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Growin' up is hard to do.
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There are things we each carry along with us, emotional baggage we don't need yet find it hard to let go of. At least this holds true for me.
I've been holding onto a lot of anger, bitterness and resentment towards my daddy for over a quarter of a century.
Fuckin' A, that shit happened when I was a kid, I'm an adult now and the only thing it's been doing is dragging me down, on a [s]few[/s] many levels.
That's long enough.
I have tried to talk to him, to get to know him on a personal level these past couple of years since re-connecting back up with them. He always hid behind his god and our time spent together always ended badly. I had decided last year to move away from NY, was contimplating moving nearer to them but after last summers episode, it's best I don't.
Since then, I have let go of wanting to get to know him, I give up, I do not want to force myself into his life.
I've started focusing more on my immediate family, the ones that are here with me and want to get close to me, and be part of my life. I need to focus and worry more about my family now, not my past and not let my past hinder me anymore. I wish there were a way to erase my memory, and forget it all. I have been seeking a closure that I had given up hope in ever getting, moving on with an empty space inside.
But building with an air pocket is no good.
Daddy called me the other day, right out of the blue. He apologized to me for many things, owning up to his shortcomings as a father.
Well, his words were...'I know I wasn't a good father to you and I am sorry; at least we had food on the table. That counts for something, right?'
Soooo many things rushed thru my head at that moment. The times I did keep in touch and he never told momma, how I had held it all in and wished to vent my anger on him, the hurtful words I was going to say to him if he ever admitted his wrong....they were all gone, faded into the distance and I don't know why. I couldn't find it in me to hurt him back.
After a long silence, I could only find the words,yes, it counts, to say in return then softly hung up the phone.
Decompression set in, air pocket slowly fading.
solid now.
New prospective. It's starting to heal over.
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They have moved further south last fall, and momma asks me since to move and be near them. As much as I would love to live next to them...I can't.
Something has changed inside me and I can't explain it. It changed before daddy called. I'm not sure if I understand it enough to explain it and I fail miserably trying to express myself in words.
I have spent hours alone thinking. Re evaluating my life and have come to the decision it is high past time for a new start, a new beginning. I can be soooo much more than I have become. I have alot of talent I keep hidden for fear of failing again and fuckin it up, which has been par for course in my life.
Until now.
I realize my life is my own and I'm not tied to my past in any way, not anymore. I love my momma and may in time feel the same for my daddy, I dunno, we shall see. I've searched high and low for the anger I held inside for him and I can't find it.
Oddly enough, it's not that I don't care. I do care, but not to the extend that it will have any bearing in my life anymore.
Once, there was a time I wanted to fill the void in my life, to catch up and build a relationship with my parents that I didn't have.
But not now, it is too late now.
I choose to fill that void with my own family, building my future, not wasting my time reconstructing the past.
A bridge over water.
Gabriel sliced the spiritual cord. Free at last. I am my own. Forgiven and forgetting rapidly. Healing feels soooo good.
Near 40 years in up to this point. Not wasted at all mind you. Gram taught me to learn from other's experiences and I have been faithful in that. I have picked up many words of wisdom from others and have applied them to my life.
I've found a gem on my own!
My husband and I have made a decision, and that is to move west and start life anew, this summer if all goes well. Away from influences and attachments of family *his and mine*. A dear friend told me,'some times it's best to love someone from afar', he is such a wise man.
I am so excited, I feel like I'm going to burst holding it in. Lately I busy myself getting ready. It's going to be a great next 40 years, I feel it!
Phase two in this earthern vessels life. No more talk of my past, I leave it there.
Growin up sometimes produces body aches and I reserve the right to complain if needed.
I've tried at least a dozen times to write this, this is the best it gets, I hope it is understandable. No doubt for those who do know me, they will understand.
I do thank each of you here that have helped me. Believe it or not, just you being here makes a difference.
I give many thanks those who have perhaps went well beyond what I thought they should have, to reach out and help me thru this mess that was my life. Thank you for teaching me the real meaning and true value of friendship.
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