Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Manchester, UK.
Posts: 3602

The secret diary of a cat......

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from shredding the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant and cough it up on the carpeting.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed (again).

DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good
little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan...

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a
liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth and the tiny bit of flesh under my claws.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time


------------------
Suicide is the most sincere form of self criticism.

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Jul 2000
Location:
Posts: 7236

ooohh God I'm crying with laughter. That is soooo funny

------------------------
sp00ky
---------------------------
Warning: ChikChillin is a bum looker!

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Delaware
Posts: 5736

I see you got into my cat's diary again...

------------------------
=^..^=

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Manchester, UK.
Posts: 3602

quote:

---

Originally posted by Joeycat:
I see you got into my cat's diary again...

---

Your cat has issues babe



------------------------
Suicide is the most sincere form of self criticism.

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Sep 2000
Location: Elysian Fields, TX, USA
Posts: 2618

The Dog's Diary
--

Day 752 - Master brought in a cat the other day. All they do is play with him now. I hate it. I ate his stupid dangling toys, maybe that will will teach him to mess with this family. It didn't. He keeps tearing up the furniture, I wonder if all cats are this dumb? He ate the crysanthemums that Master just bought the other day and then vomitted them up, they taste even better recycled.

Day 764 - That idiot cat is going to have a flat tail if he keeps goign through masters legs. I thought cats were supposed to be smart. And don't they always land on their feet? I saw him jumping off the counter today and he knocked himself out on the linoleum floor. Dumb animal.

Day 765 - I saw a rat, or somethign, without a body today. I was going to take it too the cat as some sort of offering of peace, but it seemed he was only interested in the body. I don't see why, the head tastes just as good as the rest.

Day 769 - Master took me out and played with the disc thing with me. It was great. Afterwards I was so tired I just licked my crotch till I fell asleep.

Day 771 - More crotchlicking while Master and his companions watch the tube. The cat was no where to be seen. I wonder if they sold him.

Day 774 - I think i might eat this cat fellow. He's a chump, if nothing less, and I don't think he'll survive in this house much longer anyhow.

------------------------
You have the potential to be a loser. GO FOR IT!

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Jul 2000
Location: my mother's bloody womb
Posts: 7367

bird diary:

day 755: the feline has been introduced to our nest. the tall smelly creatures chase it around the nest, trying to coax it to submit to their ministrations, something called "petting". at least this new creature is distracting them from attempting to capture me and forcing me to eat out of their paws.

day 761: i have discovered a weakness in the tall smelly creatures' defense. it seems that my mating call causes them great distress. they make loud noises in my direction, then try to convince me that the fireball is sleeping by covering my metal prison with cloth. if only i could learn more about their primitive tongue than this "hello" word.

day 782: the feline creature has been eyeing me frequently. i think it has mortal intentions in mind. my only hope is to convince the canine that this feline is a rare delicacy to its kind.

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Sep 2000
Location: Elysian Fields, TX, USA
Posts: 2618

This thread has Hall of Fame potential.

------------------------
You have the potential to be a loser. GO FOR IT!

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Jul 2000
Location:
Posts: 7236

quote:

---

Originally posted by MrSherman:
This thread has Hall of Fame potential.

---

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Jul 2000
Location:
Posts: 7236

The Cat Speaks

Day 775 - They went out again today leaving me with that flea ridden mogrel. It tried to attack me but I figured out how to get on the fridge in the kitchen, he can't reach me up there. I've been thinking about my escape plan some more and I think I can make a break for it in the morning. My captors seem to leave the house early in the morning and they always still half asleep. This is the key time. Note to self. Monitor times and exit points.

Day 776 - Slept all day on fridge. Fucking Dog tried it on again. i swear I am gonna piss in his bowel the next time he does that. He's so fucking stupid he will drink it.

------------------------
sp00ky
---------------------------
Warning: ChikChillin is a bum looker!

[This message has been edited by Spooky (edited 01-25-2001).]

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Jul 2000
Location:
Posts: 7236

Day 777 - More of the same awful food again. They filled my water bowel for the first time in three weks. Thank God, I don't have to drink from the tap anymore, it was starting to hurt my neck.

Day 778 - I was taken outside the prison camp today into a large metal object with wheels. Little did I know they were taking me to a torture chanmber. They stuck needles in my neck and then another one of these sadistic bastards stcuk a cold thin thing up my backside. My eyes watered for hours after that. Back in the camp now though, and weary for real food.

