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My Half-Living Will
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My Half-Living Will
Due to recent events I have determined that, not only do I need a “living will”, but that a “half-living will” is in order. For this purpose I lift the cyber quill from its digital well and do jot.
I understand that, as an incompetent adult, I have the right to make decisions about my health care. There may come a time when I have decomposed to a level that might become unacceptable to my caregiver(s). As such I would like to make it perfectly clear what my wishes are related to the sustaining of what little life may exist in my rotting corpse. To my caregiver(s) I say, “Put some Vicks VapoRub® under your nose and get on with that sponge bath.”
You see, I want to stay alive; not because I give a rat’s ass about living, but because I want to be a pain in everyone’s ass for as long as I possibly can. As I lie there in my state of decay, I will glean my last shred of carnal amusement by knowing that someone has to contend with the slurry in my bedpan and the bits of me that keep falling off onto the bed sheets. It’s a quality of half-life thing and I plan to cling to it like a Massachusetts Senator does to a martini glass.
Therefore, let it be known that, even though I may look dead, and may smell dead, I am still quite alive and want to stay that way. It’s the least I can do; anything less would be nothing at all.
Signed this 30th day of March, 2005
Trenchant_Troll
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