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Do Not Eat
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Ok, here’s the deal; I have high blood pressure and a cholesterol level that would make my blood a suitable substitute for ski wax. Both of these conditions are conveniently controlled by miracles of modern medicine in the form of drugs. I find the daily ritual of consuming these mass quantities of pills a royal pain in the ass, but yesterday was extra special because it was punctuated by the discovery of a conclusive piece of evidence that proves once and for all that there are some really stupid people on this planet.
Allow me to submit into the record Exhibit A: the SORB-IT® CAN. For those of you who are unfamiliar with this little doodad, it is a small plastic canister about 1.8cm tall and about 1.5cm in diameter. This little vessel is filled with silica gel which apparently has humectant properties and is inserted into pill bottles to absorb moisture so the pills stay dry. Ingenious really, but neither the design of this device nor the use of the substance it contains is what makes it evidentiary in this case. What makes the SORB-IT® CAN a damning testimony against the intelligence of your common man are the three words that are printed boldly upon it: DO NOT EAT.
Now, as I battled my urge to immediately consume the little thing, I found myself pondering: a) how anyone who was sane and had even one functioning brain cell could possibly think that a small plastic canister they find in a pill bottle would be something they should pop in their mouth and swallow, and b) what blithering imbecile decided that someone that stupid would be able to fucking READ!
Having overcome my silica gel craving, I began to muse about what other rather obvious non-food items might contain such ‘heads up’ messages for the literate retards that poison our collective gene pool and thus deserve no such protection from their own idiocy. My inquiring mind led me to begin rummaging though all the noxious products I have kicking around the house to see just what sage advice they might offer to the terminally stupid.
The first one I grabbed from the cleaning cupboard was a spray can of Scotch Gard™ fabric protector which included “Do not spray in mouth, eyes, or on skin” among its helpful hints. Shucks. I found a number of deadly products that told any dunce that happened to peruse their labels: “Do not take internally.” Now, the fascinating thing about this admonishment, beyond the fact that anyone would ever have to be advised not to consume cleaning products and such, is that it almost implies that it is perfectly okay to apply the stuff to yourself externally. So, after giving myself a refreshing spritz from an old bottle of No-Go™ dog training spray, I continued my investigation with our bemused dog looking on with a cocked head.
Febreze® fabric freshening spray had an interesting little caveat on its label: “Do not spray directly at your face.” Hmm. Do you realize the premeditated effort required to defy this warning? I do, because I wanted to see if it was even possible. It is. Anyhoo, after splashing water on my face to make my eyes stop burning, I got back to my project and found a plethora of other clearly toxic substances that carried warnings that were sure to put the kibosh on any discerning window-licker’s creative menu plans.
In the end, and after my vision had cleared enough for me to be able to compose this treasure trove of wisdom to share with you, I found myself both amazed at the infinite stupidity of those I share this planet with, and filled with unmitigated loathing toward the dolts who have the gall to throw bones to the missing links of the future in the form of warnings designed to keep them alive. Do mess with Mother Nature I say. And with that, I will close, because I have just developed a hankering for a nice tall glass of wallpaper remover.
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