------------------------
sp00ky
---------------------------
Warning: ChikChillin is a bum looker!

[This message has been edited by Spooky (edited 01-25-2001).]

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Nov 2000
Location: UK
Posts: 5126

The Dog Speaks:


775 - Tried to eat the cat today. Wasn't fast enough. He seems pretty distracted in the morning watching Master. I'll try again tomorrow. Drank cats water while he was on the fridge.


776 - Damnit, missed him again. Sat at the bottom of the fridge and taunted him for fun. Had an extra good crotchlick on account of forgetting to do it yesterday.


777 - Spent the day working on my reflexes by dozing in front of the TV. Training is hard work. I'll get that cat tomorrow...


778 - Damned feline disappeared this morning. Ate his food and stared at bird today, trying to see if I could figure out from it how to get on top of the fridge. I had an idea, but then master came home with cat. I need to make up for his lack of presence today...


------------------------
Honesty is more than accuracy in words

[This message has been edited by macker (edited 01-25-2001).]

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Sep 2000
Location: Elysian Fields, TX, USA
Posts: 2618

I bet melon would make all of this very very interesting. More than it already is.

------------------------
You have the potential to be a loser. GO FOR IT!

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Jul 2000
Location:
Posts: 7236

The cat speaks


Day 780 - They all went out today. That is the sadistic ones and the dog. Left me behind with the snitch and the house to myself. Tried to explore a little more looking for alternative escape routes. Seems my earlier plans have been thwarted, they now make sure that the door is shut and I am in before they open the main door. Bloody bird, i know it was him that told them my plans, its like he reads my mind.

Day 781 - Found out today how tasty the spirally cord on telephones are. Chewedd right through and swallowed it whole. Can't go to the toilet.

Day 782 - Finding it very difficult to eat, seems whatever I touch I can't hold it down. They found out about the telephone cord. Dog got blamed for it. It was very amusing. He got no food. Dumb dog. Note to self. Remeber to do more things that can be blamed on the dog.

------------------------
sp00ky
---------------------------
Warning: ChikChillin is a bum looker!


[This message has been edited by Spooky (edited 01-25-2001).]

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Jul 2000
Location:
Posts: 7236

The cat speaks:

Day 785 - The pain in my stomach is worse. Have not eaten for four days. Can't write anymore it hurts to move.

Day 786 - They took me to the torture chamber again today. Guard there said I needed something called 'operation'. He put a needle in me again and went to sleep. Woke up feeling good and hungry. Bit woosey and I have a bare belly. Seems they must be performing experiemnts on me as I have a mark down my belly that itches and bleeds.

Day 787 - Feeling much better and they are giving more and more food.I am sure they are fattening me up for the dog. Noticed they sometimes leave the back door open when doing what they call DIY. Might make a run for it soon. Dog is still stupid. Chased its own tail today for amusment. I cannot understand it. It enjoys chasing itself. Strange animal.

------------------------
sp00ky
---------------------------
Warning: ChikChillin is a bum looker!

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Manchester, UK.
Posts: 3602

The dog speeks...

Day 779 - The cat has lost it's fur, I think I scared it off him, yay to me.

Day 779 (Evening) - Just heard the master talking about that damn cat, he said that we have to be very carefull it does'nt bust the stiches or it can get infected, and die.... Will try my best to bust these said stiches....

Day 780 (From garden) - Managed to knock over the fridge after 10 minutes of jumping up at cat, did'ent manage to bust the stiches tho, cat managed to scratch my nose.... It hurts.
Master started screaming at me for breaking the fridge, he kicked me and has now locked me in the garden... Humas are confusing

*Note to self - The fridge is FULL of food!!*

*Note 2 - learned new word today - 'managed'*

------------------------
Suicide is the most sincere form of self criticism.

[This message has been edited by CzEcH rEcK (edited 01-26-2001).]

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Jul 2000
Location:
Posts: 7236

Day 792 - This evening I learnet something very interesting. Whilst irritating my captor with whining noises at the ungodly hour I noticed movement at the fron window. Upon investigation it was another feline (quite a foxy little lady too). Tried to get her attention by the guards awoke and chased me away from the window and scared her off. Must learn how she managed to escape.

