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Walking disabilities...
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Walking; it is something taken for granted by most of us who have not suffered a disability that has affected or removed this capability. It is something most of us learn early on in our lives and cling to throughout; but not all of us. There are those among us that may have learned how to walk, but have absolutely no idea how to walk.
You will find that the ratio of “bad walkers” is exactly the same as the ratio of bad drivers. I call this the People Walk Like They Drive (PWLTD) Phenomenon. If you have ever walked anywhere a lot of other people are walking, then you know exactly what I am talking about. If you have ever directed the thought or uttered the exclamation “WALK!” to another pedestrian, then you know what I am talking about. Some people, despite their physical ability to do so, simply can’t walk and, being the diligent observer of my fellow man that I am, I have compiled a list of walking disabilities of the walking:
1) Miles Standish – This disability is at the top of the hierarchy of walking malfunctions and is recognizable by the lack of motion presented by the afflicted. This non-walker has no compunction over stopping and/or standing in the middle of pedestrian traffic to dial a cell phone, stare slack-jawed at their surroundings, or rummage about their personal effects, which they would, in fact, be if I had my wish.
2) Dead man walking – This particular walking ailment is somewhat self-explanatory. It is that person that can’t walk (literally) that has failed to recognize this so that others can do what they cannot. Rather than taking a course down one side or the other of a pedestrian corridor, this detritus of walkdom prefers going right down the middle like a blood clot in one of the Pope’s arteries.
(3) Eight obviously wasn’t enough – These are the people that decided that it indeed takes a village to raise a child. They have kids and lots of them; AND they feel that the number of their tribe allows them to caravan at a pace worthy of their numbers. They have double-wide, double-decker strollers (that's ‘prams’ to the rescued) and if they aren’t wearing at least one item made of wool or fleece or sandals with socks, they are likely terrorists. And terrorists they are as they move along the crowded avenue like a flotilla of slugs.
4) The Kamikaze – Again, the name of this breed of walk-challenged dolts says it all. They are the ones that, failing to understand the flow of traffic, walk headlong into the oncoming throng like Ted Kennedy trying to get to the bar before last call and after someone yelled “fire”.
5) Fat Bastard – This non-walker is as far at the bottom of the 'walking slow' food chain as they are at the top of the fast food chain. These are those who are either too fat to overcome the friction of their own inner thighs or have opted to sit their fat asses in a motorized scooter and thus think they are driving. However, since people walk like they drive and drive like they walk, these fat fucks end up being the same assholes you have to follow into work every day; and you are on VACATION!
(6) The Walky-Talky – This individual is wired for everything, except walking. They come in a number of models, the most popular being the Everyone here at the airport, park, hotel, etc., loves to hear my voice and is perfectly happy to wait while I check my email here in the walkway v8.2.
This is my short list, and I would like to get additions if you have them. Otherwise, walk, don’t run, to the nearest exit.
“WALK!" For the love of god, "WALK!”
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