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Large Filipino
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I was watching Fight Club this afternoon. Great movie. You should watch it again. Anyway that part where they blow up the credit card buildings so that America starts at Zero again although doesn't make much sense was pretty brilliant.
That stuck in my mind as I fell asleep for the night rather early. I just woke up from a dream.
My dream was that somehow America wiped out all our debts to other countries. They simply nuked China and all these other countries that we owe money to.
Then we started at zero again owning no debt at all to anyone.
Suddenly,gas was at under a dollar a gallon,houses could be had for 10 thousand dollars and once again the wife can stay at home while the husband goes to work just like Leave It To Fucking Beaver.
It was like the 50's again. And what really intrigued me about this dream is that everyone was so happy about being able to afford everything again that no one cared about the billions of innocent lives we nuked in other countries so that we don't owe them any more debt. Yea,it doesn't make any sense but it's the whole uncaring of most of us was what struck me.
It's like with this war. People are so gun ho about their fucking morals and their Christianity that they are willing to bring back more of the same shit. It doesn't matter that we are killing entire families on a daily basis. Were doing it for God.
As long as our bubble of security is okay enough to sustain existence,fuck what other people are going thru.
Like with gas prices. If whoever our new president will be decides to tell us that we need to nuke Iraq so that gas will go down because they won't produce more all people would care about is that the price of gas will go down. Sure. It's more complicated than that but my point is is that the majority of Americans that vote are a bunch of spoiled rotten wussies that only care about themselves.
So this is my rant for the month.
I fear for November.
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This is a blog. Not a rant or a catastrophe. This is a blog.
This blog celebrates my Motor Assist Bicycles.
Most people simply don't get it,because you can do much better with a scooter.
Scooters are also really good in gas.
Scooters are also faster.
And scooters will keep change in your pockets so you can afford lunch thereby stimulating your local economy instead of Saudi Arabia.
So why is a Motor Assist Bike so much better?
Because back in my youth before I grabbed a drivers license,my BMX bicycle that I built from the ground up from salvaged parts in the trash day pick ups and parts given to me by friends was my way of getting out in the world. I've taken that bike far and wide,broken down quite a few times with flat tires and have had to walk miles from home walking my limp bicycle with me. Then every time I made it better I was proud because I built this thing.
Then when I grabbed my drivers license and then my car,my bicycle started collecting some dust. I would take it out every now and then and do some tricks (I still can ride a bicycle backwards) but those days of traveling far from home are no more. Then cars elevated to motorcycles then trucks then after family and kids it elevated to the daily grind called the rat race.
Then I lose my job. Then I asked myself "What came about all those years of struggling?" I had no answer except that job payed my bills and it gave me some joy but all that is gone now.
So early on in my sudden early retirement I went to Costco and saw that Schwinn. Right there I had to have it. I walked it out of the store and felt like a kid again. This is the first bicycle I have ever bought NEW.
But I'm not as fit as I used to be. I would ride it to the store and back. It's an easy ride but I just couldn't go any further.
Then I discovered bicycle engines and then that bike forum and things just changed.
My whole life has changed.
So why is a Motored Assist Bike so much better than a faster scooter or a Motorcycle or a sports car or monster trucks or even TRAINS?
Because every time I ride my bicycle,I feel like I'm 14 again.
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I don't think there ever has been a presidential term that has affected me so hard. Okay,we can't blame Bush for everything but damn if shit around you has been hard.
Just the price of gas alone. Because truckers are struggling everything they haul has been marked up. Shit. This isn't the reason for this thread. This is shit we all know. We are ALL struggling with shit small or large. Whatever.
But here's the thing. I've been hearing some crazy drama at the agency I dedicated my life to that kicked me like a piece of shit. Yea I know. It doesn't concern me. But it does for my Host Home guy goes there for day program. More people have been kicked off. Now the school is struggling for a union it seems and the major players trying to get this together are getting the boot.
The economy? Sure it's the economy. Everyone out to save money cutting corners. Once you maxed out in pay,Bye Bye.
