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Finding and Losing My Religion
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I've posted many times on the Asylum in defense of religious belief, tolerance of religious belief in others, etc. I've even argued fairly extensively about it with various folks. It thus strikes me as somewhat ironic that, in the last few months, I have been having more and more trouble with the concept of faith in general, and my own faith in particular.
While I was raised in a somewhat vague Methodist church, my parents never made a strong effort to indoctrinate me with any religious beliefs. Until late childhood, around 10 or 11, I think, I was pretty much areligious; I just didn't think about it very much.
In early teenagerhood, I had several experiences (both personal and external) which established some amount of religious belief. I found myself thinking about the existence of God more often, and about God's nature. Now, if and when I went to church, I paid more attention. I read the New Testament, and parts of the Old Testament (still have never been able to read Leviticus), and began to identify as Christian. I was not particularly dogmatic, but generally held a belief in the existence and benevolence of a single God. even then, I wasn't so sure about Jesus, but God seemed likely. I sang in the church choir, went on some church trips, and such. I never wanted to do any evangelism, and never did.
In high school, I spent a fair amount of time with a group affiliated with Campus Crusade for Christ. It was led by a woman named Deb, who was (and is) one of the kindest, most gentle, and most generous people I have ever known. She was an evangelical, devout Christian, but did not press any of us to adopt those beliefs; I think she was more interested in simply being present in our lives and providing guidance when asked. It was around this time that I began directly praying to God, asking for God's direction in my life, trying to open myself to God's will.
In college, I identified as Christian with many questions, and not accepting of many doctrines. I was studying science, and becoming increasingly inclined to critical inquiry and thought. In some ways, though, the intensity of my faith increased; I dated a woman who was more devout that I was, but also skeptical of many aspects of Christianity. During college, I believed in a personal and benevolent God, and accepted the importance of Christ (with the suspicion that other religions were alternate paths to the same truth), but I remained nondoctrinal.
In graduate school, while I continued to profess a belief in God, I found that the strength and relevance of my faith varied from month to month. and gradually I came to where I have found myself in the last months--a person who wants to believe in God, both because of my own experiences and because the beauty and elegance ofthe natural worldincline me to believe in a source of that beauty, but who is having increasing trouble rationalizing that belief and remining intellectually honest. More and more, the arguments of atheists make sense to me; that it is not rational to believe in the specific Christian concept of God, possibly any concept of God. My attitude in prayer in the last five years or so has generally been "God, please forgive me for not being at all sure about Your existence", but of late that has been striking me as a manifestation more of cowardice and childishness than humility and honesty.
More and more, I have come to think that if there is a God, then that God *must* make sense. The universe seems to operate entirely logically; it seems that any God involved in its creation must have made it that way for a reason. The idea that a God would have made thisuniverse, and then arranged matters such that the fate of one's soul would depend on believing in certain specific things about God and behaving in certain ways--none of which have solid logical bases--and would then allow multiple conflicting interpretations of those wishes, most of which are largely incompatible, except in their broadest claims, and provide no way to be sure which of those competing sets of rules is the "right" one, is incomprehensible to me. If that isindeed the case, then that God must be either malicious or operating by principles and towards goals which I cannot understand. That latter may well be the case, but then I am helpless; there is nothing I can do to be in line with the will of such a God.
The alternative is that none of those religions are themselves entirely (or possibly at all) true. It is not logically possible that all religions are equally true. If none of them have it right, then how should one decide what to believe about God? One can certainly conclude that there is no God, or that there is a God about whom we know nothing for certain. That is the possibility which is growing in my mind; since my earlier conceptions of God no longer make sense to me. I still want to believe in God, but I'm not sure why; maintaining a foolish consistency does not seem to me to be virtuous, and as many have recently pointed out (I just read Sam Harris's Letter to a Christian ation, and I am remembering some things 3MTA3 has said, with the insults conveniently edited out  ), a vaguely held irrational belief may not be harmless.
None of it makes sense anymore. One of the few things I have ever thought which still seems to me to hold truth is this idea:
"Whatever comes of love, honor, and respect is of God"
God, if you are there, and you are the sort of God who listens to prayer, then please hear me. I am lost. I don't know what to believe. The conceptions of your nature I have known do not make sense to me anymore.
If you are there, and you are the benevolent God I have always believed in, then I am reaching out to you. I cannot see you, and I am increasingly doubtful whether I ever have. If you are there, I want to do your will; if you are the benevolent Creator of the universe, then I trust you to have a plan for me, and a place for me in the universe, and I want to fulfill that purpose. But I don't know that purpose, and people seem to disagree about what your will is. None of the Scriptures I have read of any faith make sense to me except as stories and poems and philosophy, none strike me with the impact of the word of God. If you are God, then your word should be undeniable; I have not found it.
God, if you are there, I can only make this appeal; if there is something you want me to do, then I pray you will help me to know what it is, and help me to know the time and place. I can only do what seems to me to be the right thing, using all the powers of understanding I can muster, and that I will do. If you want something of me, then I must pray for you to inspire me and guide me, in whetever way seems best to you, to help me to do your will. I will continue to seek you; I will learn all I can, and try to avoid harming anyone in the meantime. I will do what I can to seek peace between people, mutual understanding and respect, and goodwill between all men and women. If you are the God I have always believed in, and been taught about, then I believe you have promised not to abandon those who seek you. I must trust that you will not abandon me; that you will help me find my place in your will. If you are there, then I must believe that even in my doubt--even in agnosticism and skepticism--you hold me in your hands, and will not let me go. In the absence of stone tablets and burning bushes, though, I will make my decisions based on what I can learn of the world and a desire to do good wherever I can.
If you're not there, then hopefully this plan of mine will do as little harm as possible.
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