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Large Filipino
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We have six dogs and we love them all. Ollie is my son's dog.
Sunday,shit,yesterday the family went out to chill out with other families and ate and stuff just for the hell of it...for St Patricks day I guess. We were out all day and kept the dogs inside for if left out the back they could get in trouble with the bigger dogs next door. They've all been left inside the home before. Lots of food and water. Hell. We weren't really gone all day. Just like 8 hours.
We came home yesterday and Ollie's back legs ain't moving.
Alright,John. It's ok. It's just a cist or something. We'll see the vet in the morning,he'll get some pills and he's gonna be just fine.
This morning my son and I drove downtown to the vet. This place is a low cost vet. Shit's like less than half of what the other's charge. For Denverites out there it's the place on Galapego street and 11th ave.
X-rays will cost you 120 dollars then we'll know for sure what's going on with the little guy. I cannot thank you all enough guys. There's just no way of showing this. Thanks to all of you I was able to say "let's do this".
X-rays came back and it looks grim. A vertabrea is showing some distress. "How much to operate?"
"We can't do that here. We're a low cost clinic and we don't have the resourses. It's gonna be very expensive and there's no guarantee. The spine is a sensitive thing."
"Is there anything you can do?"
" There is a chance. We can keep him here for 48 hours and do an IV drip of what's essentially adrenaline and it may help regenerate the spine. It's a chance but again no guarantee's."
How much?
The entire package including the X ray which costed the most of all will run you 278 dollars. That's everything.
"let's do this."
Do bad things come in three's? I've already counted three. My grandma,that other thing that happened that's too personal right now,my quintuple surgery.
That's three.
THAT'S THREE!
It's not fucking fair.
...he still has his balls though...but how the fuck he's gonna use them now....
I'll get him wheels if it's a no go. He's too good of a dog.
He can still pee and poop though. He can still live a good life.
Goddammit I should have stayed home.
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I guess that word is like the backward of infinite. It's like when you say life is finite. In fact,it's exactly that so that would mean that this is a good title for this blog.
So many people in my life passed away that I loved. I can't even begin to start listing them all. My grandma is but the latest casualty. My mother in law is probably next...my parents are getting old...
I came from my doctors office today. I had a stress test done.
You get on this treadmill with all these wires monitoring you.
...I laughed and said I was out of shape. Doc wasn't laughing.
He looked at my results.....silence...wtf?
wtf..
script for...nitro glisterin?
Tomorrow I'm going to the fucking hospital for more testing. Something about sticking a FUCKING TUBE IN MY CHEST checking shit out...some dye or some shit to see how clogged my shit is.
FUCK!! That's it. I'm quitting smoking RIGHT FUCKING NOW. I'm eating a WHOLE LOT LESS.
I've never been so scared in my entire life.
I gotta stay strong for my family.
It's nothing.....
I just had a fucking ciggarette.
HOW THE FUCK ELSE AM I GONNA CALM MY SHIT DOWN?
I'm a freaking mess.
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Today....let's start with yesterday.
My son has moved out to be roomies with his friends. Sweet deal. Single wide three bedrooms,$500.00 a month all utilities paid. His share is like $165.00 a month. So anyway,he calls me for a ride to work for one of his roomies lost the keys to his car and it's parked in front of my son's truck so he can't pull out. So I go pick him up,drop him off of work and I'm just staring at him. I see my baby boy but I'm also seeing a soon to be grown man. We get into conversation and he tells me he wants me to go with him to the tatoo parlor for his next tatoo. So I ask him why and he says that he wants to copy my hand print cause he wants that on his shoulder.
.....wow. The power of a tatoo. This is joy,yo. Proud is not the word. I must have done right.
Well anyway,like all dads do or at least should do,coming back from picking him up from work,I'm asking if he has enough money,groceries and such and he says it's alright but I know it's not. So I slip him a twenty and we stop at a grocery store and bought him some groceries before I took him to his place.
That night,man I had a dream that he was just bawling. Like he's unhappy or some shit. It was a strange cry; something I never heard come out of him.
I call him in the morning and he's ok,except that roomie still hasn't found her keys so I go take him to work again. I tell him his great grandma is dying of cancer and he hasn't seen him in a while so when he get's off of work,were all going over there. He's cool with it.
So we go there tonight and she's in an awful state. She ain't gonna last the weekend. Everyone's there from all over,each taking turns visiting her from her bedroom.She's already had that visit with the priest.
A few hours later,we start leaving,but I left first to start up the car to warm it up. My son was the next one to come out. He steps in the car and starts bawling.
The same exact sound in my dream.
What The Fuck,man. What The Fuck?
There's something going on here. My wife's grandma really REALLY made me feel like part of the family. She thought of me as a grand son instead of an in law.
This dream. HOW THE HELL...
The joy of knowing my son wants a reprentation of his father...me..in permanent ink on his body. The pain of the dying of someone I truly love,man.
The almost spiritual karma or what the fuck is going on?
All within 24 hours.
We all took my son home and we checked out how he's living. Looking good. I told his roomate she can go to the dealer and with her vin number and title they can cut a key for her.
I'll probably do this for them tomorrow...
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Yesterday I went to God Parent class for my good friend's daughter asked us if we can be. We were more than honored.
So I was baptised Catholic and Married Catholic so that pretty much qualifies me but I was raised Protestant and have never been to Catasizm or confession or anything.
So the almost priest dude was really cool. Were like in deep "Vato" land,yo so they be Mexicans. I wanted not to say anything that may spoil my qualifications and all but he was so cool,man so I answered some questions.
He would ask like "Why are we born with original sin?" and like NO ONE would answer so hoping I wasn't clashing with catholisism for I really don't know the difference I took a chance and said "Adam and Eve."
He got all excited and said "RIGHT!"
I got all excited and shit for by the third question I'm thinking "Yo. All here thinking I'm devoted."
"Why is it that we should only have one baptism in your entire life?" was another question that no one answered and there I was again saying "cause if you Baptise again,you are in essense saying that you failed your obligations to your first baptism and that's like a slap in God's face,yo." in those exact words for we be chill'n and shit.
I was right again.
So all my life I always thought that most Catholics just go thru the motions and as long as you do all these works you are good to go. And I proved this with the serious lack of enthusiasm by what maybe 50 people there that night.
But I was like getting petty excited.
The only real difference,man between Catholics and Potestants is that some people can talk to God directly which is the protestant belief but there are others that NEED TO HEAR from another that God is listening.
That is the root cause for animosity among each other.
I'm in the middle here for I promised in Marriage to raise my children Catholic and yet my parents raised me Protestant. And this Saturday I will make a vow to the priest to raise my God Daughter Catholic and make sure she follows the Catholic way. My wife will help me with that.
So there it is. Religion.
My faith. I have lots of faith. I have faith in Santa Clause. I have faith in God but not the God that everyone pictures.
Religion is custom tailored to fit their values.
Religion DEFINES a family's values.
Religion IS family values which is the DRIVING FORCE that brings them back every Sunday.
And that's why when people debate Religion everyone already lost for different families have different values. Religion revolves around EVERYTHING whether it's war and politics or Indifference and Racism.
And if more people see what they are really doing instead of the thought that they are saving another soul,then maybe this world may be more peaceful.
I can't wait to baptise my soon to be God Daughter. My daughter has my camera that weekend so I'll try my camera phone. It may be good enough pics. I'll post some pics here soon.
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It's like when you turn on like MTV,everyone's crying,man,so like this is my own version and I plan to cry after so it's gonna rule.
Friday we had an inservice day so all day I was at this behavior class where the professionals teach us how to diffuse behaviors before it escalates into drama. The teach has a masters degree so she knows her shit,oh kay?
So like I was like telling her what she was saying is bullshit,yo and she was getting upset with my ass. But everyone else in class was in silent agreement with me.
Then I lost my phone so I really wasn't paying much attention to her at all. I was thinking about my fucking phone. So we had 30 minutes to study afterwards where I slipped out to look for it. (this is where I start crying)
I didn't find it. I looked everywhere.
By the time I got back that 30 minutes of studying was over and I didn't study at all. Then the test came.
I was the first one done.
I told teach I'm gonna look for my phone some more. 10 minutes later I found it on the street!
So I came back which totalled 15 minutes and most of them were still on the test.
Teach graded my score and I got a hundred.
So staff people were asking me how the hell I did that. I told them the test was common sense. It was multiple choice for crying out loud.
That's when I realise that I got some brains. Sure,in high school I pulled shit like that off but I barely passed for I just didn't put enough effort.
So here's my drama. WHY DID I RUIN MY HIGH SCHOOL EXPERIENCE?
I could have done so much more with my life.
Not like I don't like my life now,but rather I could be in a better position.
My daughter is crazy smart at school but she didn't do the shit I did in High School.
If I didn't fuck around so much I could have gone on to college and who knows?
This is the part I start really crying now.
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I'm afraid to write this blog for I fear someone at my job may get me in hot water....but this is my santuary and if someone from my job is reading this it's simply none of their buisness. My god. My name's not on this...my picture though......goddammit. This is a free country.
Let me make this short and sweet.
Things are going...wrong for me lately. There's my mother in law in the hospital these past two days. I feel......relieved...WHAT THE FUCK I WISH SHE WAS DEAD?
I want to make amends. I don't fucking want this...yet a load would be lifted....I...feel...HORRIBLE.
There's two other things in my family.....I can't say right now...maybe later when all works out. Naw. It's too personal.
Now my job. I'm gonna be a simple as possible without revealing any details for my job is on the line.
Basically I consulted with a close friend from my job about some negativity going on and someone overheard and started that dreaded gossip chain. And by the time it got to my superiors the story was so wacked out that I spent an hour explaining to my supervisors how false this rumor is.
But yet it seems they don't believe me.
Bottom line. Don't trust anybody. This is what I'm told. Talk about the weather. Don't talk about how much money someone makes or how little work...I've already said too much.
I will always love my job. I love my guys.
But I had some real goodamm friends at my job. Now I have backstabbers that want to be my friend.
I don't know who to trust.
If they gossip to you,they will gossip about you.
I don't hate anyone at my job. But I already have the three hardest guys..this is hard to write for this is the exact kind of negativity I can't talk about yet here I am writing to the world.
I've been really fucking...depressed lately.I actually fucking cried today at work after that talk in the bathroom and wiped my tears before I came out and everyone was quiet.I'm sure they knew I was crying,but I feel like I'm not appreciated anymore there. I've always done for everybody and never asked for anything back. I have always taken the hardest people for I live on the challenge. I'm leaving too much out and I'm sorry for all the holes,but my family needs me working.
I must comly.
I want to run away..
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Tonight I was looking for that Developmentally Disabled band that became popular over the internet and I did a search for I learned about them here. I started with Developmentally Disabled and turned up nothing. Then I remembered they used Mentally Retarded in their band description and I used that.
Soon I was lost in reading all the threads with those words on them. Three hours and I still didn't find that post but you know what? It didn't matter much no more.
Never have I visited a forum so live as this one. Never have I been in a forum that STILL has posts dating back from the very beginning. And I'm so glad that I'm part of this madness.
And that's why the asylum rules. And all you assholes that posts here too!
I'm gonna go back to looking for that thread again. I need music for my job.
....I love you guys.....snif....
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I rented a car when we went to California to Disneyland and stuff. I had that car for 11 days. We came back a day early and if I returned that car early I would be charged for the daily rate instead of the agreed rate which would mean that it would cost more. So I kept it for another day doing my bills and stuff. The next day,I returned it and as I walked away,New Car Dementia set in.
It happened when I stepped into my wife's car and pressed on the gas. What a piece of shit this car is.Before I thought this car is pretty nice,actually with the power seats and leather interior. Now I can't stand to drive it.
The car I rented was a 2007 Pontiac Grand Am. It had every gauge you can think of along with automatic headlights(It just knew when to turn on) a compass,outside temperature,miles per gallon meter,and get this,man. A meter that tells you how many miles you can drive with what gas you have in your tank. There was other stuff too I kept discovering by the day. Unfuckingbelievable.
Then it had a remote that turned on an alarm if you can't find your car,unlocks and locks your doors,opens your trunk,and even a fucking button that starts your car from your hotel window so when you get in it's nice and air conditioned.
But what really blew me away was the drive there and back. We crossed Death Valley in air conditioned comfort while the outside temperature came to 119 degrees at times. My wife and daughter were amazed when I told them how hot it was outside and when I looked at my temp gauge, the needle stayed where it always stayed. I KNOW in this kind of heat my wife's car nor my truck would have NO CHANCE.
Now my son is going to college next week and will need a ride there and back. He hit a curb in that cavalier and needs much so it's in the garage.
I want to buy a new fucking car and let my son drive my wife's car. I don't want him near my truck goddammit.
Jesus Christ it's just a Pontiac. They're supposed to be AFFORDABLE!
And my son is not mechanically inclined. I can't let him drive a car that might break down.
School is too far away for him to ride a scooter....
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I took my daughter to dancing school today. To save gas since her school is over 40 miles away from my home and the traffic is a nightmare,I just hang out,watch movies in the car,then take her home when she's done.
Well today it reached 104 degree's so I decided to hang out at this stuck up mall not too far away for 5 hours not wanting to spend any money cause we're going to DisneyLand.
So there I was at the mall with my paperwork (client that lives with me tracking sheets and stuff) in hand and I sat in this comfy area and started doing my work. But then I was done in 30 minutes. There goes that plan. I still had 4 and a half hours left. What to do....what to do....
So I started window shopping,walking into every store,EVERY STORE that I went to a STAFF asked "May I help you?" in a tone of voice like I fucking don't belong in this ultra rich town of a whore mall. (Oh yea. I'm in this super rich part of town,man. John Elway's house is 5 minutes away. My car was parked next to a Diablo. No joke.)
So I just told them all "It's cool. I'm just looking" and there's these people that like FOLLOWED ME AROUND while I was in their store.
I just ignored it,man. I said fuck it. I'm killing time,absolutely discusted with some of these stores and their prices,man. Banana Republic store,Gucci store,Fuck. There's this one store there that had only...Handbags and there were like 4 shoppers in there.
So then I walked into the Discovery Channel Store (cool store,man.Cool shit.) and there's the staff person again asking if they could help me. That's it. I'm gonna fuck with this guy.
Sometimes to make my daughter laugh I talk to her like I'm Developmentally Disabled. I KNOW. IT'S WRONG. I fucking work with them for crying out loud but I don't do it out in the public.
UNTIL TODAY.
"May I help you?"
"Yaaar. I'm uh I'm uh I'm uh I'm rooking uh rooking for a...a..TOY for my my my SON."
"How old is he?"
" He's 4rrrrrrrrrrr."
"yes we have-"
"WHERE? WHERE!"
"Over there."
I fucking RUN to that corner and pick up this wood train set and started fucking playing with it and yelling"YES! YES! THIS IS WHAT I WANT! how much? HOW MUCH!!"
"It's fifty four dollars for the whole set"
"ooh kayy...ooh kay......"
"do you want to buy-"
"I'll pay you tomorrow!"
"So you'll come back to-"
"I'll PAY you TOMORROW!"
"But you can't take that"
"I'll PAY YOU TOMMOROW!"
He just looks at me.
"I'll pay you tom...morrow cause I ghet PAID tomorrow at my...agency."
"So you'll come back tomorrow?"
"....yes."
I had so much fun with that guy,man. What's weird is that I had no audience of my peers there so I wasn't impressing anyone. I was all alone. Sure some passerby's were looking at me cause I walked out of there all funny smiling from ear to ear and saying TRAINS! TRAINS!!
Wow. I'm going to Disneyland. My daughter has a National Dance thing up there. This is my first real Vacation since Niagra Falls family reunion three or four years ago.
Why the fuck did I do that? Jesus Christ these people thought I had issues.
I've been at my job for 14 years at the same place. I handle the same three every day with a van to make their lives worth living. I woudn't trade my job for all the money in the world. I'm dead fucking serious. I LOVE my guys,man.
Is it because these are the guys I talk with 8 hours of the waking day 5 days a week?
I don't know man. Could I be..tired of all this?
No way. No fucking way.
I just need that vacation. And Goddammit,I'm taking a picture with Mickey Mouse.
Those kids better move out of my fucking way.
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My wife's car is broken down at my daughter's dancing school. It's probably the starter or the relay or the fucking battery. I'm fucking tired on constantly fixing my cars. I'm fucking tired of always being broke. I'm fucking tired cause all this posting I'm doing every day cause I (fucking seriously,man) I really have no life so like a robot I just post away whatever the fuck pops into my little mind and yet after all these years as much as I would just LOVE to show my appreciation by clicking that little paypal button I can't cause I know what little change I have left may go for a tasty pack of cigarettes that now that my wife has quit every fucking body now thinks it's important that I quit and not just my family either but the ENTIRE FUCKING WORLD wants me to quit and I can't cause it's so tasty and I have no willpower and things that worry me every day beats me with a stick and I let the monster of worry win and it deplets my energy and sometimes I can't...I won't do simple shit around the home so I see the doctor and she tells me I'm having anxiety attacks but just in case let me give you this in case you're actually having a FUCKING HEART ATTACK Jesus Christ,man no fucking way can I have a Heart Attack now cause I need shit done and I'm not ready for that shit so I moderate what I eat and take my meds and check my blood sugars and I DON'T GIVE A RATS ASS how I look as long as I'm healthy and I'm really trying by taking the bus to work and eating like a fucking rabbit and I really don't care really cause all this stressing out has lost my appetite anyway and I count on my younger brothers and parents to save our asses all the time and I'm FORTY FUCKING YEARS OLD and I need to handle shit on my own yet I don't think they realise just how much I fucking love them and I'm gonna go watch my movies now and go to blockbuster where everyone there knows my name and probably will re-rent movies I didn't see all of then like every day on the weekends cry myself to sleep.
I'm not looking for sympathy,man. I just needed to write this shit out cause I want to feel better and I think it worked even for just a little while.
I need to count my blessings. Family that unconditionally loves me,19 years of marriage next month,Kids that are making a life of themselves so far,kick ass job....I'm blessed,man.
And yet.....
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