Day 794 - The dog did the most disgusting thing I have seen in my life today. It defecated on the kitchen floor. Thankfully I was on top of the new fridge. I fully expect him to get it in the neck for that little mess. Dirty filthy mutt.

------------------------
sp00ky
---------------------------
Warning: ChikChillin is a bum looker!

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Delaware
Posts: 5736

Were I an admin, I would give humor points for this thread.

------------------------
=^..^=

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Aug 2000
Location: Oregon
Posts: 1010

I can't remember the last time I have read something that funny. Don't stop!

------------------------

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Jul 2000
Location:
Posts: 7236

Day 798 - Learnt about years today. It seems I have been in this prison now for more than two of what these guards call years. I think they only said it in front of me sos to make me think I had been here less than I actually had. They don't know about this diary though.

Day 800 - Soon I will have been here for 1000 days. The bird died yesterday. They got really upset about it too. Seems my suspicions about it must have been right, why would they cry over a prisoner. He must have been working for them. Good riddance to the evil snitch thats what I say. Found a new hiding place in the wardrobe yesterday. They searched for me for hours. I think I may hide there one evening and wait for them to sleep and smother them by lying on their faces. This places is driving me crazy and I am ready to kill them I think. Note to self: Work out how to distract the dog while doing the smothering.

------------------------
sp00ky
---------------------------
Warning: ChikChillin is a bum looker!

[This message has been edited by Spooky (edited 01-26-2001).]

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Location Location
Posts: 26720

The Mouse.

Day 752 - Pickings have been slim of late. I remember the grand old times before the Whisker Face and the Tail Wagger. When any food dropped would simply be left there for ages, when I could eat at my leisure. Once, I was the ruler of this nest. Now I have been reduced to a petty scavanger. I am confident, however, that my time will come again. I have been careful to steer clear of the other denizens, though my confidence in my own superiority has been growing. Still, I do not want them alerted to my presence just yet. I have big plans, goals best achieved with the cloak of anonymity. I will rise again! VIVE LE MOUSE!!!

Day 753 - Found some regurgitated vegetable matter under a couch this morning. What a sweet, sweet surprise. I have stored it in The Hole. If things go according to plan, I shall use this substance as a lubricant for the auxillary blade on my Screaming Razor Machine, the completion of which will assure a successful coup of power...in my favor. The cat will die first. I suspect that he is beginning to grow more and more subconsciously aware that he is not alone, that another creature lurks besides the Tail Wagger and the Tweeter. I have tried to bunker down in The Hole, to stay there and there only, to lie low for awhile, but unfortunatly, the Uprights will not drop food into The Hole, despite my telepathaic requests. Must work more on my mind control abilities. And must not eat the regurgitated vegetable matter. I need it to complete the Screaming Razor Machine. This is crucial. But I grow more and more famished and weary every day.

Day 754 - Curses! I ate the regurgitated vegetable manner. Have scrapped the Screaming Razor machine for lack of lubricant.

Day 755 - My mind control powers grow stronger every day. I have been willing the Tail Wagger to eat Whisker Face, and it seems he becomes more consinged to the task every day. Now if only I could get the Tweeter to do my bidding. I imagine that her toothface would work wonders on the corneas of the Tail Wagger. Once both Whisker Face and Tail Wagger have been anhillated, I am reservedly confident that I could eat Tweeter.

Day 756 - Things are falling more and more into place...in my favor! I have begun construction on a new machine, something more terrible then anybody could possibly imagine. Something that will assure my exaltion to diety of this nest. I need only chew up more cardboard, grab some plastic, and scrounge up a little uranium. Vive Le Mouse!

Day 757 - Mixed feelings of today. On the one hand, I finally came across the Cornucopia. The Food Rocks that are fed to the Tail Wagger are kept in a giant paper thing, and I stumbled upon the hiding place of this giant paper thing while on one of my uranium scouting missions. I successfully chewed my way inside, and made my belly fat with its offering. But in my own arrogance was my ultimate downfall. Trying to get around in the giant paper sack must have made enough noise to alert Whisker Face. He stood outside the paper bag for what seemed like hours. He knew I was there but couldn't reach me. He was waiting for me to exit the bag at which point we would have been locked in mortal combat. While I am growing fairly confident I could eat Whisker Face if I so choose, I do not make such foolish mistakes. I will not land myself in an ambush. So I waited Whisker Face out. He even batted around the paper bag thing a few times, but to no avail. I have the patience of Job. I was in a warm place with the Food Rocks, I needed nothing else! Finally, the Uprights took Whisker Face away, for reasons unknown to me. A winner is me. I grabbed as many Food Rocks as would fit in my mouth and stole my way back to The Hole.

