I initially thought this would be directed primarily toward our younger posters. On second thought, however, I'd also like to know how the older ones feel about it, too. . . .

You've turned 18. For most intents an purposes (voting, contracting, etc.) you are now legally an adult. From this point forward, what, if anything, do you feel your parents materially owe you? And, why?

For example, if you want to attend college, do you feel they are obligated to fund it? Or, suppose you complete college, strike out on your own and encounter some financial difficulties. Do you feel they're obligated to allow you to come back home and live if you so desire? If so, for how long? And what about credit, or the lack thereof? Do you feel they're obligated to help you obtain credit by cosigning on a loan for, say, a car? I could go on and on with scenarios, but you should get my gist by now.

I'm not trying to set anyone up. I'm just interested in your thinking and reasoning.

Amen.

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I think the question is posed backwards.

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My parents dont 'owe' me anything and if they came to me one day and said "get the hell out and dont return" I'd have to just go and not return.

Hopefully they wont do that.

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absolutely nothing. as it stands we usually end up owing them more than we could ever pay back.

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i believe my father owes me something, but my circumstances are a bit different.

having said that, i don't think it's so much about what they owe you as how supportive they are of you. do your parents owe you a car, money, college education? no, but if they can help you, i don't see why they wouldn't or shouldn't. i think it's fair to have some expectations of your parents as you mature...they certainly have them of you.

for example, one thing i noticed living in vancouver with its very large asian population, is that families stick togther. you'll have an entire family in one home...babies, teens adults and seniors. i have never seen an asian homeless person. they stick together and operate as a family. your question might be almost moot to them.

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my dad still owes my mom a few child support payements, if that counts.

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My mother owes me $30.00
She came by here last week and "borrowed" it to go play bingo as she "didn't have time to go by the bank".
She told me yesterday that she lost so wasn't going to pay me back.

This is not the first time she has pulled this crap on me and I am not going to put up with it for too many more times.

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I dunno. Better genes?

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quote:

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Or, suppose you complete college, strike out on your own and encounter some financial difficulties. Do you feel they're obligated to allow you to come back home and live if you so desire?

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[Ignore Sig]

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Originally posted by MstrG
I think the question is posed backwards.

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Originally posted by J E B Stuart
do you feel your parents materially owe you? And, why?

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Azrael: "My parents dont 'owe' me anything and if they came to me one day and said "get the hell out and dont return" I'd have to just go and not return. . . ."

Logan: absolutely nothing. as it stands we usually end up owing them more than we could ever pay back."

Azrael, Logan . . . I admire those responses. I truly do. In so-called "real life", that's not the sort of response I always encounter.

There's a flip side to this, too, and I'm not referring to MstrG's comment. Specifically, do you think there's a lot of parents whose continued largess to adult children may be motivated by a desire to keep them close by keeping them dependent?

Amen.

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Originally posted by ǵr¹Øú§
why does it have to be material ... why not emotional?

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They don't owe my squat. In fact, I sort of wish they would get the fuck off my back. I would much rather get loans and pay for the rest of college myself, so I wouldn't have them peering over my shoulder at all times. The only reason, really, that I am letting them continue to help me out, is becuase I'm humoring them. If I tried to strike out on my own, they would hate me forever. I'm dead serious. They are nuts. I can't wait to graduate and not be dependent upon them anymore. But as it stands, they raised me so I owe them the happiness they will harvest from putting me through college, albeit 12 sad semsters of it.

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They owe me nothing at this point, though I certainly hope they'd be interested in investing in any companies I wish to start up (even if I fail a few times).

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Originally posted by J E B Stuart
It doesn't have to be, Curious. What are your thoughts on emotional debt, then?

Amen.

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Last edited by ǵr¹Øú§ on 02-27-2004 at 08:08 PM

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Does it make sense for me to expect my parent's love, affection, and support even though I can't say in any sense that they "owe" it to me?

Well, I can expect them to continue to behave in the past, but then if they were abusive then would that mean that they "owe" me continued beatings? (Don't answer that. There are plenty of asylumnites who think I'm long overdue to make a withdrawal at the Beatdown Bank).

I think what they "owe" is based on their responsibility to me as my creators--but where that begins and ends is beyond me. I wouldn't EXPECT them to try to support me financially when I'm able to do it myself...but then again...ahhh what a great question!

