What an unglamorous life. It almost sounds like it could be fun, putting your life on the line, leading cops to the bad guys, pretending to be someone you're not. Plus, you're helping the good guys, you're on the right side. When you get into the world of narcotics though, things get blurred. They all want drugs, yea, the dealers are bad, of course, but what about your friends? People you know? And, it's worse when you're caught with 11 tabs of acid on you, buying from an undercover narc agent. Now, it's forced upon you and you have no choice. I live in constant paranoia; did they bug my car? Are they listening to my telephone conversations? I can't even talk frankly with some of my friends b/c I desperately don't want them to be arrested for something I got caught for. So, what do I do? I can snitch, or I can take my licks and let them press charges.
Charges would go on my record forever, even if they were dropped to misdemeanors. I would have to put them on job applications. Misdeamenor drug possession? What drug? Acid, sorry, we can't use you, here's the door. This has the potential to completely screw over my life. I've used pot several times, and never touched anything else, and I got caught in a sting from someone else who was saving their ass from jail time by sending me there. What a hell of a way to go. They have the evidence to convict me, and it's a foregone conclusion, so now I guess it's time to bargain. I was caught six weeks ago, and in a midnight interrogation, they painted a frightening picture. They have audio evidence of my buying, the undercover officer selling it to me, and they found it in my possession. The only way to get myself out of this is to help myself, as they called it. If I knew anyone, friends, acquaintances, anything, then if I just set them up, and took them down, all would be forgiven.
I left that room a broken man.
If I had had a leg to stand on, some chink in their case, I would have fought, and fought madly, but there was none. I had done it, they had it all.
The first things through my mind that night were thoughts I never would think. I thought of all my closest friends and their habits, one was an ex dope fiend, one smoked pot forever and quit, etc, etc. None used currently, but they all had. I'm ashamed of myself for thinking like that. That will be one of the memories that will stay with me forever, considering turning in my friends to save my own ass. The only person outside my immediate family that found out about it was my best friend, and she counseled me to go snitch for them. Unfortunately, I really don't have any drug links, I went through my only one previously, and he had turned me in.
So where was I? I have a felony drug charge hanging over my head, one way out, and no way to use it. They said they could set it up in such a way that they'd never know who snitched em out, and I've run through ways in my head dozens of times, but I'd know, and that's enough. I always wanted to be someone that everyone could trust, and that was my proudest thing about myself, my unflinching honesty, and truth. If I go through with this, will I ever be able to look myself in the eye again? I'm trading the rest of my life for a compromise in my morals for the next few months, and I dunno if I can make the right choice. I dunno what the right choice is. I don't know if I could live with myself after doing this, I don't know how well I could live with a drug conviction. Catch-22. What do I do?
What do I do.