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Political Announcement
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POLITICAL ANNOUNCEMENT
My fellow Americans:
I know it's early, but I want to take this opportunity to announce my candidacy for President. Yes, President of the United States. I feel that my being a small business owner and my having written a column for an on-line e-newsletter for several months has given me enough name recognition to be a viable contender for the most powerful position in the world.
Here are some of my reasons for wanting to run, a few of my qualifications, and most of my platform.
· I think I'd look pretty cool in a dark blue suit and a white shirt and a red tie.
· I knit very well. Anyone who can take a strand of yarn and, with no help from other than a pair of pointed sticks, turn it into something useful and occasionally attractive has perseverance, creativity, and the ability to poke people with a pointed stick if they become unpleasant. There are some heads of state that I would like to poke with a pointed stick. Couple of legislators, too.
· I have never held a public office. Therefore, I have no voting record for my opponents to criticize.
· I have been pregnant. Twice. While that is hardly a unique accomplishment, it is something that nobody who has ever held the position of President of the United States has ever done. Not even once, let alone twice.
· In addition, being pregnant gave me a lot of practice in looking as if I were about to produce something of importance while not really doing anything but sitting there. No, wait - that qualifies me for Vice-President. Never mind.
· I have given birth. Twice. In doing so, I discovered an amazing capacity in myself to create astonishing invectives and hurl them at people whose only crime was to be in my sight. I plan to use that talent to liven up a few Cabinet meetings.
· We will be able to fund the government almost entirely by broadcasting the aforementioned Cabinet meetings on pay-per-view television.
· I'm a Libertarian. Not only will I really, truly, honestly not raise your taxes, I will veto any piece of legislation that even remotely looks like the author might have been thinking about making plans to start asking questions about the possibility of raising taxes.
· I know three of the four verses to The Star-Spangled Banner.
· The title “Madam President” has a nice ring to it. And I have a better chance of being President of the United States than any other kind of madam.
· I'm short enough that, when I meet the other heads of state, they will have to reach down to shake my hand. It will look like they are bowing. There are a lot of Americans who will like that.
· I plan to ask Dave Barry to run as my Vice-President.
(This article appeared, in slightly edited form, in the August 3, 2005, issue of KsSmallBiz.com, for which I serve as editor.)
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