Day 758 - Have been laid up in The Hole due to severe cramping. Have seen neither hide nor hair of Whisker Face in my infrequent peeks out into the nest. This is a good thing. Perhaps, in my absence, Tail Wagger has at last succumbed to my awesome mind control powers and has eaten Whisker Face. Must establish contact with Tweeter to complete Phase 2.

Day 759 -- Curses. Whisker Face is, I am sad to report, alive and well. Fortunatly, Tail Wagger keeps him elevated, as Whisker Face has now taken to sleeping atop the Giant White Food Machine. This power play works, of course, in my divine favor. Tail Wagger stays near the Giant White Food Machine to try and eat Whisker Face. Whisker Face stays elevated to avoid the mighty mandibles of Tail Wagger. And as for myself, the orchestrator of this magnificent check and balance system, I am left free to move about. Have been making frequent trips to the Food Rock bag. Am growing fat and sluggish, but no matter, construction of my new machine is nearly complete, and the hell that it shall unleash on these simpleton denizens shall be sung about by muses for ages to come. I shall rule on high, I shall become the Lord Protector of the nest. And I have started considering taking Tweeter as a wife (if I choose to not eat her in the event that my mind control backup plan comes to fruition). From my vantage point in The Hole, she looks so attractive and pristine. And she sings so sweetly. However, I am careful to not let emotion get in the way of my political maneuverings. She is still, at the end of the day, merely a Cornea Shredding ToothFace to me. And that is how it should be. Still scouting for uranium deposits.

760 - Have become more and more set on the Tweeter. Have been practicing my chirpings (which come out as squeakish noises to my ears) to prepare for the courting period, if I choose to go that route. My frequent trips to the Food Rock bag are making me larger and larger everyday. While this takes away from my dexterity, I have become more and more confident that my size will continue to increase and soon I will be able to eat Whisker Face and Tail Wagger, though for now I shall simply continue with my passive mind control techniques, as their power play has done wonders for my diet.

Day 761 - Disaster! While on my way to the Food Rock bag, I was spotted by an Upright. What followed was total chaos. The Upright, who reeked of menstrual blood, began making a terrible noise which plauges my senses still and made me quite disoriented to say the least. They are more powerful then I ever suspected. While running around in circles, I was struck repeatedly with a broom. Finally, I was able to make a quick escape, but no good can come of this I fear. The Uprights have been advising Whisker Face and coaxing it to hunt me down like a lowly fly. Whisker Face is not only the sentinel, but also now the mercenary. The Uprights have been keeping Tail Wagger off of him which allows for Whisker Face to patrol. I must be careful now. I am so close at this point that any more setbacks would be disasterous. If only I could find the elusive uranium deposits! Upon doing that I shall be able to complete my machine and show that bitch Upright who has the broom!

Day 762 - A further setback. The large paper and cardboard thing that holds the glorious Food Rocks has been moved. To where I know not. It seems my pilfering has been detected. Curses. I have now been forced to revert to eating regurgitated vegetable matter once more. And even acquiring that is not easy, as Whisker Face continues his patrols with vigilance. I have now been focusing my mind control abilities on the Uprights in an attempt to get them to cut off Whisker Face's genetalia. That will show him what happens when you fuck with The Mouse! Vive Le Mouse!

Day 763 - I have discovered where the Uprights keep their uranium, or rather, I am at last reasonably sure of its whereabouts. There is a device called an "Etch a Scetch" that is able to create caricturatures and representations. I sure could have used that while blueprinting The Machine! But in any case, it appears to me that the device must be powered by uranium. I now must only figure out how to bust the device open and extract the uranium deposit contained therin, a task that is difficult to say the least, what with its hard plastic shell and the patrols of Whisker Face. But I must not be daunted, as The Machine is absolutly critical and will assure my ascention in this food chain. Tweeter has been checking me out a lot lately while I am chewing away the hard plastic shell of the Etch a Scetch device. Huzzah! Courtship of that fine bird will begin as soon as I annhilate the others. It seems less and less likely that I will have to eat her.

