by now you should know that he's like that, and that's just how he expresses himself. if you don't understand this...then maybe you can realize why he can't understand why you did this to yourself.




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Not everything is love, and not everything in this place is either forgiven or forgotten. - redguard@blackvault.com

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Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Sedona, Arizona
Posts: 19761

Ahhh welcome, I had a response but Morgana stole most of my words. I do remember when you had your episode last August. Your brother shared his feelings back then and they stuck.
Thanks for posting, I hope that there is some enlightenment for a few in here.

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Don't argue with me.

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Registered: Aug 2000
Location: GA
Posts: 6969

welcome kate.
i hope you stay


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"Men are all alike--except the one you've met who's different."-Mae West

"Brains are an asset to the woman in love who's smart enough to hide 'em."- also Mae West

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Registered: Oct 2000
Location:
Posts: 9670

Sounds like PC needs a slap Welcome Kate, stick around and have fun. Glad to hear you stopped cutting yourself, sounds like something Eminem would do. If you do it again I'll take you on a date (Which is a punishment btw)

Regards
Dacarlo (Fatboy extraordinaire and all round "Special" guy)

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When you get to the end
of the light that you know, and there's only
darkness in front of
you, faith is knowing
that there will either
be something solid to
stand on, or you will be
taught how to fly.

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Registered: Jul 2000
Location: A New England
Posts: 9187

I knew a guy once who was into self mutilation.

He drove into a kangaroo and died.

Not exactly enough evidence to start a trend, but my advice would be break for kangaroos.

We'd all feel pretty foolish if you had a kangaroo related accident that we could have helped prevented.

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A closed mouth gathers no feet.

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Registered: Jan 2001
Location: California
Posts: 4252

Great thread!

Sensirific is as good at writing as Paint!

Morganna was eloquent. How could we not read every word?

Sens, you will find your outside support group here every day. I think most of us are on more meds than that Multi. It is also great to hear about paint from someone who knows him.

Your brother is probably the most highly revered person here. We on the other hand would not miss an opportunity to toss a blanket over his head and beat the fuck out of him with bars of soap.

Please stay and let us know how you are doing.

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Woof.

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Registered: Jul 2000
Location: A New England
Posts: 9187

Lets keep the family spats at home lest this place turns into 'Days of our Lives'

Paint, you do sound like an ass in your post it must be said.

http://www.asylumnation.com/ubb/Forum1/HTML/006605.html

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A closed mouth gathers no feet.

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Registered: Jul 2000
Location: A New England
Posts: 9187

Thank you Dog Breath for the lesson on rimming.

I'm sure we all learnt something from you there.

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A closed mouth gathers no feet.

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Registered: Jan 2001
Location: California
Posts: 4252

quote:

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Originally posted by Goatboy:
Thank you Dog Breath for the lesson on rimming.

I'm sure we all learnt something from you there.

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Registered: Oct 2000
Location: Texas
Posts: 2593

Kate:

Please try not to stay angry with Paint. I, like Morgana have re-read his post and am more than sure he didn't mean to say anything that would hurt you.

Paint's post, your post, and Morgana's together have made me reflect on my own situation with a brother.

I hope you stay and enlighten us with some whimsical tales of Paint's childhood.



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quote:

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"Em, we'll always have Kosovo...
okay." Bowmore

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Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Location Location
Posts: 26541

hahahahahahahahahahaha.

Hi Kate!

LURKER!!!!!

*pinches sensirific's cheeks*

I wuuuuuuuuub you.

morgana has it right, I wasn't really trying to be definitive, Kate, just to give my point of view. I thought it came across that way. Though had I thought you were going to read it, I would have been a lot less honest and blunt. And that, I think, would have been a disservice to the issue involved.

I stand by my post, though am really sorry you took offense to it. Consider it the non-informed judgemental reaction to it all on an anonymous message board in the middle of nowhere (as far as the internet is concerned at least) where not a soul knows you (until now). I was giving my reactions, and yes, many of my reactions to this are seat-of-my-pants and pretty uninformed. How can they not be? As I said in my post, it is a difficult issue to come to terms with, much less fully understand.

And as far as me being easy to talk to, like I said, I will listen to you anytime you choose to talk. I don't mean to judge you, though as my post may indicate, it is hard not to be a hypocritical ass on that point. But I will do my best. You have my undivided attention anytime you choose to utilize it. Know that.

But in any case, I got you to de-lurk didn't I? hehehehehehe. Man, I gave you this addy like 6 months ago. Damn you're saaaaaavy.

*pinchs sensirific's cheeks again*

I still wuuuuub you!

(BTW, if you're still really upset with me, e-mail me)

Oh, and if you get these guys to wrap me in a towel and beat me with soap, I may go Section 8 (and now that I think about it, that would be a great name for another forum).

Full....

Metal.....

JACKET!

*pinches sensirific's cheeks one more time for good measure*

I wuuuuuuuuub you!

And BTW....

Need a title?

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Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Location Location
Posts: 26541

Hey, what are you doing posting at 4:48 in the AM? That's like 6 in the morning your time (if your clock is fast).

I hope you're just waking up and not just going to bed, missy.

You have classes to go to!

*slaps sensirific's knuckles with a ruler*

Stay in school!

Don't do drugs!

Only YOU can prevent forest fires!

;p

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Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Beyond Mason-Dixon Line
Posts: 17060

quote:

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Originally posted by Emerald:
. . . I hope you stay and enlighten us with some whimsical tales of Paint's childhood.

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Yes, Kate, inquiring minds want to know. Specifically, we're wondering whether the hot-air gene was passed down through your family, or if Paint's a mutant. Amen.

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Registered: Sep 2000
Location: MA
Posts: 2728

This entire thread makes me wish I could convince my sister to post here.

Kate, welcome here. Please do stay! You're not alone as being a reformed cutter, and we can be a great support group (for any sorts of personal problems). I also think it's very interesting, that I read your article when it first appeared in the magazine, and I was dealing with cutting at that time. Small world I guess.

Please keep posting here, we need someone to help put Paint in his place!! And we need more intelligent, beautiful ladies to keep the rest of the guys in their place!

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I only want your happiness, knowing I can never be yours to share it.

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Registered: Aug 2000
Location:
Posts: 8661

Self image.
Inward malice or vanity, self image is just idolatry, the difference being one God is crueller than the other.
A mental representation of who you are is no replacement for having a mental life.
The self does not exist. Destroy the self and experience the life that is around you instead of the experiences you preserve within.
Somewhere within you is pain.
Somewhere within you is abandoment.
Somewhere within you is fear, anguish, disgust, torture.
But where are you?
Are you rooted to the past in chains of memory? In chains of self?
Kabbala, forget the self, breathe in the spirit of something greater.
Move forward, love your life. It's the most precious thing you'll ever own.
And don't wear your suffering with pride, become naked, like in the garden.
When we all lived in a time of innocence and believed in everyone.
Includeing ourselves.

Trying to exhort without patronizing,
Thimble

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No turkish prison can hold me. But you may for a price.

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