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8 March 2005
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So I got a letter from Hennepin County today saying that they are charging me with DWI for my arrest on 5 August 2004. It's a gross misdemeanor. That, and about $15K in IRS debt is my legacy for six years with Matt. He left me for another guy - he still won't call him his boyfriend - and I gave him my apartment and signed a six-month lease in my name.
Why did I give him my apartment? He said it would be petty and mean to make him find another place for all his furniture, but what does he call leaving me for another guy? He said it wasn't about Dave, but about him being unhappy. Okay, so he met Dave online a few weeks before, and then met him at a bar the week before he said he wanted to break up. I guess that's just a happy coincidence to his unhappiness. It doesn't really matter, I guess. It's done anyway. But why did I just split? There's nothing for me here. I can't work. I can't get around. I have no money. I'm just wasting my time and keeping Dad company. And I'm letting Dad pay the $250/month I owe the IRS. Real esteem-builders there. And Matt is going out to eat every night with Dave and telling me he's already bored with him and going out to lunch with another guy on Thursday. He also says that he's really happy with his life now and doing so much better and feeling healthier and losing weight and not smoking as many cigarettes and not smoking pot at all.
I keep telling him I'm glad he's happy, and that I wish he'd keep an open mind about us in the distant future. Why the hell do I do that? Why the hell do I want anything to do with him? And if Dave's not his boyfriend, why does he want me to keep it a secret that he's having lunch with Steve on Thursday? And why is he even telling me this stuff?
And I keep telling him that I miss him, that I'm lost without him, that I don't know how to act or what to do or what to think. And he and Dave are sleeping in my apartment while Matt thinks of who else he'd like to have sex with and marveling over how much fun he's having now that he's single. They're flying together somewhere soon; Dave gave him a ticket for Valentine's Day with his frequent flyer miles. How sweet. Why did I give him my apartment? Why did I leave when he was the one who wanted out? Why did I quit my job and leave town a week after he told me he wanted to break up? Why didn't I just tell him to give me his key and get out? Hell, it would've been cheaper for Dad to loan me the money to get me by til I found better work than it was to pay to have me down here and all the attendant expense that that involves.
My job would've ended soon enough, but perhaps not. Brian, my boss, was sad to see me go, but not sad to lose the extra expense of keeping me. The big placement I made in January fell out, because the restaurant changed hands and the new owners let him go on his second day in order to bring their own team in. But I'd been further in debt to Brian before and pulled it out nicely. And I could've gotten another job. I wasn't lookin for that one when he recruited me for it, anyway.
Matt's mad at a guy we both befriended a while back and both chat with online and on the phone still. This guy called Matt and laid into him about leaving me and how nice he thinks I am and how Matt should just admit that he's in love with Dave - he really belabored that point, apparently. Matt was pissed at him and won't talk to him anymore. I'm wonderin why the hell the guy did it, and did he think he was doin me a favor by sayin that shit or what. But that's between Matt and the friend and Dave, because apparently this guy is also talkin shit about Dave to people they both know and Dave is really pissed about it. Great. At least that's one good reason for me to be away from Minneapolis.
There are other reasons - great reasons. I can do anything I like here and not answer to anyone for it. I can work or not work any time I want. I can stay up as late and sleep as late as I want. I can grow just about anything I want, other'n pot, and not have to justify it to Dad. I can hang out with my Dad all the time and do whatever we like and cut up and watch movies and read books and write letters - or just write, period - and nobody is hangin around to tell me what to do or when to get up or where to go or anything like that. For keeping him company, driving him around and working on the farm, Dad will fork over the $250 every month for the IRS bill, the $30 (as of this month) for the Ranch rent, and whatever I need in the way of pocket money for carryin around. He got me a dog, though it was officially his dog, and she keeps me company and thinks I'm the best guy on earth. She's never more than a few feet away and watches everything I do and loves me just as messed up as I am.
So why do I still want Matt, and why do I miss him so much? And why do I hang out online so much when the weather is nice and there's so much cool stuff for me to do? I couldn't stand him most of the last six months we were together. He was a lump. He didn't want to have sex. He didn't want to work more hours and help with the bills. He never talked to me about what was bothering him or told me how he honestly felt. He was just doing time until he found something he thought was more interesting. He was always bored, because he's about the most boring person I've ever been with most of the time. I called him Princess when I was resenting him for all that. And I worshipped him, or the idea I had of him.
You shouldn't put people on pedestals. Those things are slippery and the air is thin up there. And when they fall, what are you left with?
I guess I do hope he's happy. Hell, I couldn't really say I loved him and not mean that, at the very least. The rest is just hurt pride and resentment and wounded feelings, and I volunteered for all that shit.
I have cabbage and brussel sprouts to plant tomorrow, and the tiller ain't workin worth a damn. I have seed potatoes as well that Dad will cut up and sprinkle sulphur on and have ready to go in the ground in a day or two. The belts for the tiller won't be here til about the 14th. So I'll have to find some other way to get the ground ready for em. Nothin wrong with usin a rake and some sweat and just dealin with the work involved. It's a restorative.
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