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What I am, I am knot
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Warning: this post is nothing other than introspection. I'm writing it down for my own purposes, and in case anyone else would be curious. But if you are inclied to respond "What a pile of narcissistic garbage", then please be assured there is no need.
I had some sort of major existential crisis in the car on the way home from work last night.
Since I was a young teenager, I have been trying to figure out just who the heck I am. I look at myself, my behavior, and I try to understand why I do what I do. Many times, I seem to see just a hollow shell; I can't find anything at my core.
I am a chameleon. On most issues, I tend to agree with the person I am talking to. I have always told myself that it is because I try to maintain an open mind, and see everything from others' perspectives in order to understand tham. Last night, though, it seemed to me more likely that I have no core to understand from. That inside me, there is nothing immutable or stable, no solid place from which I could make judgments. I don't know if I had one and eroded it away to nothing, or if I never had one in the first place, but I was having trouble finding anything last night.
It has always been important to me to be "good", but last night I couldn't find what good meant. My religious faith, which would suggest that there is an objective good outside myself, has been a little shaky of late, and I felt compelled to question what guides me. Last night, it seemed to me that what I define as "good" is more likely "what makes other people like me".
I've always known that I have a great need for approval, and to be liked. Looking inside myself, though, I was alarmed to find that I couldn't find anything else at my center. If at my core I am nothing more that a desire to have other people like me, it would make sense that most of my behaviors and opinions fluctuate from moment to moment. What sort of person is that, though, who has no center, no core? It seems to me that such a person is almost valueless.
The image that came into my mind was of a tangle of ropes. From inside me, there are ropes stretching out to other people, and those ropes pull on me. It seemed to me that my center was nothing more than a knot in the ropes, with no substance aside from the tension of opposite forces. That knot may feel like a distinct entity, but really, it's nothing more than tangled ropes. There isn't anything there which is real, solid. The knot is nothing more than the ropes which pull on it.
What do I do which I would not do differently?
What values are at my core, and independent of others?
If I were free of any responsibility, and nobody even knew of my existence, would I be anything at all?
If I were alone in the world--no other people, but ample resources--what would I do with my time?
The thought that my wanting to do good is really nothing more than wanting to do what people approve of is profoundly disturbing to me.
I'm still not sure. It may be that that need to be liked is itself some core, invariant quality (but what a lousy thing to build a person on!). I have come up with a few other potential candidates. I love stories. I love creating things, such as computer programs.
I think maybe this is why I have always felt drawn to some sort of solitary adventure, like hiking the Appalachian Trail. Maybe what I need is a good vision quest--to go off alone, strip away all relationships and responsibilites, strip away all supports, and see what's left underneath. If anything.
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