Besides all the people here I think of as my friends whether I had actually met you all but once or never at all maybe never will,people will have real friends that you could count with only one hand.
I have two. Besides my wife and family,in this world,I have but two.
One of them called me today. She worked with me and was kicked off,then a few months later because her two host home guys belonged to the same agency she soon lost her host home too. Yes. I blame the economy. They were out to save some money. We were part of the cut backs. She made too much money it seemed in reimbursement and the new host home guys are compensating for less..
That was about a year and a half ago. Since then the mortage company came over and gave her $1,500 to move out that day so they can try to resell that 6 bedroom home. That was a blessing for she was able to get a deposit down for a smaller shit-hole of a place.
She's been working two jobs and 12 to 14 hour days 7 days a week. She tries,dawgs. She tries.
So today she calls me wanting to know if I can put up an ad in Craigslist for ALL HER SHIT.
She's 100 bucks short of her rent. No big deal I tell her. She's seen far far worst. I couldn't fucking help her,but she more than understood. We are ALL struggling in one way or another.
She's proud. She will NEVER ask me for money. The desperation in her voice just broke my heart.
But she'll be alright. It's just so hard anymore. Here's what's fucked up. She has TWO daughters with kids. They got section 8 housing. They will not let their mom move in with them. There's just drama there. It's all fucked up.
I really shouldn't associate with her anymore. I mean we were work friends. We rolled together daily with our group for over a decade. That chapter is over now. We should just move on. No way. We are friends for life.
I hope she fucking doesn't do anything fucking stupid. She had a foster homes after foster homes growing up and has tried to kill herself on some occasions. Right now I just want to go over to her daughters place and kick the living shit out of them then hold my god daughter in my arms.
You know,our bills. Have you looked at them?
Notice something? Gotten higher,huh.
groceries have gone up 100 bucks a month,bills have gone up an average of 25 dollars give and take. Gas. Well I'm winning that war thanks to Cronus and MOOP but my close friend has a Dodge Ram 14 MPG truck with still another 5 years of 400 dollar plus payments. Yea. Her fault,man. But at the time we were working all those years almost maxed out in pay and with Host homes. So she could afford it then. Now,if she loses her truck,she would be defeated.
I'm just ranting here. I'll be flat out. I'm not asking for any generosity. Like I said,she'll be okay.
Her landlord will take SOMETHING from her and won't make her homeless. How do I know this? Because if she gets kicked out it would be MONTHS before she can find another tenant. That's the way it is. Some money to pay the mortage is better than no money to the landlord's eyes.
I'm tired already of this recession. Yes. We are in a recession.
On a good note,this is the Balloon payment month on my house. The original owner can just snag my house now and I'm on the street.
But he's a good man. There is a god.
There is a god.
He's gonna sign off a loan,he'll take the check,and I'll make the payments.
Why did he do this instead of banking 200 thousand reselling my house? Because he has integrity... and he may sit on this house for years with no buyers. Oh the irony.
So I'm doing good,and my friend is in a world of hurt... again.
My other close friend is all alone in this world. He'll do anything for you. He gave my friend that 100 bucks tonight. And she cried. Just got off the phone with him. He was pretty goddamn tearful in his voice too.
Fucked up world,man.
Fucked up world.
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You ever watch a movie that affected you for the time that you watch it then you shrug it off but then it keeps creeping up in your head then you can't stop thinking about it?
Into The Wild. Goddammit.
It's about a kid that's like real smart,man. College graduate,enough money saved up to go to (Yale was it?) and he decides to give all his savings to charity and live without money and just live off the land and meet people along the way to his destination Alaska.
There were parts of this movie where I literally cried,man. I mean a real gut wrenching cry thank god I was all alone watching this piece of shit.
I was thinking "Okay I'm crying for this could be my son. He's at a turning point in his young life where he can take any path and he may just take the path this dude is taking". And "Wow. You really CAN live without money. I want to do this,man. I want to do this."
I mean everyone he meets...I fucking related to that shit.
The old man...goddammit.
Y'all just need to watch this one,man.
I was at the library today and I almost checked out the book.
