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How to Build a Poodle
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 Why anyone would want a poodle is beyond my ability to comprehend. A poodle is to a dog what Michael Jackson is to a Black man.
France, of course, is recognized as the country that this gayest of dog breeds got its start, although some authorities attribute Germany as the country of origin (as if there is a difference). To quote and Internet poodle website this is what poodles desire: “Frequent trimming, brushing and shampooing of the Standard Poodle coat. Ears must be kept very clean. Nails trimmed short and teeth brushed weekly. Even the pet poodle should attend the canine beauty parlor every six weeks or so. The Standard Poodle enjoys a fair amount of exercise like swimming and retrieving, walks or free run. Makes a great jogging partner.”
Jogging partner? What the hell does that mean? Do the limp-wristed losers that actually own this breed of dog even run? And if they run, what in the name of god does their “running partner” offer in the way of companionship along the way? Perhaps the “poodle cut” explains this nicely. Anyhoo…back to the matter at hand.
If you are pathetic enough to want to own a poodle, I have developed an easy and fun way to do so. Now, I am working on the assumption that any prospective poodle owner possesses or knows someone that possesses a cat. You see the difference between a cat and a poodle is what? If you said ‘grooming’ then you can move on to the next round. Grooming (aka appearance) is the only thing that really distinguishes a poodle from a cat. Sure, sure, one’s a feline the other a canine, but let’s get real. Poodles are cats, and cats are poodles. End of story.
So, we move on to the purpose of this nonsense:
How to build a poodle.
Materials required:
1 – Cat
1 - Toni® Home Perm Kit
1 - Toni® Home Bleach Kit (optional)
1 – Wood Lathe
1 – Well-sharpened chisel
1 – Bench vise with at least a 6” (15.2cm) span
1 – Roll of duct tape 1 – Wood chipper (optional)
STEP 1: Select your cat.
STEP 2: Apply perm and OPTIONAL bleach. Try not to puncture the skin with the roller pins more than forty times. Get a beer and laugh at your cat. (Fig.1)
STEP 3: Remove the perm rollers, get another beer, sit down, and laugh at
your cat. (Fig. 2)
STEP 4: Familiarize yourself with your wood lathe. (Fig. 3)
STEP 5: Place your cat on the wood lathe and use well-sharpened chisel to shape. (Fig. 4)
STEP 6: Get a beer, sit, and regard your handiwork. (Fig. 5)
STEP 7: Using your vise and duct tape, create the proper snout effect on your cat…er..poodle. If I have to explain this part to you, then you don’t understand the proper care of pets. (Fig. 6)
Your completed poodle project should look something like the specimen in Fig. 7. If it does not? Try, try, and try again.
Next time we will make a dog out of a cow. Don’t miss it!
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