Day 764 - Have spent the entire day running out and chewing the plastic shell of the Etch a Scetch. It is a thankless job, but the sweet uranium it obviously contains is critical to my plans.

Day 765 - As I write this, I fear that it shall be my last entry. Whisker Face has finally gained the upper hand! While trying to extract uranium from the Etch a Scetch, I was fully focused on the hard plastic outer shell and did not see the beast stalking me. All of a sudden it pounced. We locked in a fierce struggle. Unfortunatly, my diminished dexterity due to those accursed Food Rocks proved to be my Achille's Heel.

I am now writing this from a corner in the kitchen. My body is broken and battered. I am missing an ear and a leg. Whisker Face is inches from me, eyeing me with lust or hunger, I know not which. Oooo, where did it all go wrong!? What was my final unmaking!? I was so close to completion of The Machine! So close to the consumation of my love towards Tweeter! So close to achieving ascention in my bloody rebellion! To die like this, to be eaten by a grunt at the 11th hour, is just too humilating to bear. Will I be remebered in antiquity? Will some other great Mouse stumble upon my nearly completed Machine? If so, I can only hope that mouse has some uranium on him, and that the Machine is finished and Whisker Face destroyed in my name! Ooooo delicious posterity, how will thy percieve me? A futile mouse, or the Beginner? And to die like this. Oh, the mousity of it all.

Whisker Face advances. He is looking to eat my head, I am sure of it! My mind control is failing, my focus clouded with the pain and the torment. Please Uprights! Come in and snip off his genetailia! Please Tweeter! Escape from your brass prison and with your mighty NailFace poke out his corneas! Please Tail Wagger! Eat this accursed beast!

And yet he advances still.

And my brilliant schemes, my grandiose maneuverings, my beautiful rebellion, all are now

at

an

end.

----fine-----



[This message has been edited by Paint CHiPs (edited 01-26-2001).]

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Jul 2000
Location:
Posts: 7236

The Cat Speaks:

Late Entry for Days 762 - 765

My captors decided on these days to force me to roam the prison looking for something they called a 'mouse'. It would seem they not only want me as a prisoner but they wish to use me as a mercenary for food also.

I have only seen this mouse thing once. I am bemused as to why they feel I must capture it for them. It is an eight of my size and hardly a threat. Note to self: Perhaps it has special powers of escape I can harness?

After much proweling for my slave master I found the mouse they so wanted me to. It was working away on some kind of machinary, although it looked a little like cardboard and string. Learnt something new in the encounter. these mouse creatures can also write like I.

The mouse put up a fight against me, but it stood no chance. Note to self : Mouse legs taste good, as do ears.

Seems after this debacle the slave masters were content with me. I am slowly become confused with my relationship with them. Helsinki Syndrome is now sitting in. Dog chased me onto fridge again.

------------------------
sp00ky
---------------------------
Warning: ChikChillin is a bum looker!

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Nov 2000
Location: UK
Posts: 5126

Dog speaks:

Day 792 - Went out today with Master and played with the stick. He kept throwing it away and I kept fetching it! Over and over and over and over...why just the memories leave me dizzy. There was some noise tonight, I think Cat was up to his usual tricks.

Day 794 - That Cat food must have been bad for me. I had an accident on the kitchen floor and Master was most displeased

Day 798 - And odd smell is coming from Cat. It's making me rather horny. I think I will relieve myself on Masters leg soon.

Day 800 - (written from garden) Bird died today. Cat seems to be happy for some reason. I tried relieving myself on master, but he was not amused, explaining me being in the garden. I noticed another Cat walking around outside, although it ran away at the sight of me.

Day 801 - Master has let me back in. The little Masters ones are still sad at the loss of Bird. Maybe I can eat it when they go to sleep. I'm still feeling horny.

Day 802 - My plans to eat Bird have been thwarted. They have buried in the back garden, and placed stones over it. The little Masters still do not wish to play with me, and Master keeps hitting me with the newspaper. Cats food tasted good though.

------------------------
Honesty is more than accuracy in words

[This message has been edited by macker (edited 01-26-2001).]

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Jul 2000
Location: B.F.E, Illinois
Posts: 983

I think paintchips has the funniest one

------------------------
Kick ass, whitey!

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Aug 2000
Location:
Posts: 3030

Still funny

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged

Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Delaware
Posts: 5736

Some threads are just... timeless

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged