Today was one of those days,man. Everyone driving slow,not signaling while using the phone;this woman almost hit me today. I rolled down my window and asked her kindly to please use her turn signal next time and not use her phone so at least I would know her intentions and I would let her merge in front of me.(She was on a right turn lane) She said FUCK YOU.|
Fuck it. I'm working here. I let it go.
This real slow dude was causing a train of cars behind him. I gave lots of room but this idiot behind me was right on my ass. I turned to look at him and pointed to the guy in front of me and signaled to back off. He gave me the finger.
Fuck it. I'm working.
Then when the day was over and I dropped off my last guy,the home provider which is also a good friend of mine scored some bannanas at some military place he frequents. So he gave me some.
No fucking kidding,dogs. I pull up on a two way stop and stopped at the stop sign. This (black) dude pulls around the corner looking at me. I did nothing,man. I'm just sitting there man. So I roll down my window cause maybe he needs directions or something and he says"FUCK YOU!".
I got out of my car.(why do I fucking ALWAYS do this shit. Just let it fucking go) I said"Do you want a fucking bannana? DO YOU WANT A FUCKING BANNANA BITCH?"
He saw I wasn't having a good day too. he let it go cause I'm out of my car and he's still in his or he dosen't want to take his shit any further.
I know though right fucking now he's fuming with the shit I told him.
Damm,it could have been a lot worse. He could have had a gun.
But what really bothers me is..why did I use such a racial connotation?
I'm not racist,man. No way.
My wife and I celebrated our 18th wedding anniversary last Monday and just came back from a one night stay at Central City/Black Hawk for some slots and BlackJack. We broke even cause I rule at the BlackJack,man. Wife's good at those penny slots but I suck.|
Anyway,here we were at this Buffet with all the old people that got off the bus and I started observing everyone. There were so many old people. Mostly women with other women. Looked like widows. But some had their husbands and were so happy it seems....I saw myself in there with my wife and I was ok with it.
I'm turning 40 next year and I'm actually ok with the life I have made for myself.
I love my wife so much....I'm looking foward to old age.
In a society where everyone tries to win Powerball and hopes that their big ship will come,most people sometimes don't realise that what most of us have now 2/3 of the earths population could only wish they have it this good.
I mean here I was in a restaurant where I could eat whatever I want as much as I want and stay as long as I want. This we take for granted...were living like Kings and Queens and we take this for granted.
We wish for a bigger house,more money,more,more,more.
It never ends.
So what if I never ever build that car.
I mean,I would still like to,but I'm doing better than most.
And so are a whole lot of y'all.
I had an old friend that worked with me that was real cool. We camped out,fished,shot his guns in the woods and went everywhere together.|
He was a Vietnam Vet and didn't want to talk about it. So I respected that.
One day he confronts me at work and tells me he can't live like this anymore. He saved up enough money to get this gazebo or some shit deep in the mountains,far away from society. Like the fucking unibomber,man,was how he wanted to live. Hunt the land and come into town for some staple supplies once a month. So I helped him pack up his shit the afternoon of his last day at work,nothing much really,mostly old clothes,into his 80 AMC 4x4 Wagon,and we just shot the breeze before I said my last goodby's. When he finally did,he handed me a cassette tape and said "I talked into this last night. Got drunker than a skunk. It's everything I know you wanted to know about me and 'nam."
I don't have that tape anymore,dammit. But I remembered what it said. Came home that afternoon,and played it.....
"We were on assignment to pick up casualties at the fields...pause....bodies everywhere. We loaded them up one at a time. Other trucks there doing the same thing. Two men per truck loading bodies in back...piled up to the top. Dark set in when we were done...partner went with another truck cause it was an old friend from home...same high school...so I drove alone in a convoy.
Rear view mirror seeing nothing but bodies....this face looking at me thru the rear view..half his face blown off but that one eye looking right at me....I adjusted that mirror cause it's too fucking creepy. Bumpy roads...10 miles an hour at best...still another 15 miles to go...He's still fucking looking at me. I know it. Turn my head to look...can't move him...glass in the way..this is crazy,man. I mean he's dead. He's just dead. Turned again to look....a fucking tear rolled from that eye.(long pause....then just bawling...)
This is my 45. Yea. It's nice,man. I could just pull this trigger right now...end it all. But your right,John. That's the pussy way out....(sound of gun unclicking)
...we were sweeping out a section of field,talking shit with my buddies....ambush. FUCK! Gotta save my guys. Fuck. Too many. Run mutherfucker! Run!!
Jumped in a hole. It stunk bad. Piss and shit. Fucking urinal. As they were comming I slid away from the hole. Quiet as can be. Water up to my knees. Strange sounds. Maybe rats. I can't fucking see. Bright day outside and I can't fucking see.
Waited till dark. Managed to climb out. Walked back to camp.
Next morning I made it. No one else did.
I COULD HAVE SAVED THEM MAN! I COULD HAVE SAVED THEM!..."
There was some other stuff in there about trying to fly a helicopter and forgetting to unchain it.
And other funny moments. But before the tape stopped playing,all you heard was crying faintly...then snoring.
I thought I'd share this little blog cause with all the fucking technology we have in our hands we are still able to fuck shit up and end up facing another war that's as bad as or maybe worst than Vietnam.
I pray for all the brave soldiers out there doing the job no one else wants to do. Dying so we don't have to.
But at the same time I'm a coward cause They better kill me first before taking my kids into that hell hole.
I wish this war would end.
I always wondered how my life today would have been if my parents chose to stay in the Philipines instead of finding a new life abroad.|
Would I be fat? Would I be healthier?
The Bubble. It's like in order to survive here in the bubble,you need to excel in FREE education up until your 18,then excel in college with credit or a scholarship then you find a nice comfortable job,get married and live happily ever after and those values reflect on your kids and the cycle repeats itself.
That's the bubble.
Survival isn't that important in the bubble.
Everything's in your reach if you do everything society dictates.
And even if you don't do everything society dictates,then government handouts and stuff will keep you full.
My grandfather many years ago came into the bubble. He tried to teach me gardening. He plowed a quarter of an acre in the back yard. He cultivated with only his Bolo' knive. He grew lots of veggies there. He worked every day,stayed fit and died late.
So why did he do all this? Cause when he was outside the bubble,this he HAD to do to SURVIVE.
This became his EVERYTHING. Work,play,hobby..everything.
Now when he entered the bubble,he didn't have to garden. Food is down the block in this supermarket where you find food from all over the world. And affordable cause you did what society told you and you can afford it. You don't have to excersize in this bubble.
You can sit on your ass all day and make money because society made it this way.
Even the beggars looking for beer money on the streets aren't that malnurished. They just want a beer.
Now these people living in the bubble have this wonderful gift.
The gift of choosing.
You can choose to sit on your ass,or you can choose to go to Bally's®.
Outside the bubble,your only real choice is work day and night on the field...or die.
Sometimes I wish I could leave this bubble,and do hard physical work in order to survive.
And I wouldn't have a choice in this matter.
I think if I would have stayed in the philipines,I would have been much more like my grandfather.
The joys of life being with the earth day in and day out. Eating only once a day after a good day working,even if it's just a bowl of rice. I find people like my grandfather have so much history. So much pain in their past. So much...surviving.
The bubble takes away the need to survive. So we look for entertainment. Things that will give us joy. Movies,Internet. Television. Music.
Yet with all these things happening in the bubble,wonderful things..things people outside the bubble can only dream of having,people still choose in this bubble,to kill themselves.
Why? Because our animal instincts to survive were taken away from us,and replaced with...Boredom.
My work partner that rolls with me every day for the past 10 years has been let go today. I don't want to go with any details but she's gone and that's that.|
Now I have to pick another work partner to roll with and I don't want to. In fact,I want to roll alone with three of my guys. I have six guys now. They can be pretty bad,but I love them all.
I told them to pick any three. They will have a third meeting with me tomorrow.
Yes. Third meeting. I already had two today. Basically my bosses as always would like to pry into my mind and wonder what is going on in there. But this time they want my opinion!
My opinion. Yea I'll give them my FUCKING OPINION!
My truck payment.
I need my job.
So I suckered up.
I feel awful.
FUCKING SUCKS MAN.
Back in the day my buddy and I caught the bus and took us from Rockland County,New York to the Big Apple aka New York City. We were dropped off at 42nd street terminal and spent the whole day walking around,taking the subway to China town and stuff. Late in the day (We didn't get back home till like 2 in the morning barely catching the last bus of the day) we strolled down 42nd street to check out all the action.|
There were these skank ho's offering head for 20 bucks and other places where dancers danced like store mannequins behind a glass. Then these 24 hour porn theaters that played really played out porn and everything reeked of ammonia.
We decided to check out this "Club" The smell of ammonia was everywhere in here and all the ladies were wearing almost nothing. Then we checked out these "rooms".
Just a door. Walk in and it's like a closet. Put a dollar in the slot then suddenly a little trap door opens in front of you and these topless skank ho's are walking around each open trap door offering a feel for your buck. Then in the middle of this "Arena" were this couple fucking real slow cause I guess they needed to be there for hours. Then all these happy faces of guys looking out their trap doors and feeling titties.
They smelled something awful. Like the smell of a woman's workout center.
But what really got to me was when my eyes adjusted to the room I was in the walls were just COVERED in cum stains.
I'll never forget that.
Even out here in Denver all these porn places got those rooms but with tv's instead of that so called live show.
So I'm asking myself...Who invented all this?
Did some pervert get caught jacking off in his room by his mother one day then thought"If only I had a more private place to jack off" and got an idea?
Build it and they will cum??
I mean WHO IN THEIR RIGHT FUCKING MIND would be so horny as to jack off in a room full of ammonia and other people's cum?
This world is full of crazy people.
It took me everywhere.|
It left mean fucking burnouts.
From a rolling start.
On dry pavement.
It was fast.
It was ugly.
But that was ok.
Cause no one wanted to steal it.
I just bought 2 10 inch woofers in an enclosure and an amp for it.
So it would thump as well.
And it did.
People were wondering if those sounds were really comming from that piece of shit truck.
And it was.
I let my boy use my truck today. He liked that it had a system. It sounded nice.
But when he bought it home,it went CLANK CLANK CLANK CLANK.
I knew it was comming. I heard this sound just yesterday.
This is the sound of DEATH RATTLE. Con rod let go. Compression test showed it. All cylinders fine but the #5 cylinder showed no reading. Not even a blip on the gauge.
Used engine looking at $400.00. Popped the hood. So many rusted bolts especially around the headers. No time to work cause I can't really leave my client down here alone for hours on end while I wrench that motor out. Then there's the engine lift and other unforseen things. I haven't changed a motor in years although it's gravy work in a truck. But it's alot of rusted bolts and bruised knuckles. You see,ANYONE can change a motor if every nut will loosen with little effort.
But with only hand tools,one nut will ruin the whole day.
Is it time to retire ol' "Big Red"? Rust everywhere,5 or 6 coats of paint speckled about everywhere.
Real fucking ugly. But that's my baby. $600.00 and it was mine. 3 years of joy. NO. I'm saving you! I CAN FIX YOU!!!! There I was. Sobbing like a baby. Out on the street. In front of my house.
Neighbors looking out their windows. I didn't fucking care.
So I took my wife's car for a drive and pulled in to a buy here pay here lot. These are nice cause they up the price some but no interest in payments.
I walked around and there it was. A black Ford F150,1992. Dual tanks,2WD (preferred) 5 speed. I really don't like the straight 6,but I haven't owned a manual in a while and the interior is a whole lot nicer than my truck. Exterior got's one minor dent on the bed,no rust and a bed liner.
I casually walked in and said "entertain me on that truck right there." $500.00 down,$200,00 a month for 14 months was all they said."well shit then" is all I said. Took it for a test ride. It drove nice. Pretty peppy for a 6 cylinder but not quick like Big Red was. I arranged to pick it up Wednesday when I could give them the down payment. Pics later.
When I came home though,I got in my truck. I started it up. Clank Clank Clank. Turned it off.
I said "Thank you Big Red for 3 years of pure joy"
I had plans for it man. I was gonna paint it stealth bomber black. Basically the darkest primer I could find. But it was nearing 300,000 miles. I realised then it was time to go.
I'll part it out and sell it to the junkyard like the way my ghettobird went.
I'm sure gonna miss that truck.
My daughter turned 14 yesterday. She get's like 50 text messages a day. She's got school friends and friends from dancing school. And she's kicked so many boys to the curb lately,it's been a weekly thing. New boyfriend every Monday and shit.|
She's in accelerated classes,in the Honor roll,and other things to fucking brag about.
I'm very proud of her. She is my life. My joy.
But I'm proud not because of her achievements.
But because she loves me too.
My son will be 17 in June. He's been thru 3 girlfriends that I know of. He's always away,but he keeps in touch. His grades are average. The occasional "A" but mostly B's and C's.
He found a job on his own. The owner I'm told gave him a promotion from fryer to something else. Owner tells me he's doing good and he's barely been there almost 2 weeks now.
His first real job. And above minimum wage.
Half a year now driving on his own.
And smart enough to stay away from trouble.
He's turning into a man.
I'm very proud of him. He's my life. My joy.
But I'm proud not because of his achievements.
But because he loves me too.
This is not a cry for help. I just want to clarify.|
When I post here it comes from my heart.
When I say I don't know,I really don't know.
I really like Dr Suess books.
It really gives me joy.
I really wanted to know what was in everyone elses noses.
Yet it turned into an "all about me" thread.
I really believe in Santa.
And god damm it I really saw him on my roof that night.
And when I say EEEEEEEE!!!!,I'm actually saying it before I type it in.
To relieve stress,every morning at work,I really do run around the halls,
Shake my hands and arms around and yell AAAAAAAAYYYYYYEEEEEE!!!!
No one else is there so it's ok.
But my boss told me to behave.
I said ok.
It's too much fun.
I can't stop.
But I like learning.
And I'm getting smarter every day.
And it's all because of you guys.
Yesterday I was with the person I care for and we went to the supermarket. I just had a cigarette and as I was walking in the store I got real dizzy. So I sat down and just sat there. I checked my pulse and.....I couldn't find it.|
Now I have been told time and time again to never second guess. If you think you're in trouble,you better get to a hospital.
But the other half of me thought about who's gonna take care of my guy? He really dosen't do well with anyone exept myself (I've known him like 8 years now,in my care for the past 2) his mom that lives an hour away,and my work partner that lives 30 minutes away. He does good with my family but only when I'm there.
So I just stood there till I wasn't dizzy anymore. Then my pulse came back. Then I checked my blood pressure at that blood pressure machine in the store and it read 148/79. My heart beat was at 110 a minute. And this was at rest.
I finished shopping,came home,and rested the rest of the day;got on the forum for a little while,and felt better today.
I'm gonna see my doctor this week. I know she's gonna tell me to quit smoking and hold off on meats and excersize more. And she may up my blood pressure dose.
GODDAMM I want to live. I have every reason for doing so. Too many people depend on me. Not just my family which defines my life and is my life,but the person I care for depends on me and my job needs me much more than I need them. Seriously.
But it's hard,man. So very FUCKING hard.
I can only do one thing at a time or I'll go nuts. I need to quit smoking. I had ONE cigarette today and I got all dizzy again. I'll just stop thinking about smoking and buy more Ginger Altoids®(eee!)
I eat too much. I had a salad today for lunch. Four fucking dollars. I could have ordered Four double cheeseburgers with that. Then when I came home and gave dinner to the guy I care for,the urge to eat was great. But I only ate half a burrito and water.
If I could do this for 30 days,I've developed the habit and it will come easier.
When it's nice,the guy I care for and I walk around the block after work so that's excersize there.
But NO MORE midnight snacks. Hunger pains tell me I'm alive. Water is good. I must keep telling that to myself. Two Ginger Altoids® is better than one puff of a smoke.
My pressure is back to normal again. I had no pains then and no pains now. In fact,right now,I feel great. But that's when it's dangerous. That's when you think it's ok to light up and it's ok to go to the buffet.
I don't want to die.
I'm gonna beat this.
Goddamm it I'm gonna be a grandfather,cause I know I'll be real good at that.
And I'm gonna die old.
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