Naw. I'm gonna pass on that one.
...Cause I may just...I'm gonna pass on that one.
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I feel like such an ass. I mean I should be happy with my life. I'm free to do anything now. My host home is very easy. He goes to day program in the morning and while everyone else is going to the rat race with traffic and all that I get to take Moop on a morning ride,discovering new trails. I mean Moop has almost a thousand miles now and it's not even a year old.
But here I am with a feeling of loss. I mean I'm too young yet to be considered retired. I miss my guys. Every day I worry about them,that they're not hurting the staff or themselves or their families for they had a rough day. 15 years is a long time to be working with people that depend on you. Then I think about why I got fired. It's definetly not my job performance. I've been incident free for years. Maybe it's the other staff? I've always been nice to them. But it's not my fault that my boys behaved around me and not with them. Is that why they had to let me go? So my boys can start getting used to other people? Maybe it was because they didn't want to pay my hospital bill. But after some fighting,Aetna is paying up now.
This shit shouldn't even affect me anymore. It's been 6 months now. And yet shit goes on in my head like I suffered a loss.
It's selfish. I mean we have people everywhere that suffer real loss. Loss of a son,a wife...divorce..that's what REAL loss is.
I really need to get over this. I guess it will just take time.
I think it's just lately even though my family says otherwise for I'm doing a lot with my free time to benefit others and taking good care of my host home person,I feel so...worthless.
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Once upon a time there was this dude,see,just like you and me. So like this dude liked to give the homeless change and shit.
One day back in the 70's he befriended that dude that made that watered powered engine. Then he got these other plans for a power source by him that elevated things and stuff. So like after he gathered some reindeer and made a sled and made it fly,he killed that man cause this kind of information the world is not ready for.
So like after a sponsorship with Nike,he decided to fly around every year and go down chimneys to drop off presents and shit for the kiddies cause to him it was fun. But then he got arrested for it and spent a couple of nights in jail and lost his sponsorship.
But then thanks to My Space he started getting a fan base and people started getting to know him. But then this parental group kept flagging him for a pedofile so he had to shut down his site and went underground.
Today that site is invite only and the fan base is full grown adults. Some of those adults have kids and those kids are the luckiest kids in the world for this dude only comes to those adult members and gives gifts to the kids. And on Christmas morning,only those select few kids experience the true meaning of Christmas.
I like going on my rooftop every year to chat with Santa. It's sad,though cause Santa tells me that a lot of the adult members have kids that don't believe in him. And for some strange reason,ever since that encounter with David Blane before he became famous,no one can see him or his sled and reindeer unless you truly believe in him.
It's the only time of the year I actually drink a little. Santa's gonna look forward to that 12 pack of Coors Light.
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My parents got here about a couple of weeks before Thanksgiving. Then my brother got here about a week before Thanksgiving. All this time we ate at the Chineese buffet,the Golden FUCKING Corral and every restaurant in between,then after they all left,here comes Thanksfuckingiving.
So why am I so goddam....proud to be an American?
Cause I gained 10 pounds.
No more excuses. Back on that treadmill. I love salad with vinagarette dressing....I love salad with vinagarette dressing...I fucking love salad with vinagarette dressing...I fucking goddamm love salad with vinagarette fucking dressing....
Okay. I'm okay now.
FUCK!!! WHY CAN'T I POST A FUCKING POAL HERE? WHY??
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I'm okay now but I wasn't on that day. That's the day I was fired from my job of 15 years.
I never told my parents until a couple of days ago. They went back home early this morning along with my younger brother. Tow will be here next week.
This has been a bad year. My heart surgery,my firing of the job that I would have done for nothing,my parents trying to get out of New York for it's getting too expensive to live there.
But a lot of good came out of this year. The generous support of you all when I really needed it. My wife telling me it's okay that I've been reduced to something I feel like less of a man,for I still have my host home.
Well,anyway,the reason for this blog is to bring it out to the public for I already told my parents.
And the reason they came over here for a visit? They want to live close to me.
Happy is not the word here.