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Originally posted by ǵr¹Øú§
what about emotional scars left by shitty parenting ... what about never being supported by parents emotionally or general lack of emotional support .. what about the financial provider v's emotionally supportive issues ... did anyones parents even know how to provide for them emotionally when they were growing up ?

I couldnt care jack about financial repayment .. thats always secondary ...

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Originally posted by squee
Does it make sense for me to expect my parent's love, affection, and support even though I can't say in any sense that they "owe" it to me?

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Originally posted by wonderaz
Bitter? Party of one... Bitter?

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An honest answer, and preparation for life as an adult. That's all I'm going to say.

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My parents no longer "owe" me anything.
I'm 18 and out of the house.
Hell, I'm fucking 3000 miles away, they really can't provide me with anything anymore.

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Originally posted by Inky
i believe my father owes me something, but my circumstances are a bit different.

having said that, i don't think it's so much about what they owe you as how supportive they are of you. do your parents owe you a car, money, college education? no, but if they can help you, i don't see why they wouldn't or shouldn't. i think it's fair to have some expectations of your parents as you mature...they certainly have them of you.

for example, one thing i noticed living in vancouver with its very large asian population, is that families stick togther. you'll have an entire family in one home...babies, teens adults and seniors. i have never seen an asian homeless person. they stick together and operate as a family. your question might be almost moot to them.

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As an adult my parents don't owe me a thing. In fact, this entire language of the market regarding parenting is way off base. It's like right of way - it can only be given. I got the best my parents were capable of giving me at the time. As a child I wasn’t entitled to anything, though there are certain legal requirements that parents must meet for children’s upkeep and well-being. There are some “shoulds” and “oughts” to it, yes, in that we expect certain things from parents as a society. But many great and successful happy people have risen from circumstances of criminal abuse and neglect, so my deficiencies can be laid squarely at my own feet.

I wasn’t raised in a cave and excluded from the same information the rest of you were privy to. How many times do I need to be told to spend less than I make and save the difference for me to get it that I’ll be better off that way materially? Having learned that, how can I blame my parents if I don’t follow that dictum? How many times do I have to be told that I should behave appropriately towards others before I do just that? The law of the land is pretty clear regarding how we should behave. We have minds of our own. Unless we are of seriously diminished capacity, how is it our parents’ fault if we fail to obey the law? Those things are pretty simple.

Even if I was beaten every day of my life; as long as my mental capacities still function at a relatively normal level, I can understand the difference between right and wrong. I can know that the way I was treated is wrong and then behave differently. I do not have to be trapped by my upbringing. To be so constrained by my own past is to volunteer for a form of slavery that is common among us as a society. My problems are largely, almost completely, of my own making. Every thing that happens in my life is generally the result of decisions I have made. Owning that is about the most liberating thing I ever did, even if my behavior never changed as a result. At least I could stop feeling like a victim of fluid circumstance and the selfishness of others.

Even if I were abused criminally as a child, my response to that and what I do with the damage is completely my responsibility, so long as my mind still works at near normal capacity.

Ideally, I would say that a parent’s principle job is to become obsolete at a given time, and then allow their children lives of their own without trying to live vicariously through that experience. It doesn’t work out that way in most cases, but it is a good ideal to shoot for. My parents provided for my upkeep and health until I was old enough to do so myself. That, I would think, is all they really had to do, even ethically, to fulfill their mission. They also encouraged me to read and modeled that for me. They encouraged me to entertain myself and develop my imagination. They taught me many things and shared their opinions on issues. They also taught me how to laugh at myself, which may have been my greatest asset at times.

They could be distant, neurotic, contrary and a bit dishonest, but they would be doing nothing more than being themselves. And that is all that they really have to be. I honestly believe that for some people no parents would be good enough to cover the resentment they feel at their own inadequacies and shortcomings.

In order to become a more functional person, I first had to own the fact that my problems were my own creations. Until I reached that point, I was trying to get to a destination with a map describing a route that started somewhere other than where I was. To get from Dallas to Lubbock, I first must accept that I am in Dallas and not Austin. There are a lot of people who think they’re in Austin when they’re really in Dallas, and they have no idea why nothing makes sense to them in the landscape.

The capacity of the human mind for self-deception is limitless. Learn it. Know it. Live it. Life may not improve for you as a result, but you’ll whine a lot less and maybe find a little peace.

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Originally posted by ǵr¹Øú§
seriously .. explain please

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