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I feel sick
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So I had pretty much given up the idea of pursuing art in an institution, along with the painful and constant debates over "What is Art?" THere was also the professor who got in my face telling me that he didnt want to hear any more of my bullshit.
I just quit. changed my major. got the hell out of there. I still make art, but its my art, not theirs. Its not really a big deal anyway.
i mean its not like anyone ever really liked my stuff. I never received compliments or scholarships or buying offers like all my friends did. In fact the few people who have my art are giving it to other people. but you know it wasnt that big of a deal, because i had always been sort of a literature freak as well, i enjoy reading good books.
So i changed my major to English. went okay for awhile, but the other day i was forced to speak in front of everyone on a subject im not too familiar with.. and i got nervous, when i get nervous i make an ass of myself, started doing stupid things to make them laugh to distract them from the fact that i didnt know what i was talking about.
but as the day dragged on and i went to my other classes, the thought occurred to me. Im a fucking idiot. I dont have smart and thoughtful analysis like the others, and i have trouble writing papers, even though i led myself to believe that i could write.
So nobody likes my art, and I cant write papers..WHAT THE HELL!?
What am i supposed to do?
Im really lost. I cant talk to anyone i know cause they just think im a compliment whore..but i really have no idea what im supposed to do. Is there a way i can get smarter? am i supposed to work at the mall for the rest of my life?
man, this sucks...
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So lately I've been a little depressed
OK a lot
and kinda feel bad cause ive been freaking out on a friend who doesnt
really need that...and theyre a great friend and i feel terrible
theres this overwhelming sense of impending doom and worthlessness
i think that i am finally being crushed by the world and conforming into
a bitter person, which is the one thing i have dreaded my entire life.
on the basis that all the bitter people i know have all ended up alone
but it seems like no matter what i do people are not going to like me that much. I DONT KNOW.
and my family isnt very supportive. I am constantly hearing critical comments from my brother
"what are you going to do with an Art degree? why dont you take some accounting classes and be jusssstt likkkkkee mmeeeeeeeeeee?"
ok well i feel a bit better but im sure the one poor sap who reads this
feels angry for wasting your time
and my sisters only advice is to get medicated up like she does and my friend thinks the solution to everything is water and herbs.....
smoking them or drinking them?
i dont know which
so........
do you know which bus goes downtown?
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i think i must be going insane on a level that is new to me, im lying to everyone, ive skipped almost all of my classes and ive missed one major test already.
I sat in the library today, writing on a major paper that is due in merely a few days. i finished the paper and then stared at it reading it over and over again, it was quite good one of the best ive written. I held my finger on the delete button and watched it dissapeer word for word.and i dont plan on rewriting it. i seem to have been doing that lately, deleting parts of my life, being my age i was suckered into doing what all those i know are doing, having a xanga or myspace...both of which i detest, not for what they are but for who use them, but its not as though anyone ever read them or gave a damn about me anyway, long ago did i come to terms with the fact that i have no friends and am condidered annoying and pathetic by most others, so i failed to find the purpose of these so i deleted both of them, cancelling my accounts.
and no sooner did i do that than did i recieve emails and instant messages and phone calls as to why i did this, i informed all of them that i was aware that they didnt care, so to stop fretting over something that an hour from now im sure that theyre to forget all about. Besides i fucking hated every moment of that xanga, i never used it for its purpose because i knew the people who would read it. what also i did not like was the random comments of people who obviously did not even read what i had written, these people merely informed me"I LOVE YOU COURTNEY, YOUR SO FUNNY" yeah well ha fucking ha.....i hope they die a horrible death. i am not funny i am heartless, just like you said. so im glad i canceled it, i feel a little bit better.
and so i am finished with my inane and pointless rambling and yes i already know that the overwhelming response will be "fuck off" and it is your "fuck off"s that keep me coming back....
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well here i am agian, bored out of my small twisted mind, at a computer in the libary of the college i am attending. which i shall now say offers no academic challenge, and even if it did i would not attempt to match it. So i will fill the void of time between classes with random babblings of my mind. This is a hint that you might want to go back to the main page now before you are sucked into the void that is my pathetic-ness. I had left two of my books in the library tuesday, their totals equalling $115. and when i came back to retreive them they were gone, i feared having to buy replacements but was relieved yesterday afternoon when i was informed that they had been found, i went to the safety office only to find out that the student workers had not one idea as to what they were doing and was not able to retrieve my books untill this morning. And soon after the retreival of my books, i was standing in line at the on campus store, ready to purchase my orange juice and black pen, congradulating myself on the luck of finding my lost books, when the girl in front of me held up a Saturn key on the end of a bright green Chevy keychain." I found this in the parking lot..." she began to the cashier when i exclaimed that that was MY key...and readily hit myself as soon as i was alone. This has indeed happened before, me forgetting where i put things and then finding them in an obvious place, or me losing things and not realizing that i had done so. I had always feared this to come back to haunt me, as when i was younger that and the panic attacks encouraged my mother to sedate me on ritalin for about 6 years, very little of which i remember. alas i have even bored myself as of this moment and will now vacate from this place to one with a sofa and there i shall sleep...
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i went to take a test to place in a higher math....i got there at 8:27, and i was told to return at 8:30 when they opened, i returned at 9:15 and made a point of asking if it was 8:30 yet, then i failed the test,..............
..................oh well
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this is actually pretty funny, and i laughed and so will you....i went throguh all the pictures taken from last christmas...i was in one picture...and someones thumb cut off my head.....story of my life.....but it was pretty amusing...
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Well ive just spent the last 5 hours typing up a story that some friends and myself composed together before going our separate ways...and since i was the only one with a hard copy, i typed it up and am now going to send it to them through e-mail, maybe now theyll leave me alone about it... Its actually quite an interesting story line. It takes place in a trailer park and it is a love story, and in this trailer park there is a starving artist with homosexual tendencies, a mexican nudist, a prostitute, a count, an old woman with twenty cats and a shotgun and of course the two star crossed lovers, one of which is more white trash than most could evr hope to acheive and the other is just a girl who loves crack. Its kind of like a love hexagon, its not that bad...
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Its raining again, but ive noticed that it hardly ever rains here..it just acts like it does. thunder, Lighting and clouds as dark as the night, but no rain would dare to fall from those clouds far overhead. But now it is raining, if only for a moment of bliss and then to quickly retreat back to the heavens and to allow the sun long and painfull hours of blistering light. FUCK its hot!
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