There's some obstacles to tackle. My brothers need to find jobs. They plan on taking care of my parents. Were all ready to take tare of them.
What a year.
What a fucking year.
It seems the more pain this world dishes out,the more reward you seem to get back...or some shit.
There are still other options to where they will live...but god I hope they find the right house and live close by.
It's been a long time.
...but I'll never see that house in New York again...the house of my youth.
Tow never tore down that ghey wallpaper surrounding my childhood bedroom. I wonder if he'll take some with him.
My grandparents grave and my auntie's grave will be left there in New york. My other Auntie living in the North Bronx don't want to leave for she doesn't ever want to drive and is attatched to the subways. She'll be the only one left there.
Ooh I hope next year will be better. I hope next year will bring good news.
All we could ever do in this life is hope.
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Today...I fucked up. I can't elaborate right now but it was a very small thing,man. Nothing to do with my guys,everything to do with following policies and procedures.
So basically my supervisor tells me I'm gonna get written up. That's cool. I fucked up. I admit guilt.
But then she tells me this could be grounds for dismissal. WTF?
So after doing my afternoon route and return the keys to my regular van,I ran into the head supervisor and I asked her "Please. Give it to me straight. Are you letting me go? I need to know so I can get some sleep tonight. She tells me that she dosen't know. They need to set up a meeting tomorrow and they will let me know then.
WHY ARE THESE MUTHERFUCKERS FUCKING WITH ME LIKE THIS?
15 years on the job. Dosen't that FUCKING COUNT FOR ANYTHING?
I guess not. My closest friends there were let go one by one. Am I next?
You know,it would have been cool if she told me "Don't worry. It's just a write up" or even "Yes. I think they're gonna let you go" cause at least I would know,but they want to get you all worried and stressed out and fucking crazy.
At this point,I swear if they just give me a write up and I still have my job I'm gonna be so fucking mad.
I hope that's how it's gonna fly. I'll know for sure if my life goes into a detour tomorrow or if I suddenly become their fucking bitch.
Cause if I had any balls today I would have told them all to shove it up their ass.
But my family,man.
I'll find a way. I always will.
I wish they do fire me. I can collect unemployment. But then I just took out that 401K loan and they would have to report that to the IRS. Fuck.
But if they keep me I'm gonna feel like their bitch. Like I gotta do everything they say now.
This is a real turning point in my life.
What sucks is that I love my job.
Why won't they leave me the fuck alone?
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Lately things have been wonderful for me. I've lost weight,when I ride my bicycle,I don't get tired so I can ride for miles now for I quit smoking and I don't miss it,I jogged for a half a mile the other day,my bills are all caught up,and the greatest news in the world for me came around. I won't lose my house when my balloon payment is up next year. The original owner of the house told me he don't want the house back and he will most definetly sign a loan with me so he can get his cash as early as next month. I fucking bawled for like thirty minutes when I hung up that phone. That was a huge load taken off of me,man.
But probably the greatest news of all is that Paris Hilton is in jail.
There is definetly a god.
In this world besides my wife who is my best friend,I have only two friends that I can call real friends.
When I was sick,one of them took in my client and took care of him. I fucking count on her whenever I may need emergency respite. I don't trust NOBODY else.
She calls me today telling me her carreer is over. She had two clients in a host home and worked at my agency in another department. They picked up her boys tonight at her house.
Suddenly she has absolutely no income.
It's no one's buisness the details of this misfortune. It happened. That's that.
No. Abuse was not involved. She took real good care of her boys. They were her family.
She's my closest friend next to my wife. She thinks of me as her best friend.
And here I am not knowing what the fuck I'm supposed to do for her now.
She tells me she'll be alright. She's gonna sell all her shit and move to New Mexico to be with her dad. Dad needs someone to take care of him anyway. Maybe it was meant to be.
But it's still all fucked up.
Like this world,man. This fucked up pathetic world.
You lose your career you lose everything and you gotta start over.
All that hard work for SHIT.
Things are going great for me. My close friend's world has crumbled to the ground.
It's not fair.
Balance.
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